Church Hurt

This is the story of my “church hurt”, but I don’t even know where to begin. However, I will say my church hurt isn’t that same “church hurt folk” as you hear mostly about; I haven’t questioned God’s existence, or no longer believe He’s the only one true God… (Often you hear church hurt people renounce God and turn from him. This isn’t me). Even though I am church hurt, everything is still my fault. The blame is on me. I caused it.

I guess I begin with the past. Every single church I have been to, when I reached out to the leaders, (pastors, pastor’ wives, clergy, other gifted members, whomever), I have always been let down. Yes, my issues are from Sexual Abuse in Childhood, as a result, a strained relationship with God. I’ve been looking for help on how to deal with it, help to get over it, to fix my relationship with God (more than anything), and anything and everything to get me better. And everyone has failed me one way or another. Failed by either starting off helping me, then forgetting about me, or just straight away ditching me off to someone else, (who couldn’t relate), and whatever else.

Last year, I went to the current pastor of the church I attend now. I went trusting and seeking help, believing that he was able to help me. (Even to this day I still know and believe he’s able to help). I’ve never came right out and told anyone in the church about my abuse. (Even as I stated earlier, I sought help, I never mentioned to them the abuse. Something would happen, causing the ending of me being counseled, before I even got to that part). So I told my current pastor and how much hurt and pain I was in. I remember what he said to me toward the end of our first meeting; he said, “I’m glad you trusted me to come to me with this. I promise; we’re going to get you better”.  So I continued to go a couple more times after that. Until one week I didn’t have to go into the shop to work (where his counseling office is also located), so said he’d call and set something up. He called and said “on Saturday, I will call you and we can meet up somewhere”, I relied ok. Saturday came, and Saturday went, NO PHONE CALL. I was disappointed and a little let down, yeah I was saddened. Then eventually we met up again in his office, on a Tuesday, and at the end he set up our next appointment, he said ‘can you come next week, same time?’ I said yeah. He said ok great, see you next week. The very next day, at Bible Study Class, on Wednesday, he confirmed our appointment for next Tuesday, he asked if everything is good, I said yeah. Sunday came. Again, he confirmed the appointment again and said we’re still meeting up Tuesday, I said yes, everything is good. Tuesday comes, its appointment time, and I’m there. He isn’t. I wait for almost an hour for him to show up, until I finally text. I text something on the lines of “hey we’re meeting up today”? He responds on the lines of “no not this week”. And I just blew up within myself. I was livid and extremely hurt. And foolishly with my anger, after my hurt and anger smothered me for a while, I later retaliated. I sent a very distasteful message to a member of my church talking about how she and the pastor both went back on their words to “help me” (more about her later). Hours after sending the message, I called the pastor to tell him I wasn’t coming to church that coming Sunday. Then he went off. Yes, he started to yell at me. He accused me of saying that I called him and the other member “lairs”. I never said that, I said that they both went back on their words. (If I ever mention the word “lie”, in any form, I would have said I was lied to. To be a “lair” shows a pattern of lying, that wasn’t the case here. They just went back on their words. I don’t see that as someone being a “lair’. That’s not a pattern). As he proceed yelling, he questioned me asking, ‘what more do you want from me? “What more do you want me to do for you?’’ “I paid your phone bills. I gave you a job. What more can I do”? I didn’t have a chance to respond as he continued to yell saying to me that I will go to hell because I was blaspheming against God because of my emotions and saying I feel like God doesn’t love or care about me”.  I would have answered, (not having the chance to get any words in), I would have told him, ‘I never asked for you to pay my phone bills, and I never asked for that job. Though I was appreciative, and grateful and thankful for you to do those things, I wanted, more than anything, for you to do what you promised!!! That’s all I ever wanted’. That’s why I went to him. For help, not for things! But he twisted that and made me look like I was a gold-digging, ungrateful, greedy person. He promised, “We’re going to get you better”. I was going; but I kept getting stood up, well twice! Or forgotten about, call it what you want. But the next day, I called and called the church member to apologize, she wouldn’t answer, so I sent her a message apologizing, she didn’t respond. And that’s ok. I called the pastor and I apologized to him.

What happened next, well; I was still hurt. I forgave them to God, and within myself, but that hurt and pain was still there. I never got an apology for being stood up twice/forgotten about. It’s like if you and I are carrying a bookcase. I drop it on your toe and it hurts you like crazy. I say “I’m sorry” and you forgive me. But is the pain still there? Yes But did you forgive me? Yes. Same here. Except I didn’t get an apology, but I forgave them, but it still hurts. I was let down. I needed help. Guess what? I still need help! And so since then, attending that church is hard for me. It’s hard because I see the people that said they were going to help me, I see them; able to hear from God, able to feel God’s presence, and have a relationship with him, I try but can’t. It bothers me going to church sometimes, because I know I was forgotten. If it wasn’t for someone saying to me “I feel God is saying STAY”, I would have left. Shortly after that person told me that, I was offered to teach and I accepted, so that person was right. But I still feel, sometimes, that I’m trapped and stuck staying here, well, sometimes, it doesn’t feel comfortable anymore since that happened, and because that happened. But I stay because God said so and because I was fortunate enough to be able to teach.

I’m doing the best I can with what I know. Someone mention to me that it’s possible that demons have made their home in me through the open doors of sexual abuse and my sins. That generational cures and demonic spirits are on me because of the abuse and my sins, so now they have a legal right. So I read a book on how to cast them out. And every time I’m working to get myself delivered, casting out the demons, they don’t obey the Name of Jesus or the Blood of Jesus, because they go and cause havoc on my family. I know I’m not strong enough, and the demons know it too. Every time I stand up against them, my sister gets into 3 car accidents in 1 month. My other sister gets rushed to the ER every night from work. My sister-in-law tries to commit suicide in front of her entire family. My brother, whenever a situation happens, gets closer to renouncing his faith that he’s has already stepped away from. Health issues try to come on my mother.  So it’s either try and free myself through prayer and the demons harm my family, or keep my family safe. And my pastor always says that he has a “deliverance ministry” but went back on his word on helping me (forgot about me) so now I’m stuck in letting my family possibly die, or me being free. That’s why I needed his help, for deliverance. There are some other things I needed to confess, addictions, to get healing from and to break free from, but now I can't talk to anyone.

But later I found out why that Tuesday (which he set up and confirmed twice), why he didn’t show up. I found out he was in the hospital because another church member daughter was there. And that’s when I realized that other people’s life is more valuable than mine; that other people’s life is more important than mine. God could have easily told the pastor, then or later, ‘call Cynthia, you told her you were going to meet her today’. God could have reminded the pastor that he was supposed meet to me. But God needed the pastor at the hospital and God needed me to feel that hurt, betrayed, and neglected all over again, for some reason. God even knew that her life was more important than mine; she was passing away. And I’m just a victim of sexual abuse. That’s a no brainer. Even when attending church faithfully, every Sunday and Wednesday; someone else can show up once a year and she can feel his presence and get laid out, basking in God’s presence, then disappear again but God won’t allow me to feel his presence. Someone else who doesn’t go to church, (that other church member daughter) can fast and pray for one day and the very next day it’s like God opened the heavens for her and she gets a blessing, something she’s been wanting. I can have a regular lifestyle of fasting, and even do a total fast for a full 21 days, and I get absolutely nothing! I never thought this before, but I started to think that it pays to look the way I do. Everyone I mentioned is beautiful, and light-skinned. I’m dark and ugly. I never thought that would be the case, I was always comfortable in my skin, but look at the evidence.

And as far as “that other church member”; yeah she said she would help me, pull me out because she went though things to pull others out. Saying I’ll pray WITH you, come over and we will talk. She told me her story, kind of rushed through it, and I really didn’t get a chance to ask questions and talk about my experience because a client came in, and that was it. Yeah she prayed with me at church sometimes. I guess my expectations were different. I heard a testimony from a visitor at church how (yet ANOTHER church member), held her hand for 3 years, helping her get rooted and grounded in God. And that’s what I always needed, but I’m not worth much to anyone to hold my hand like that. I’m sure she was busy, had a family, and other things, but she stood by that lady’s side for 3 years. (I’m not trying to have everyone else do the work (for me); I’m doing what I can. I’m trying to cast out and bind demons, using the word/Jesus name, but nothing happens. I know I can’t just sit and do nothing, that’s not what I’m doing). Even just recently, at church, that church member I was talking about before, the one that said she’ll  help me, she was stating to another young person in class how she would call or text her everyday to help her through. (That's when I had to get up and leave.) And she’s thin and light skinned too, no wonder. I didn’t get any support like that. Only when I didn’t show up for service I would get a message, and that wasn’t even every time. Doesn't everyone need just that ONE SOMEBODY!? God doesn't bring that "one" someone into people's lives? Not for me? Because others have it. I have no one. This is not fair to me! I know I've done wrong in my life, I repented, I put down the addictions, why do I still desereve to be left out (and alone)? To have no one?
-(And on another note. At least 5-6 times when bible class was, last year, I guess cancelled, did i get a phone call or something telling me? No. Ask my friend rachel because she was there too. Everyone else knew not to show up but us. Why? I figured at least they would tell someone because Rachel was with me but no. I guess we were just "whatever" to them. She having ro rush to do her son's homework with him, and rush to eat dinner, rush to come to church to be on time, just to find out, when we get there, and wait 30 mintues, no one is coming. Im talking about 5-6 times. And after that message I sent, I mentioned this, and guess what, I started to get notified when there wasn't church. And that has been consistent since then. I just don't get it.)

Now I have to try to find my worth in God; the one who allowed the abuse to happen. I have to try and trust in God; the one who, when I cried out for YEARS didn’t answer; the one who, when I was living, and living the lifestyle of James 4:8 and Jeremiah 29:13, and NOTHING happened. I’m not mad at God, I’m mad at myself. I wasted my entire life trusting man; when the Bible says don’t put your trust in men. I trusted every church member I went to in my life, to help me, to at least counsel me, and I was never supposed to do that. I was the one that trusted people could help me. I was the one disobedient to the Bible by trusting man. Now I’ve learned my lesson; you can’t trust anyone. Even if they say “God said”, even if they seem to have qualifications, don’t trust man. I have to try and trust God; the one who doesn’t see fit for me to feel his presence; the one who I can’t hear when I desperately need answers. I try my best to worship and praise “Him”, but it my hurt and pain is too much. I try to sing, but I don’t even think singing one song, for 1 minute is enough for God. What I do isn’t enough for him, and my heart can’t do more. I’m just trying to do the best I can, praying, casting out demons, reading but the it’s just words on paper to me, it doesn’t come alive, for me, like people say it is.

Now my only hope is baptism. For all of this to go away; to finally be healed and ok. To finally feel God’s presence and hear his voice. To finally be close to him and have a relationship with him. To finally be changed and have a change in every area in and of my life. I know this post and everything in it sounds foolish and childish, and immature, but it’s my life and it’s what I’m going through. I wish I didn’t feel this way or have this kind of life but I do. I want it to be over and end. I know my heart is messed up, filled with hurt and pain, and bitterness, (and it oozes out of me and comes out as if I’m a bad person and have an attitude), that’s why I sought help. I’m up then down, down then up, and back up and down again. I can’t stop myself from being double-mined. I pray in tongues but the emptiness in my heart that I “experience”, and not just “feel” is unbearable. It’s like if you work out, you experience and literally feel in your heart the stress (of your heart) of working out. Same with heart-burn, it’s not just a feeling, it’s not an emotional feeling, it’s something going on inside of your heart and you experience/feel it in your heart, not in an emotional way. That’s the same with the emptiness in my heart. I literally feel it, experience the emptiness in a tangible way and it gets extremely worse whenever I pray in tongues. That’s why I don’t do it often. And that saddens me beyond able to control or deal with. Knowing I’m trying my best for the spirit to do something, but only emptiness is present. I feel defeated when I pray not empowered. The demons know I have no power or authority because they don’t go where I send them, even in Jesus name, to hell, or when I bind. They mess with my family; even when I do lose the protection of God.

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want my family to continue to get hurt because I’m trying to clean my “house” of these demons. I don’t know how to approach this anymore. Someone would say “well ask God what to do and how to do it”. Well I do go to God. I do ask God those questions. That doesn’t mean I can answers. I don’t and haven’t. I don’t know what God wants from me. I don’t know what God wants me to do. I don’t know what God will have me to do. I try to go out and volunteer but those doors always get closed in my face. I try to minister to people in passing but I never hear God say “this one”, even when I ask Him. And besides, no one wants to stop and listen to someone who looks like me.

I’m lost and the end is here. I’m extremely upset with myself because all these years past and I could never get over what happened to me. Because everything in my life (that happened and hasn’t happened), is a result from my childhood abuse. I repent for getting molested, I repent for everything. I forgave everyone, but no change has happened. It terrifies me that the end is so close and I haven’t fulfilled God’s will and purpose for my life. And I’m scared that I’m going to miss it, and that I have already missed it. I can’t get back 20 years and that pain is unbearable.

 (I'm not mad or upset at/or with anyone. I just tired of the hurt. I guess right now, I'm just numb). Abuse has a snowball effect, I just wanted help. I just want God, Ive been trying to gain him, but it's alomst like I'm being pushed away)

I’m not just church hurt. I’m just hurt.