Serenity

You wiped my tears away every time I cried

When I was in darkness your light, to me, you supplied

You picked me up every time I fell down

Taking my fallen position and turning it around

Having doubt, unbelief, and fear; you caused me to trust you

Giving me help, peace, and comfort; you gave me a reason to continue

When I cried out to you at night in my bed; you came down to hold me

Providing compassion and sweet sound heavenly sleep; you held me until the morning

Washing away every unfruitful and evil being that's inside my heart; cleaning me up

Downloading whats good and pure into my heart; leaving no room for darkness to interrupt

Thank you for all you have done for me, and thank thanking you for what's to come

I know where my help, strength, and joy comes from

His Glory Changed Me

I know most of everything I've posted on here is depressing, some sexually explicit things, I come off as childish, confused, hopeless, and a lot of other negative things; (but let's not forget about the good things). But one thing I failed to do was to talk about how I changed.

God have been working on me; from sending people to help me, or Him showing me himself. I can say that I am A LOT better from where I used to be. I lived with Depression for almost 20 years. My days were filled with darkness; my nights were filled with gloom. I would cry all the time, attempted suicide (multiple times); I couldn't sleep, always feeling alone, sad… Every day my life was like this and worse for years. But every day I would cry out to God, “why me? Why is this happening to me? Why did this have to happen to me? HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!” That is mostly what I cried out to God, me asking, pleading, and begging for his help; to get me out of the hell, hurt, pain, anguish that I was stuck in. It started when I was 7, and I’ll be 27 this November. Almost 20 years I’ve live with this. When I was in my early 20s, is when my depression became situational; being depressed because I had no job, or because I gained weight, etc.

Every now and then, I feel a little sadness; because everyone around me has someone, while I have no one. The people I want to tell my story to isn’t interested, and the people I wouldn’t want to tell my story to wants to know. Yes, I talk to God, but I’m still waiting to hear from Him. I want and need to hear him for myself. And this is a topic I don’t like to talk about because it saddens me. I want that relationship with God; but I can’t deny or ignore what he has brought me out of.

I’m not that much of a damaged person that I used to be. And I only say “not that much” instead of  not at all, because I can tell there still is a tad bit of residue left. However, I also can tell that God is working on me with washing what’s left, away! I’m not that sexually explicit woman anymore, wanting bdsm. My attitude is better, I’m looking up more, I am truly changing, and I have God to credit for that. I’m just in a better place because of God, because he loves me; he had mercy on me and gave me grace. I am different from some of the other things I posted on here, even with still having a little dusting left to work on, because God is changing me. It’s a continuous process.

So I’m sorry if I don’t talk about God a lot on here like I do everything else. That doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful or unappreciative. Sometimes you just can’t put His Glory in to words…you just see it, and live it.