Identity

Maybe I was just fooling myself with this blog, Ha that someone would actually care! I only have one friend who took the time out to support me. Even if she doesn’t read it every day, at least she made an effort to show that she cares. Another friend of mine might say, “Well, I have no time”, and he doesn’t. I had another one that I told to check it out, she did, but that was it. Anyone else I know, well I don’t know if they viewed it or not, but what’s the point of reading it and not having anything to say? No one even questioned me or wants to talk about it with me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, but this is what I deal with almost every day; feeling like no one cares about me, and it doesn’t have to do with just a blog. I really don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I know I’m not that “it” person or have that type of personality that just draws people in. But am I that dull or boring, or what is it? Am I really a good friend? Who am I to you? I always get the feeling that no one cares about me, but I know that they do. No calls, no e-mails, no going out, not anything. It’s like I’m here but no one cares. I know that I don’t communicate that often, but at least I do it. So it might be once in a while, or something, but like I said, IT’S SOMETHING; a lot more I can say for anyone else. I put in the effort, but I'm not sure if anyone else cares to.

I’m not saying all of this because I’m trying to get at someone, but I think I have an issue. I always need conformation and reassurance from the ones who say they care and love me, really actually do care and love me. I always need to hear it from them or I need them to show me. It’s like I don’t believe their words, but I do, I really do believe them. It’s my past that has me like this. I wish I could move on and have no doubt when someone says “I love you” or “I do care”. I want to take it and run with it, but I can’t. And at the times I do, doubt later sets in. I don’t know what else I can do about this or how to move on away from it. I just need it everyday. Attention.



For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel lonely. At times I feel this way because I guess I still feel a little abandon, but I have never felt this kind of loneliness before. I’ve always been alone and I know that; always alone, but never lonely. I know I have some busy friends and that they can’t always be there for my beck-n-call, but never? I’m sorry that I don’t have a life, nothing and no one. I look around and EVERYBODY HAS SOMETHING, BUT ME. EVERYONE HAS A LIFE, BUT ME. I actually thought that my life would be better if I was dead. What do I have to live for? You couldn’t fathom the frustration it is to live in every single day. Wanting something, needing something, wishing for something to happen, hoping and waiting on something to happen; but nothing ever does. Put that alongside having no one to talk to and feeling like no one cares about you and not even thinking about you. I hate to bother others with my problems because everyone has a life to have their own problems, no one cares about me; someone with no life that has issues.

 

I don’t know what this solves, what this means or anything. This kind of makes me feel as if I have self-esteem issues, but I know I don’t. I’m quite comfortable with myself. I do love myself. But I can’t help to wonder what it is about me that people I know would rather call someone else, over me, while looking through their contacts. What is it about me that people (friends) would just rather choose somebody else other than me? I’m starting to believe that the problem is me; that I’m always the denominator. I’ve always blame put blame on others without really looking at myself. But as I mentioned, I do make the effort to communicate with friends; it might not be often, but it gets done. I wonder if I was to NEVER call anyone or anything, would I EVER hear anything from anyone? See, you can always count on me making some kind of contact, but if it wasn’t for me making that contact, would I ever be able to count on you? Would I ever hear from you?

Maybe I should just come out and say it. My issues stems from me being molested when I was a little girl. Now I understand when people say "their innocence was taken away from them". He took everything away from me. I was a happy girl. I had that out going personality. But he stole everything from me. He took my happiness. He took every good thing about me. He stripped me of every good emotion that I had to offer; He took it! And do you know how that left me afterwards? Not bent, but completely broken. The complete opposite of full. I was empty. And that emptiness turned me into the worse person you could ever meet. It also made me the saddest person alive. Deep depression. Suicide attempts. Thoughts of homicide. I wanted to make those suffer that did me wrong. I wanted to die everyday. I had no heart. I had an icebox filled with dark matter and evil. I didn't care about anyone or anything. I didn't give a fuck.
          And on top of all this, I was bullied all through school. Other kids would talk about me. Push me. Hit me. Whatever cruel things they wanted to do, they did. Me? I just sat there and took it. Becoming more hurt each time. Getting more evil each time. But I couldn't do anything, I just couldn't. I bottled up every emotion I had and I have never let it out. Wait, there's more! On top of the sexual abuse at home, how about the physical abuse as well; however I'm not going into detail about that. It all happened to me. To me! You will never understand what it's like being a victim of molestation/abuse! But there's more. I almost was raped. Maybe almost doesn't count, but the terror was vivid and skin deep. I felt the terror and horror all the way down to my core, deeper inside my bones. I like to think sometimes that I would had much rather been raped than molested. But who knows how I would have turned out if I was raped.

Having everything taken away from me when I was a child, left me in a way words cannot describe. After the depression and the hurt, emptiness, after all that was gone, I became a different person. All of a sudden what was taken away from me was suddenly given to me in an abundant supply. Now, I have unconditional love, trust, care, and too much of every good quality one can possess. And because I have so much of it, it's intense and I can't get it to turn down. I will aways care. I care about what people think about me. What they say about me. (That's just comes from me wanting to please everyone). I care about their well-being. I care when they don't. I care when no one else does. This is the issue. I can't stop the "unconditionalness" that I have. Someone not caring about me is not going to stop me from caring about them, even when I feel hurt and the pain of them not caring, I can't stop. Do you understand why I need the attention often? Because I want to make sure that you still love me like you say you do, and care about me. I believe you, but what was taken away from me still has me thinking 'oh i better make sure things are still the same'. I need reassurance. Maybe I'm afraid to let go of some of these goods things that I have because I fear of becoming empty again. I tell you, if I don't have this in my heart, then I don't want to find out what would be replaced. Being abused sucks. But I'm ok and fine. I have learned how to let certain things go. I have learned to be calm. I have no more evil,bad thoughts. Haven't been depressed in 10 years! (The first part of this I wrote YEARS ago. I felt like I had to come back to this to let everyone understand what I was going through then and that I'm okay now). I like to say that I'm cured. Some scars still remain obviously, but it's nothing that's out of control. The only person I have is God to keep me.