Where Do We Stand

I really don’t know where to begin anymore; I’m at a loss for words
All I have are bits of my feelings from way back when, from when they first occurred
I caused damage because of the way I felt, because of how I feel
This is still the toughest thing that I ever had to deal
I’m really not sure of what to say, because I only know one side, my side
Lately, I’ve been thinking about our friendship to divide.
But I don’t think I want to lose such a person in my life
Even though at times I am filled with so much strife
I’m just so confused and don’t know what to do
I don’t know which direction I should go to
It won’t help any to ask any questions cuz I won’t get anything in return
Plus, I know I’ve reached his fed up point, besides for me I know he’s not concerned
I don’t know if he’s just selfish, or that he just doesn’t care at all,
I wanted/needed to share with him why I was in that state, but I feel as if I’m in a thrall
I know there’s time, (however it's just none for me)but out of everyone else, I’m at the very, very bottom
I’m beginning to think it’s not me, it’s him
I know I have nothing, while he and everyone else has something, everything, so they’ll be first choice
But I don’t have to be treated like a nobody, like trash thrown to the side, so to him about all of this it wouldn"t be necessary to speak up my voice.
I think I may have turned bitter because I have always wanted and like him, but now I know I can’t have him and I’m hurt, and I might be jealous
I’m really, really hurt here and don’t know what to do, in the beginning I shouldn’t had been so zealous.
Words cannot describe how much I want to sit down and talk to him about EVERYTHING, everything
But I don’t know what that will do, I don’t know the feelings and reactions it might bring.
I would have to be the one that does it, cuz Ill know he won’t take the initiate, he doesn’t even know what this is doing to me
But I wouldn’t know how to bring it up, or where to begin, I’ll just have to lay it down easy.
My problem is that I make him out to be such a great person, I over praise him, but he’s turning into the opposite of all of what I thought and said for him to be
That’s really not the case though, because my feelings for him blinded me where I wasn’t seeing clearly.
Yeah, sure he’s a good worker and a good student, but I’m back-n-forth on the friendship
He’s a good friend for staying with me after all my chasing him, but when it comes down to the tangible things, calling, going out, etc. that’s where I think it/he slips.
I don’t think he want me as that type of friend, I don’t know how he feels about this
He said our friendship “could be stronger”, but he doesn’t want to make it that way, he doesn’t want a strong friendship to exist.
Well duh, perhaps that’s why I get the treatment I get, I forgot, he doesn’t even want a close friendship
So there’s no need for me to try to build on this, and try to stack it to equip
He’s happy with what we have in this; I’m the one that’s not happy in this friendship.
And my feelings for him might have a big role to play in that, I have to repair myself
He has no problem at all whatever so ever in this, it’s me that has to be right my own self.
So here it is, I think I concluded it all, we just wanted different friendships all along
Now I know we won’t have a friendship that’s strong.
That hurts but I have to accept it, that’s the way it has to be
Now hopefully I can stop crying on my bended knees.
I just didn’t want to face the facts that he wants to be “just friends”, even him asking for me to be his best friend
It was my feelings that got in the way, that ruin it all, that made his quest for a strong friendship to end.
But now here I am, I know why he doesn’t call, why we don’t go out, why he never tells me anything, (etc)
It’s not his schedule, it’s not because he’s busy, it’s because he wants to keep his distance from me because of what my feelings might bring.
Although I believe it’s not just all of this of what I said, I believe there’s something more
But I don’t think he’ll ever tell me so I shouldn’t implore.
So here it is and I am so sorry this is where I stand
Me wanting more (in a friendship), but him just wanting it to be limited, I hope all this is will be over soon when he talks to me about it, cuz I don’t want to go through this again.

Identity

Maybe I was just fooling myself with this blog, Ha that someone would actually care! I only have one friend who took the time out to support me. Even if she doesn’t read it every day, at least she made an effort to show that she cares. Another friend of mine might say, “Well, I have no time”, and he doesn’t. I had another one that I told to check it out, she did, but that was it. Anyone else I know, well I don’t know if they viewed it or not, but what’s the point of reading it and not having anything to say? No one even questioned me or wants to talk about it with me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, but this is what I deal with almost every day; feeling like no one cares about me, and it doesn’t have to do with just a blog. I really don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I know I’m not that “it” person or have that type of personality that just draws people in. But am I that dull or boring, or what is it? Am I really a good friend? Who am I to you? I always get the feeling that no one cares about me, but I know that they do. No calls, no e-mails, no going out, not anything. It’s like I’m here but no one cares. I know that I don’t communicate that often, but at least I do it. So it might be once in a while, or something, but like I said, IT’S SOMETHING; a lot more I can say for anyone else. I put in the effort, but I'm not sure if anyone else cares to.

I’m not saying all of this because I’m trying to get at someone, but I think I have an issue. I always need conformation and reassurance from the ones who say they care and love me, really actually do care and love me. I always need to hear it from them or I need them to show me. It’s like I don’t believe their words, but I do, I really do believe them. It’s my past that has me like this. I wish I could move on and have no doubt when someone says “I love you” or “I do care”. I want to take it and run with it, but I can’t. And at the times I do, doubt later sets in. I don’t know what else I can do about this or how to move on away from it. I just need it everyday. Attention.



For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel lonely. At times I feel this way because I guess I still feel a little abandon, but I have never felt this kind of loneliness before. I’ve always been alone and I know that; always alone, but never lonely. I know I have some busy friends and that they can’t always be there for my beck-n-call, but never? I’m sorry that I don’t have a life, nothing and no one. I look around and EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING, BUT ME. EVERYONE HAS A LIFE, BUT ME. I actually thought that my life would be better if I was dead. What do I have to live for? You couldn’t fathom the frustration it is to live in every single day. Wanting something, needing something, wishing for something to happen, hoping and waiting on something to happen; but nothing ever does. Put that alongside having no one to talk to and feeling like no one cares about you and not even thinking about you. I hate to bother others with my problems because everyone has a life to have their own problems, no one cares about me; someone with no life that has issues.

 

I don’t know what this solves, what this means or anything. This kind of makes me feel as if I have self-esteem issues, but I know I don’t. I’m quite comfortable with myself. I do love myself. But I can’t help to wonder what it is about me that people I know would rather call someone else, over me, while looking through their contacts. What is it about me that people (friends) would just rather choose somebody else other than me? I’m starting to believe that the problem is me; that I’m always the denominator. I’ve always blame put blame on others without really looking at myself. But as I mentioned, I do make the effort to communicate with friends; it might not be often, but it gets done. I wonder if I was to NEVER call anyone or anything, would I EVER hear anything from anyone? See, you can always count on me making some kind of contact, but if it wasn’t for me making that contact, would I ever be able to count on you? Would I ever hear from you?

Maybe I should just come out and say it. My issues stems from me being molested when I was a little girl. Now I understand when people say "their innocence was taken away from them". He took everything away from me. I was a happy girl. I had that out going personality. But he stole everything from me. He took my happiness. He took every good thing about me. He stripped me of every good emotion that I had to offer; He took it! And do you know how that left me afterwards? Not bent, but completely broken. The complete opposite of full. I was empty. And that emptiness turned me into the worse person you could ever meet. It also made me the saddest person alive. Deep depression. Suicide attempts. Thoughts of homicide. I wanted to make those suffer that did me wrong. I wanted to die everyday. I had no heart. I had an icebox filled with dark matter and evil. I didn't care about anyone or anything. I didn't give a fuck.
          And on top of all this, I was bullied all through school. Other kids would talk about me. Push me. Hit me. Whatever cruel things they wanted to do, they did. Me? I just sat there and took it. Becoming more hurt each time. Getting more evil each time. But I couldn't do anything, I just couldn't. I bottled up every emotion I had and I have never let it out. Wait, there's more! On top of the sexual abuse at home, how about the physical abuse as well; however I'm not going into detail about that. It all happened to me. To me! You will never understand what it's like being a victim of molestation/abuse! But there's more. I almost was raped. Maybe almost doesn't count, but the terror was vivid and skin deep. I felt the terror and horror all the way down to my core, deeper inside my bones. I like to think sometimes that I would had much rather been raped than molested. But who knows how I would have turned out if I was raped.

Having everything taken away from me when I was a child, left me in a way words cannot describe. After the depression and the hurt, emptiness, after all that was gone, I became a different person. All of a sudden what was taken away from me was suddenly given to me in an abundant supply. Now, I have unconditional love, trust, care, and too much of every good quality one can possess. And because I have so much of it, it's intense and I can't get it to turn down. I will aways care. I care about what people think about me. What they say about me. (That's just comes from me wanting to please everyone). I care about their well-being. I care when they don't. I care when no one else does. This is the issue. I can't stop the "unconditionalness" that I have. Someone not caring about me is not going to stop me from caring about them, even when I feel hurt and the pain of them not caring, I can't stop. Do you understand why I need the attention often? Because I want to make sure that you still love me like you say you do, and care about me. I believe you, but what was taken away from me still has me thinking 'oh i better make sure things are still the same'. I need reassurance. Maybe I'm afraid to let go of some of these goods things that I have because I fear of becoming empty again. I tell you, if I don't have this in my heart, then I don't want to find out what would be replaced. Being abused sucks. But I'm ok and fine. I have learned how to let certain things go. I have learned to be calm. I have no more evil,bad thoughts. Haven't been depressed in 10 years! (The first part of this I wrote YEARS ago. I felt like I had to come back to this to let everyone understand what I was going through then and that I'm okay now). I like to say that I'm cured. Some scars still remain obviously, but it's nothing that's out of control. The only person I have is God to keep me.

Tell Me to Relax, Again!

I always thought that I loved you, but deep down inside, I don't think I really do
It was just my wanting you so bad to tell you that I love you
I'll promise that I'll back off and just let you be
I'm sorry I'm so anxious, I just want you to be interested in me
But my feelings for you are genuine and real
I just want you to experience for me the way that I feel
Please just tell me to relax again, I need you to make me rest
It's when I'm most calm when you tell me to relax, that I'll fall into your rest
I'm so sorry I've pushed on you that I love you
It's in reality that its too soon for me to love you
I've tried to force my feelings to be more than what they really are
I've rushed them into love, more than what they really are
I don't know why I told you I love you, I don't want to push you away
I'm just anxious to have you before anyone else does, I'm afraid you might slip away
My feelings have jumped the gun for me to say such a thing
I'll slow it down for you, so you can continue to do your thing
I feel a little bad because I feel like it's because of me that you might not want to pursue a relationship with me
Again, my being anxious and nervous to work hard at getting you to take an interest in me
So please just tell me to relax again, give me comfort that everything is going to be okay
Please reassure me that you're hearing what I say
I'm sorry if I'm being too pushy, I get restless when I don't hear from you
Please understand my feelings for you, so you can be able to tell me what to do.

 

Tell me to relax again, and I'm going to trust you.

Snake No More: (The Snake in the Grass Part II)

It's been two years since she has written about the snake in the grass. It's been five years since it all began, and it continues. Now 2012, she has realized she was wrong. He never was a snake in the grass, she just didn't know who she was messing around with. He is indeed a player, so he does what he do. She didn't know or understand, she was just one of his pieces. She can't blame him or fault him for what she didn't see and couldn't understand; but now she does see it. Five years having sex with him, she's thinking; 'okay is this going to be it?' But it really didn't matter to her then. Now, things are much much different.


During these several years, she has always found herself falling in-and-out of love with him. The more they'd saw each other, the more she would fall for him. The less time they'd spend time together, the less she would feel for him. Now, its simple, she just loves this man. She loves a player and she doesn't know what to do. She's torn inside. She cares about him, but she's not sure if he does. She asked him once and he never ever responded to her. She let some time go by and asked him why doesn't he care about her and she never ever got a response from that either. We all know what silence means. She's torn because she's isn't sure if he wants her for more than just sex. She asks, and asks but she gets told to "relax". In her mind she's thinking; 'why is he keeping me around if he sees I want more and he doesn't? Why not just let me go? Is the sex that good to where he can't quit me?'; but he has plenty of other women out there he has sex with'. But she knows she would be devastated if he was to quit her, she doesn't want him to. All she wants is that chance. She has never given up hope to be with him. She wants him. She wants him, She thinks about him every day. She gives him things. She shows concern and care for him. She told him she loves him. She inconvenience her family, drop everything she's doing just to go to him when he sends for her. She wants to buy him all the things he wants. She wants to buy him that condo, but she's afraid to make that life decision because she's afraid of being stuck with a home she bought for him if they will never be together. She would do anything for this man. But she never remembers that he's a player... That's because she doesn't see him as one!

She loves a player. This makes her feel afraid and disappointed. Afraid because what player settles down and commit. Afraid because she feels he could possible keep this all going for another five years; (which her heart cannot afford). Afraid because she fears she will never ever get what she wants. She's disappointed because she asks herself how could she allowed this to happen. She's disappointed because she hadn't put her foot down before. Disappointed because she never really knew how to demand respect, learned how to say no and always having trouble keeping her legs closed. But she still loves him nonetheless. She calls herself foolish because she wants to be with a player. She doesn't even like calling him such! This woman doesn't know how to let go and she's paying the price.

This woman cries over him. She wish she could be strong, and she's working on that. And she is a whole lot better. But she cries because of the fears. She cries because all she wants, she needs, a definitive answer and she's not getting one. (She doesn't know what to do). Her heart needs to know what to do, meanwhile it's being held hostage to just having sex with him. She has feelings for him but she continues to cry because she just don't know what to do or how to do it. She has begged God to please either tell her how to leave for good; remove him from her heart, or show her what to do. She has prayed for him. She didn't know what else to do after he kicked her out of his apartment. She has never felt that hurt in years. He asked if she was mad, no; she was sadden prone to tears, but she couldn't cry in front of him. The way he made her feel when he kicked her out is beyond any words describing hurt and pain can describe. They say what goes around comes around, but she prayed that he will never ever have to feel the way he made her feel when he did that to her. And even with that, she continued and continues to go back to him, keeping hope that something can or will change. (What has her so sadden: she tells him over and over how she feels, what she wants, this and that, and most of the time he says nothing. He just never calls her, text her, email her, write back to her, give in return the things she would send him; this should tell her he's not interested. He only contacts her when he wants to fuck her. He only contacts her when he wants some pleasure. That's the player! He admitted to her that he's selfish, so shouldn't that tell her she's not going to get what she wants from him. He told her not responding to her is him being selfish, so why does she continue to have hope that something can still be different. The only thing she gets in return is the unspeakable pleasure she receives when having sex with him). She's surprised that God has still been so good to her and continues to bless her even when she continues to do the wrong thing. She has put more fear in letting this man go, than more Faith in God that he'll bless her with a man that would actually care about her, love her, respect her, and would actually want to be with her, because she wants that chance, because she still has that hope. She loves this man, but she is beginning to change, perhaps she's starting to see some light. Maybe it's God making a way for whatever is about to happen.

The sex with this man is like none she has ever had before. She get butterflies every time she thinks about sex with him. It's the greatest and best that she has ever had. She thinks how can it be so great each and every single time they get together. He satisfies her sexually, he makes her feel so good. He makes her feel like a natural good woman. Oh, she would be so good to him! She already is! She wants to please him in every way he likes it, however, she is still a little bit inexperienced in some things, that's why she's so self-conscious. His sex is great, there's no doubt about that. (But that's not all she wants from him). One sexual thing she wants from him is intimacy. She's a grown woman and she has needs as well. She kisses his feet, massages his back, rub his body, she does for him. Honestly, even with getting the hot hot great sex, is it too much to ask for some of those same small pleasures in bed too? She wants him to rub on her. She wants him to play with her. Play with her in between her legs, the back side, it doesn't matter. She wants him to grab and suck on her breasts. She wants him to just get on top of her and kiss her, kiss her neck, make out with her.. Hold her hands, lay and rub on her. Something, anything! Sometimes though, she thinks in the back of her mind that he's not all that sexually attracted to her (or maybe not even a little at all in general); but she doesn't blame him. However, she thinks she's beautiful. She always said he's a REAL nigga because he fucks her anyway regardless of how she looks, she likes that about him. She thinks that's why they haven't done all the BDSM things, because of the way her body is. And honestly, she would rather have her body the way she wants it before they fully participate in that. She's working on it because she wants it bad. She trusts him in the bedroom. She craves the bdsm with him. She's thinks she's ready for his marathon, she hopes she can take it all. She's afraid of disappointing him sexually. She can't help but to think that he's waiting on something. Like he's waiting on her to do something. If it's the body thing, then consider it a done deal. She'll do whatever he needs her to do. She would just ask for is support. If not the body thing, then what? If anything at all. But all will be ok.

She doesn't really understand why she wants to be with him. Well, she loves him. She wants to be with him again. She wants him to care about her, care what she thinks, care what she feels, care what she wants. She wants him to have the same feelings, but if he doesn't, something is going to have to happen. But he just doesn't; he don't care. People ask her why she wants to be with someone that disrespects her and treats her bad. He questioned the same thing, he questioned how is he that way toward her. He disrespects her when he kicks her out. He disrespects her when he lies to her. He disrespects her when he uses her, having her come over to please him but he gives her nothing in return, knowing she wants sex with him. But she guess that's just him being the player that he is. Stupid and foolish. Getting what he wants from a hoe. She doesn't see herself as one. He's the only one she fucks with. That's why he disrespects her, he thinks low of her; little of her, if anything at all. Kicking her out is treating her bad. Disrespecting her in these ways is treating her bad. So why does she want him? The hope she has.

She's going to sit back and just enjoy life. Whatever this man is going to do, she's going to let him. She respects this man and looks up to him. But she wonders if she's wrong about something. She knows each man has his own way of how he wants a woman to treat him, what he wants her to do and a certain way. He's not telling her any of that. She doesn't know if she's a bother to him. If she irritates him. She just wants to know if she's doing right. So she doesn't know rather to back off or keep doing what she's doing. But as she said, she will sit back, and maybe he'll teach her something. Just as long as he remembers her love for him. God forbid if he was to lose everything he has, how many of the women he fucks will still stay around? (She prays that God continues to bless him. How many of the women he fucks do that?) Would she be the only one? Is she the only woman like this with him/about him? Is she the only he fucks that surprises him with fruit baskets, candy, balloons and bears!? But who he screws is his business.What the hell with the comparisons between what she does for him and those other women he fucks with! Of course she doesn't appreciate him using the condoms she bought for them on other women, but whatever, guess it's not a big deal, if that's the case. She's just going to continue to think he's waiting on her for something..anything to keep the hope alive she guess.

He's not a snake in the grass... He's just a player. She seriously needs to always remember this.

In the meantime; She's going to be a good slave and do what he told her to do....

The Only One

You cringe at the sight and the sound of His name. You repudiate on the being of the only Truth. You'd rather effectuate your own self-fulfilling prophecies rather than concede to the only one that is The Truth, The Way, and The Light. And you chose to succumb to the ways of the world. Why? Why disembody yourself from someone that's here to love, take care of you, help you, unconditionally? To guide you. To instruct you. To teach you. And to lead you. My note to God: You are the only one that will always answer to my call. You are the only one I can fully, wholly trust. I know no other like you. You are the only one that will never let me down. You are the only one that truly cares about me. You are the only one that truly cares for me. I know no other like you. You are the only one that will never forget me. You are the only one who thinks the most high of me and invest the most confidence in me. You are the only one that that will always release to me the things that I need. I know no other like you. You are the only one who will always help me and not hurt me. I know no one like you. I will thank you and worship you with tears streaming down my face, with oil anointed on my head, and with the blood that was shed from your hands and feet. There is no like you!

 

Dreams Fade

What happens when you begin to lose interest in the things you were once fantastic about?

                Do you lose sight of where you’re going in life?

                Do you feel as if you have no sense of direction?

                Does life seems to be passing you by as you sit back and see everyone around you move on?

What happens to you when your dreams that made you who you are is no more?

                Where do you begin to search for yourself?

                Where do the new illusions surface from?

                Where do you go and what do you do to get your imagination back?

What happens to your desired destinations of your fantasizes being filled when your dreams fade away?

              How do you get yourself to become alive again?

 How do you develop new intangible, abstract creativity to transform into something you can feel again?

How do you locate those lost fantasies and faded dreams?

What happens when your dreams are gone?

                Why have they faded away?

                Why is it that your mind has changed?

                Why is it that you no longer have this amusement in twisted pleasured fantasies and of solid life dreams?

What happens when there seems to be no one around to help you regain your love of those dreams and fantasies that you once cradled?

                Who can help you fulfill your lost of motivations of what your mind once destined to bring to life?

                Who is there that can penetrate your mind back to the thriving force it used to be?

                Who can inspire you to recapture what has begun to already fade?...

What happens when your dreams fade and your fantasies subside?

                                Can you ever get them back?....

Sex Slave

I love saying your name. I want you to tie me up with a rope so bad. Slap my face. Punch my body. Beat me up. Hit my ass with a belt. Hit my body with a belt. Whip me, whatever you want to use baby. I want you to bound my ankles too, Bound my whole body. Tie rope tight around breasts, yes, bound my breasts.

Abuse me. Rape me. And torture me. Don't let me stop you. Choke me and slap my face at the same time. Demand me. Tie my wrists and arms above my head. .

do something to me!
Do Something To Me!!
DO SOMETHING TO ME!!!

Put me in a cage. Lock me up. I'm on punishment and I'm your sex slave. Yes baby, I'm your sex slave

I'm in slave mentality so you can control me. You can dominate me. You can make me submit to any and all sexual dirty desires that you may have. Put a gag in my mouth; Make the sound of my screaming after you mummered. Blindfold my eyes; Make it a surprise to me what disgusting sexual act you're going to perform on me next.

I will get down on my knees, kiss your feet, and then look up to you in your eyes and say to you; "you are my king, my master, and I am your slave. Whatever you want daddy". Hurt me. Please hold my wrists so tight above my head. Grab and squeeze on my dirty pillows while sexing me hard and biting and kissing on my neck and body. Put scratches, bruises and marks all over my body. Leave my body, sore, bruised, hurting, and battered.

I am your slave so you have to punish me. I am your sex slave so you have to sexually beat me. I am your slave and you are my Master, daddy...

And this is what happens.....

Enmeshed

 

This has to stop. It has to end. I can't continue to go further with this, feeling like this, being like this, experiencing this. I want it to cease. I want it to leave. How much more longer? How many more tears? How many more weary thoughts? Don't want to be anymore in the mist of evanescence. Don't want anymore painful, pleasurable decadence. When? When is it going to go away? Where's the sweet, peaceful bliss? I can't. I just can't. My words are turning into debris. My mind continues to go back-n-forth, back-n-forth. Got to be staunch. I don't know where else to go. What else to do. Anyone else to talk to. I just have me, my thoughts, my feelings, and the means of dissemination of all that I have inside. But I can't let it go. But yes, I have to. I must. I'm loosing myself. See the confusion? Descry the hurt? Don't know what else to voice. Don't go away. Try to grasp the evidence this discombobulated state of being. Sometimes I go speechless. Sometimes....verbose. Who knows what else could have arose. Please, no more hurt. Please no more, pain. Please, no more agony. Please, no more suffering. It must go away. It must vacate. How can I let it pass? What way to let it go? My eyes turn into the red sea. My face goes numb. My throat is dry as the desert. And my head pounds like a hammer on nails. My heart bleeds and aches. My soul gets cracked and lifeless. And my body becomes incapacitated. Where's my help? Where's my rescue? Lifelines are too few...

Her Black. His White.

His skin is like the white snowfall on the Earth
His body is like the white lakes of the land
Pale from the day of his birth
Hair on his head like the bottom of the beach, white tanned sand

His build is like a pack of sugar
His touch is as soft as a cloud
Fingers are like viscous chalk
With her darkness in the bedroom, his appearance brightens the crowd
His beautiful body is like a sea of milk
Her's is as soft as honey silk
But there's a problem that perhaps that may or may not be fixed
Cuz they say black silk and milk don't mix

His smell is as of white powder
Contact with him is as touching white cream
Not like any other, his white is different, it much louder
He's so rich and fine, to him she'll honor as her King

He is as lotion
His mien is as of paper
She long to share his perverted potion
She wants him to be her permanent raper

She likes it when they 'mix' together
No matter if it's her tornado, or his blizzard, or whatever the weather
She's ready when he is, together being a mixture
Sun and shade, yet, do you get the picture?

Going the Distance Inbetween the Sheets

He makes that side of me come out
Him being able to satisfy me, I have no doubt
Come onto me and don't hold back
Give it your all because you have no reason to lack
Intensely rubbing, grabbing, and salivating on my breasts
All night we go, not stopping, we don't need to rest
Turn me over and perform on my back side
But when your done I'll be ready to go for a ride
I can get on my knees and give it to you like you never had it before
All day you working me until I become sore
On your knees you can do for me
I don't care what we do as long as it's nasty
We can do all these thing in whatever order, so don't be picky
I don't care just as long as its hardcore and freaky
Pound it into me, to make me scream and shout
Whatever makes me cum first wins the bout
Grab on to me and never let me go
These actions aren't soft or slow
Please give it to me hard, give it all you got
Rolling over and over in bed with **** blot
Don't be nice and don't be soft
You do to me and I'll do to get you off
I want it fast and I want it rough
Give me all the pleasure in a way that it's tough
I want to feel pain when you're inside of me
So go as far as you can go, into me deep
Bend me over and don't let me up
I love it when i receive you anal fuck
So let's go and let's make this happen; I'm ready to start
As soon as you want, and we can do it, over-&-over; as often as you want to restart

My Song

The pain was so tangible and real
I have never felt like that
So many times I thought to myself I would kill
With darkness, pain and tears; all alone I sat
Over and over, violation, waiting for someone to come and save me
Over and over, deception, I was too young to understand and see
He left me at a drop of a dime; What did I do wrong?
With me and those actions he performed on me, he spent no more time; years I spent singing his aweful sexual song
I just want to know why he did that to me
Deep Depression, from his ways on to me; crying was the only thing that put me to sleep
Living the rest of my life with these terrible horrors
He was one sick bastard with disgraceful morals
Force, rage, and roughness; (yes rape) now that I would have much better preferred
Slow, soft, and intimate, (molestation, no) I would rather had deferred
As a result, years following of confused behavior
Actions that I now wouldn't be able to savor
Now, everything is okay, and I'm doing fine
Finally restored and have a peace of mind

Please Hold

If I could just only exhale while you're holding me in your arms. To breathe the air of your comfort and embrace

If you could just only take me into your hands, into your arms so I can feel your soft, soft touch.

But you don't want to because you don't want me.

And all that I ever wanted to do, was to feel your arms, your hands, to discover if your body is as soft to the touch, or as rough to the bones.

I just want to have your arms wrapped around mine, as I in return, put my hands and arms around your body to give you comfort.

And I just want to hold you in a sweet, intimate type of way
Hold me tight enough to sqeeze my lungs, I want to feel you embrace
I just want to be comforted
I want you to feel my tight and warm embrace
You'll feel my love
You'll feel my warmth
You'll feel my intimacty and
You'll feel my compasion
A hug can go a long way for someone like me
A hug can do so much for someone like me
Just wrap your arms aound me and hold me, hold me
Just hold me
I want to discover your specific kind of embrace
I want to uncover your timing of plesure of a sensual hold
If I could exhale while my body is living in your arms to release the air of your embrace that I have swallowed in
If you could just please, please put your arms around my body so I can know your touch to discover if your body is as bold or as sweet
Just....
Embrace....

What It's Like for the First Time..Someone New

I want to taste you

I want to experience you

Allow me to explore you

Allow me to adventure you

I want you to taste me

I want you to tease me

Allowing you to play with me

Allowing you to discover my sexuality

Take your time to examine my body

Take your time to find out what pleases my body

Taking my time to caress your body

Taking my time to learn the reactions of your body

The Appreciation & Beauty of Being Natural: Fake vs Real

Her eyelashes are made of synthetic fibers

Her long weave made of artificial hair

But you would rather be with her

My eyes are breathtaking

My hair is natural

My face is beautiful all of its own
Her nails are acrylic
Her face in makeup
But you would rather be together with her
Why? What’s so real about her?
Why? What’s so genuine about her?

Can you be sure that what she gives you is truly from her heart?
Can you be sure that what she does for you is truly from good intentions?

Can you be sure that the way she makes you feel just isn’t for her own satisfaction?

You will never have to worry of me, I’m real

You will never have to be concerned for me, I’m genuine
You will never have to doubt me, I’m secure

Can you guarantee that her heart will be real?

Give yourself a second thought to why she has to dress in what’s not hers…Does she have enough confidence?....

Give & Receive

He took my heart but he never had it

He took my soul but he never held it

He took my life but he never willed it

He took my body but he never respected it

He took my presence but he never appreciated or cherished it

He took my time but he never fulfilled it

He took my mind but he never feed it

He took my word but he never believed in it

He took my generosity but he manipulated it

He took my wellbeing but he never paid it back

He took my Faith in him but he never made it manifest

He took my years of investments but he never made good on it

*Actually, it turns out that he really never took anything from me at all. I was so giving to him, I never cared how he was receiving it. He never gave me back anything in return, because he never wanted it in the first place. *Be careful of who you give your time, heart, and effort to because that person just might not give a damn!

Spiritual Release for Maturity

I’m ready and prepared to give him all of my life

I’m ready and prepared to give him all of my trust

I’m ready and prepared to give him all of who I am

I’m ready and prepared to do all that I have to do for me to be closer to him

I’m ready and prepared to do all that is necessary for me to feel him to be close to me

I’m ready and prepared to…

..Do all and whatever it takes for God to be proud of me

Letting go fears

Letting go of uncertainty

Letting go of the things that I think I need so badly

Letting go of the people who I care for but doesn’t do me any good

Letting go of sex with him because I fear I can’t fine better because he’s the best

Letting go of everything that I have held on to knowing it hasn’t propelled me forward

I have to be the person God needs me to be….

Safe Word

If it's a rope, then tie me up
If it's your hands, then choke me
If it's a belt, then whip me
Oh, how about his for an idea; wrap the belt around my throat and squeeze it ever so tightly
Bound me. Bound my feet.
Bound me. Bound my wrists.
If it's a tie, then blind fold me
If it's a ball, then gag me
If it's your mouth, then put it on me
Oh, how about this for an idea; tie my body up and down, and bite me all over
Bound me. Bound my ankles.
Bound me. Bound my hands.
Bound me. Bound my breasts....


Just don't forget that we'll need a Safe Word

Not Your Odinary 'Goldilocks'

My goodness, his hands are heaven
Such so big, strong and muscular hands he has
He could kill me with his fingers
His hands are killers
His fingers are monsters
His nails will tare and rip through your skin like diamond on glass
His arms seem average but I know the strength in them is deadly

The veins in his arms alone could apply enough pressure to my throat for me to suffocate if he was to choke me

My goodness what big hands he has
His fingers are huge
His hands are just right in size
No, he’s not using them in the kitchen, but a more appropriate setting
Lying down on the perfect sized bed, body next to body, feeling his big hands swallow up my thighs
Roll over on top; I’ll let his big fingers engross my hips and fingertips
Oh my, what big hands he has….. which are perfect enough for me

In a Dream

I had a dream I was your woman

I took your hand and stood by your side

They were ready to persecute you and I was standing there ready to go down with you

 I felt you again

 I felt myself inside of your soul and your soul inside of mine

You were there with me and you protected me

You held me close to you because you never wanted to let me go. Just like I never wanted to let you go

I stood there with you, protecting you from the angry mob; just like you stood there with me to protect me from those same persecutors.

I had a dream we were together gain, hand by hand.

You towered over me and I looked up to you

We loved each other again and I was still looking up to you

You looked down onto me, to reassure me in confidence that you will never leave my side again.

From time to time, when I am awake, I feel for that again

I don’t want to wake from your sweet dream.