I don't like the dirty looks I get when talking about my interests in bdsm. I really don't share with everyone I speak with about this particular affinity of mine. It makes me feel bad and it makes me feel sad when someone looks at me in a weird way after telling them I like bdsm. I feel violated, those that frown upon it makes me feel as if something is wrong with me. Okay, so some people know my secret. It doesn't make me bad person. I'm used to being called a "weirdo", because everyone has always called me that; even when meeting someone new. Yes, I'm weird, but don't judge me. There's a safe and healthy way with participating in bdsm. And before you get to judging me, for you information, I have only participated in only a few acts of bdsm, the rest is all fantasy and wishful, hopeful thinking. The things I talk about while describing such acts, yes they are things that I will like to experience. Some things I have already did without the bdsm factors (such as compromising positions without all the torture and abuse, whips and chains). I have gotten my feet wet with this, and I attend on doing a lot more. Don't try to make me feel uncomfortable because of this. You wouldn't want anyone looking down on you because of your secrets...now would you?
How does BDSM make you feel when you hear someone mention it? What do you think about it? Is it bad? Is it something you would try? Why do you think its so weird and or nasty/filthy? Does something has to be wrong with someone because they like to talk about it or participate in it? Let's break it down to see what it is... In its most basic nature...
BDSM: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism
~Bondage is when you are restraining your partner (or vise versa). Or it can be the act of just restraining a particular body part (like breast bondage, wrist bondage, ankle bondage..etc)
~Discipline is just the restraining with the use of rules and punishment. (Punishment can be any kind of pain being afflicted... Whatever you like! Break the rules, and that's twenty hits with a Flogger. Whatever you and your partner come up with.
~Dominance is when one partner exercises control over the other, similar to (Sadomasochism one who enjoys afflicting sexual pain)
~Submission one who is submissive, consensually gives up all control to their "Master" (the dominant partner); slave
~Sadism (as mentioned with Dominance) Practitioners of sadomasochism usually seek out sexual gratification from the acts of afflicting pain
~Masochism (the opposite of Sadism) this is me. I am a Masochist, one who enjoys receiving pain, sexually. Subset of BDSM - S&M, yeah that Rhianna song! I was into this way before that record came along! S&M is usually just role-playing
You also have you TOP, the person doing the action, and the BOTTOM, person who receives. Not to be confused with Dominate and Submissive. There are things like "Pup-Play"(similar to "Animal Play", where the submissive slave acts like a puppy, whines, eats and drinks from a doggy bowl, growls etc, all for sexual gratification. There is "Tease and Denial", (similar to Erotic Sexual Denial) which is making the other person stay aroused while delaying or preventing sexual intercourse or resolution of the feelings, its keeping them in a continual state of anticipatory tension. So basically its heightening ones (sexual) sensitivity. You also have "Knife Play" and "Gun play", a fear of weapons is crucial in playing the part in stimulating the Submissive. The Knife Play serves as a slow, methodical form of stimulation, usually not breaking/cutting the skin, to the Sub. The Gun Play serves as a stimulate to the Sub as well. I have experienced the Gun Play, I will love to experience the Knife Play. "Breath Control" is when the Dom controls the Sub's breathing, this too is something I will like to do. "Impact Play" is my favorite; This involves the use of floggers, riding crops, whips, paddles, and etc. "Bondage" is my favorite as well (as mentioned above). I've been handcuffed before. I've been zip tied before. I would like to do the whole body bondage and ankle bondage as well. And I will like to be Hogtied. "Consensual non-consent" is something I want to do when I want to do the "Rape Fantasy/Ravishment" (which is consensual play rape). The Consensual non-consent is an agreement of consent given without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned; with a clear, safe and set limits are placed on the activities. This is describe as partners who deeply trust and understand each other, and knows each other extremely well. Only when you have a relationship such as that, you should participate in BDSM and any of its activities,
The play-rape is the only thing that I would ever feel bad about. Why? Because I know there are women being out there in the world that has been raped, and it happens everyday. So how dare I want to make it into a game? Yes, I feel bad about wanting to engage in such a fantasy. Even with that being my thoughts, I cant help but to still want it. I had a partner that I could trust, however we no longer can see each other. So it's not going to happen anytime soon. I just hope when I find the one for me, that he wouldn't mind this and I hope he doesn't freak out about this either. I need this in my life.
So, here you have it. Am I sick for liking sexual pain? Okay, I will admit that it is a little unorthodox, but no harm as long you have a willing and trusting partner. That is all it really takes. Oh and of course a Safe Word!
A guy "friend" once asked me why am I into bdsm, how did I get into it. Well, since being molested when I was 7, I grew up feeling all types of weird sexual feelings. I guess the older I got, the more it made sense that pain and sex goes together. I blame my affinity of BDSM on me being molested as a child. I got used to the abuse that I experienced back then, and I grew up with it. I was submissive when I was 7 years old when that happened, so it's only right and fair that I be submissive now when involved in sexual activities. I don't mind it, and I know what my predator did wasn't right and I don't have to be involved in bdsm because of that, but its a part of me now. I enjoy it. I embrace it. I like it. I won't stop. Credit to bdsm videos that I have been exposed to, and various social media outlets that have spread such content so freely. And also to my dark past that I lived. Some things from the past just mold and shape you into who you are when you get older, or at least parts of you. Will I do this for the rest of my life, well, I don't know. All I can say is that I am not ready to stop, or quit right now. There is a lot more that I want to do with this!
How do you see it?
Friday, April 26, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
No Title to Describe the Love for Someone
I love this man with every part of my being
But I understand that he is not worth keeping
Almost ten years of knowing him
However, then again, I really didn't know him.
He never cared about me
I never mattered to him
He never was concerned for me
I never interest him
It was only out of convenience when he would give me attention
It was only when he wanted what he wanted he'd give me a mention
My heart still loves him a lot.
My mind still thinks of him a lot.
Asked the question would he care if I died
He said that would hurt him, to never talk like that, is what he replied
So he cared enough for me only when I would perish
Not even being there for me in the past or now, he couldn't even cherish
Stepping out on his relationship, he wanted me
Not being faithful to her, to get what he wanted from me
Mentioned to me after this encounter, we couldn't have sex anymore
Stated to me he couldn't cheat anymore
He has a girlfriend and I have to leave him alone
He has a girlfriend and I have to leave for good and be gone
It was claimed that we really are or were friends
But it was only when he wanted to do what he did to me that I became a friend
I love him so much, and this all so bad hurts
I care about him so much, but my acquaintance with him I must desert
All that time I told him how I felt about him,..for five years!
All this time he was never going to give me what I wanted, and he knew it, playing me, and this brings me to tears
Now, he's with someone, and I wouldn't dare to wait
He's with her now, hoping for something with us later, I can't await
It makes me think and wonder, what was wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough
Now having to pick up the broken pieces of my heart to move on and forget is going to be tough
I just want him back so bad, but he makes me feel like a bad person
I just want to be with him so bad, but I have to stop lingering in this or my pain is going to worsen
Building the courage to stay away even if he comes back
Burying my life in God so that if he should return my persistence in staying away won't lack
As I look to God, he is all I have, and can be the only one to heal my heart
I'm committing my ways to him, and leaving that guy alone, so I'm doing my part
I wonder if this man will ever realize how much I love, care, and feel about him
I wonder if this man will ever understand how much I would have been there for him, giving him everything, just to take care of him
He has been the only guy that I ever wanted to be with, I can't see myself with anyone else
It's overdo for me to let got now because someone out there is better, I deserve someone else
But, oh well, all is done and gone for now, all this must be lost
If he should ever come to me again, I'm going to have to ignore, for me, his accost
I want to say I'm sorry, I always want to apologize
However, I'm not the one who should be saying it, my love for him he refused to recognized..
But I understand that he is not worth keeping
Almost ten years of knowing him
However, then again, I really didn't know him.
He never cared about me
I never mattered to him
He never was concerned for me
I never interest him
It was only out of convenience when he would give me attention
It was only when he wanted what he wanted he'd give me a mention
My heart still loves him a lot.
My mind still thinks of him a lot.
Asked the question would he care if I died
He said that would hurt him, to never talk like that, is what he replied
So he cared enough for me only when I would perish
Not even being there for me in the past or now, he couldn't even cherish
Stepping out on his relationship, he wanted me
Not being faithful to her, to get what he wanted from me
Mentioned to me after this encounter, we couldn't have sex anymore
Stated to me he couldn't cheat anymore
He has a girlfriend and I have to leave him alone
He has a girlfriend and I have to leave for good and be gone
It was claimed that we really are or were friends
But it was only when he wanted to do what he did to me that I became a friend
I love him so much, and this all so bad hurts
I care about him so much, but my acquaintance with him I must desert
All that time I told him how I felt about him,..for five years!
All this time he was never going to give me what I wanted, and he knew it, playing me, and this brings me to tears
Now, he's with someone, and I wouldn't dare to wait
He's with her now, hoping for something with us later, I can't await
It makes me think and wonder, what was wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough
Now having to pick up the broken pieces of my heart to move on and forget is going to be tough
I just want him back so bad, but he makes me feel like a bad person
I just want to be with him so bad, but I have to stop lingering in this or my pain is going to worsen
Building the courage to stay away even if he comes back
Burying my life in God so that if he should return my persistence in staying away won't lack
As I look to God, he is all I have, and can be the only one to heal my heart
I'm committing my ways to him, and leaving that guy alone, so I'm doing my part
I wonder if this man will ever realize how much I love, care, and feel about him
I wonder if this man will ever understand how much I would have been there for him, giving him everything, just to take care of him
He has been the only guy that I ever wanted to be with, I can't see myself with anyone else
It's overdo for me to let got now because someone out there is better, I deserve someone else
But, oh well, all is done and gone for now, all this must be lost
If he should ever come to me again, I'm going to have to ignore, for me, his accost
I want to say I'm sorry, I always want to apologize
However, I'm not the one who should be saying it, my love for him he refused to recognized..
Jail Cell
Put me in a jail cell and lock me up
Handcuff me and don't let me go
Put me in a jail cell and make me feel uncomfortable
Handcuff my wrists to the bars
Rip my clothes off and coke me
Strip my clothes off and squeeze my neck
I'm in prison therefore I am your prisoner
I'm in prison therefore you are my Master
I've been bad, so punish me
I've be corrupted, so abuse me
Take out your club and hit my body with it
Take out your club and 'you know what' me with it
Blindfold me and do something with me
Blindfold me so that I'm in darkness when you make my body chill
Gag me with your utility belt so no one can hear my screams
Gag me with your belt so I won't be able to tell you to stop
Take a sheet and tie my body to the jail cell bars
Take a sheet and tie my legs to the jail cell bars
Once bound, torture me
Once bound, abuse me
Release me from the bars but, lock me up to the bed
Release all gags, ties and handcuff me to the bed
On the jail cell bed, lying face up you handcuff my ankles and wrists to the bed posts
Tie my wrists to the bed above my head
Tie my wrists tight so I won't be able to fight back
Look me into my eyes and call me a filthy name as you have your way with me
Look me into my eyes and call me whatever you want as you do whatever you want to me
You're done, for now, playing BDSM in this Jail Cell game
You're finished, for now, in our "this should stay secret" Jail Cell fantasy
Handcuff me and don't let me go
Put me in a jail cell and make me feel uncomfortable
Handcuff my wrists to the bars
Rip my clothes off and coke me
Strip my clothes off and squeeze my neck
I'm in prison therefore I am your prisoner
I'm in prison therefore you are my Master
I've been bad, so punish me
I've be corrupted, so abuse me
Take out your club and hit my body with it
Take out your club and 'you know what' me with it
Blindfold me and do something with me
Blindfold me so that I'm in darkness when you make my body chill
Gag me with your utility belt so no one can hear my screams
Gag me with your belt so I won't be able to tell you to stop
Take a sheet and tie my body to the jail cell bars
Take a sheet and tie my legs to the jail cell bars
Once bound, torture me
Once bound, abuse me
Release me from the bars but, lock me up to the bed
Release all gags, ties and handcuff me to the bed
On the jail cell bed, lying face up you handcuff my ankles and wrists to the bed posts
Tie my wrists to the bed above my head
Tie my wrists tight so I won't be able to fight back
Look me into my eyes and call me a filthy name as you have your way with me
Look me into my eyes and call me whatever you want as you do whatever you want to me
You're done, for now, playing BDSM in this Jail Cell game
You're finished, for now, in our "this should stay secret" Jail Cell fantasy
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Player
Learning his tricks. Learning his ways
Knowing his scams. Knowing his schemes.
Realize the games. Realize his deception.
Realize his intentions. Realize the motives.
Recognize his plays. Recognize his moves.
He's just doing what players do
He just fucks like players do
Doesn't give a shit like what players do
Doesn't say shit just like what players do
Uses women just like what players do
Uses his power over weak bitches just like what players do
Done with the bullshit. Done with the lies.
Know all the games. Know all the tricks.
Agnize the sweet talk. Agnize the "Baby" speech.
Saw all the misleading ways. Saw all the fake connotations
Learned from the best. Learned it from The Player
Strange Chemistry
To describe this young man seems like an impossible task for me to do
Words just can't explain the web of his charm that he has inadvertently pulled me in to
This young man captivates my mind in such a way that I can't comprehend
He's a sweet, nice, handsome guy that I thought I could potentially confide in
But I'm so damaged, I didn't even give it a chance
He knew something was up, even from the first glance
I feel responsible for this circle of games that I've put him through
All my silly doubts and fears, no wonder from me he withdrew
I understand Time was the main deal
It all started, but ended so quickly, it feels so surreal
By no means am I upset at him, he's done nothing wrong
It's me that continues to bring my baggage along
I hope that we would have been really good true friends, I was looking forward to that
However my past and ghosts are responsible for our mishap
I believed that being friends with this guy would had been so fun, exciting, and just something new
I believed that being friends with this young man would had been an eccentric yet so fairytale like and it just didn't fall through
We're so different, but at the same time, we're just alike
It feels a little weird that I can't describe it, but it's nothing about this that I dislike
Trust me, I wanted to experience everything in our friendship..
From trust, care, sex, to telling secrets, sharing our pasts, and cuddles, all plus more, in the friendship
Yes, I wanted to be exposed to all the things in life with him, a friendship so spectacular
I bet we could have came up with our own vernacular :)
Yes I wanted to kiss him I waned to experience his touch, and I wanted to caress him
At the same time, yes I wanted to be his friend, his hang out buddy, to just to be cool with him
We're good now, we understand each others situations, everything is clear
I had no bad intentions and that is absolutely sincere
But I guess its quite over now, nothing to come of this, of us
I have to stop drowning myself when things don't work out and that is a must!
If I had to descried him...
He's tall like the tallest tree in the forest
He's white like the whitest sand on the beach
He has the deepest blue eyes like the clearest blue ocean
He has a slim build with a sexiness to accompany his body
His voice is like the sound of angels singing
And his smile is as the beautiful rising of the sun
The hair on his head is like the blackness of a soft towel
His touch, oh my is his touch magical, sending a chill through my body
His sense or humor, the way he speaks, how he walks, the depth of his mind, and the mystery of his heart... Illuminating!!
Yes, YOU!
Words just can't explain the web of his charm that he has inadvertently pulled me in to
This young man captivates my mind in such a way that I can't comprehend
He's a sweet, nice, handsome guy that I thought I could potentially confide in
But I'm so damaged, I didn't even give it a chance
He knew something was up, even from the first glance
I feel responsible for this circle of games that I've put him through
All my silly doubts and fears, no wonder from me he withdrew
I understand Time was the main deal
It all started, but ended so quickly, it feels so surreal
By no means am I upset at him, he's done nothing wrong
It's me that continues to bring my baggage along
I hope that we would have been really good true friends, I was looking forward to that
However my past and ghosts are responsible for our mishap
I believed that being friends with this guy would had been so fun, exciting, and just something new
I believed that being friends with this young man would had been an eccentric yet so fairytale like and it just didn't fall through
We're so different, but at the same time, we're just alike
It feels a little weird that I can't describe it, but it's nothing about this that I dislike
Trust me, I wanted to experience everything in our friendship..
From trust, care, sex, to telling secrets, sharing our pasts, and cuddles, all plus more, in the friendship
Yes, I wanted to be exposed to all the things in life with him, a friendship so spectacular
I bet we could have came up with our own vernacular :)
Yes I wanted to kiss him I waned to experience his touch, and I wanted to caress him
At the same time, yes I wanted to be his friend, his hang out buddy, to just to be cool with him
We're good now, we understand each others situations, everything is clear
I had no bad intentions and that is absolutely sincere
But I guess its quite over now, nothing to come of this, of us
I have to stop drowning myself when things don't work out and that is a must!
If I had to descried him...
He's tall like the tallest tree in the forest
He's white like the whitest sand on the beach
He has the deepest blue eyes like the clearest blue ocean
He has a slim build with a sexiness to accompany his body
His voice is like the sound of angels singing
And his smile is as the beautiful rising of the sun
The hair on his head is like the blackness of a soft towel
His touch, oh my is his touch magical, sending a chill through my body
His sense or humor, the way he speaks, how he walks, the depth of his mind, and the mystery of his heart... Illuminating!!
Yes, YOU!
Monday, April 15, 2013
BLACK
Black is beautiful, Black is Bold
Black is lovely, Black is like Gold
Black is mysterious, Black is captivating
Black is glorious, Black is motivating
The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice
The darker the woman, the sweeter is her juice
The darker the man, the sweeter his seduce
Black is sexy, Black is strong
Black is sweet, Black is never go wrong
Black is deep, Black is entrancing
Black is splendorous, Black is romancing
Being BLACK is so damn beautiful!
:)
Black is lovely, Black is like Gold
Black is mysterious, Black is captivating
Black is glorious, Black is motivating
The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice
The darker the woman, the sweeter is her juice
The darker the man, the sweeter his seduce
Black is sexy, Black is strong
Black is sweet, Black is never go wrong
Black is deep, Black is entrancing
Black is splendorous, Black is romancing
Being BLACK is so damn beautiful!
:)
Friday, April 12, 2013
The Eyes are Windows into the Soul
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Can you see the pain that's hurting me?
Probe into the depths of my eyes, that of which leads to my soul
Can you foresee the pain that my soul beholds?
Glance at my sight and tell me that my eyes don't carry any secrets
Do you notice the sadness they channel, if so, will you keep it?
Peek into my oculus and act out what you see
Will you be able to preform the violence that has happened to me?
Stare into my eyes and see the path into my soul
Are there any mystifying truths that hasn't been told?
Gaze into the depths of my eyes and tell me what you see
Can you fathom the horrors that's torturing me?
As you journey into my soul, there is another
Looking into my eyes, you'll see a fond other
Observe the love that exist within my soul
Discover the profound tenderness that's deepen, yet surfaced, that's occupying my soul
It's not all hurt and pain
Just look into my eyes again
The eyes are the windows into ones soul
The eyes tell all of what's to unfold
Can you see the pain that's hurting me?
Probe into the depths of my eyes, that of which leads to my soul
Can you foresee the pain that my soul beholds?
Glance at my sight and tell me that my eyes don't carry any secrets
Do you notice the sadness they channel, if so, will you keep it?
Peek into my oculus and act out what you see
Will you be able to preform the violence that has happened to me?
Stare into my eyes and see the path into my soul
Are there any mystifying truths that hasn't been told?
Gaze into the depths of my eyes and tell me what you see
Can you fathom the horrors that's torturing me?
As you journey into my soul, there is another
Looking into my eyes, you'll see a fond other
Observe the love that exist within my soul
Discover the profound tenderness that's deepen, yet surfaced, that's occupying my soul
It's not all hurt and pain
Just look into my eyes again
The eyes are the windows into ones soul
The eyes tell all of what's to unfold
To My MEN
I'm sorry if I wasn't pretty enough
I'm sorry if I wasn't thin enough
I'm sorry that my hair wasn't long enough
I'm sorry if my skin wasn't light enough for you
I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough for you
I'm sorry if I wasn't as cold as you would have liked me to had been
I'm sorry if I wasn't as fun as you would have liked me to had been
Oh, no..wait!
I'm sorry I was too good for you
I'm sorry I was too real for you
I'm sorry I was too blunt and honest for you
I'm sorry I cared about you so much
I'm sorry I loved you with all of my heart and was in love with you
I'm sorry for just wanting to take care for you, and wanting to be there for you for everything!
Yep, that's it...
You never cared how much I cared for you
You never cared how much I was in to you
You never cared that my intentions and feelings were real
You never cared that everything I did for you, I did it out of love for you
You never cared about what I wanted
You never cared about the love I professed to you
They look at me and no man seems to care to get to know what kind of heart I have
They look at me and no man seems to care about the intriguing thoughts that linger in my mind
They see me and all that comes to their mind is sex
They see me and all they think about is laying me down
They look at me and they don't even give me a chance
They look at me and they don't want to get to know me
But that's okay..
I'm sorry if I wasn't thin enough
I'm sorry that my hair wasn't long enough
I'm sorry if my skin wasn't light enough for you
I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough for you
I'm sorry if I wasn't as cold as you would have liked me to had been
I'm sorry if I wasn't as fun as you would have liked me to had been
Oh, no..wait!
I'm sorry I was too good for you
I'm sorry I was too real for you
I'm sorry I was too blunt and honest for you
I'm sorry I cared about you so much
I'm sorry I loved you with all of my heart and was in love with you
I'm sorry for just wanting to take care for you, and wanting to be there for you for everything!
Yep, that's it...
You never cared how much I cared for you
You never cared how much I was in to you
You never cared that my intentions and feelings were real
You never cared that everything I did for you, I did it out of love for you
You never cared about what I wanted
You never cared about the love I professed to you
They look at me and no man seems to care to get to know what kind of heart I have
They look at me and no man seems to care about the intriguing thoughts that linger in my mind
They see me and all that comes to their mind is sex
They see me and all they think about is laying me down
They look at me and they don't even give me a chance
They look at me and they don't want to get to know me
But that's okay..
Sunday, April 7, 2013
My Road
My life is going extremely tough right now. I have nobody and I am completely alone. The ones I thought I could trust are too self absorbed for my liking. Do you know how bad it feels to not be able to talk to anyone..and to not be able to talk about everything you need to get off of your chest!? My mind is in a constant constant struggle to think positive or negative. I battle with this every single day almost all, the entire day long. I fight everyday and I'm getting so so tired of it. I want to let it all go and just give up but God won't let me. He won't let me die. At the point I was going to give up my Faith, he stepped in and told my sister to tell me "trust in me, rely on me, come to me". He keeps saving me and I really don't know why. He must have something really special planned for me in my life that He wants to see me accomplish. Will I ever get to hear Him on my own? No. And I don't know why that is. I talk to Him. Pray, meditate, read the Bible all of that and He still never says anything to me. Sometimes I feel as if He has something against me because he can talk to my sister to tell me something, but He didn't say it to me directly. Why? And I asked this of Him. Answer I got: nothing. On top of this spiritual warfare, I still have other battles going on.
As I mentioned, I have no one to turn to. I don't know about you, but even when my life is busy, hectic, when there's so much going on, I NEVER put my friends cares to the side. I'm always there for them no matter what I may be going through. I never leave them hanging. That's how my last friendship ended. I couldn't stand to be around her selfishness anymore so I distance myself from her until we were no more. Or maybe I'm just not a good friend. But I thought I put in effort, I try, I communicate, I make contact, but I receive very little of that in return. But you know what, oh well. No one really cares about me expect for this one friend that I do have. And I really appreciate her being willing to go to church together. She's looking for Faith, and I'm struggling trying to keep it. This means alot to me and if we can really help each other out on this, that would be the greatest thing. I still, sometimes want to think that the problem is me, but I just want to say that it's not. I don't think it is. If so, if something is wrong, with me, tell me. But I'm starting not to care anyway. I'm hanging on by a thread of everyone and everything that I have. I feel as if soon that I'm just going to let that thread go. Its weighing very very thin. I can't take any of this anymore. And I'm just tired. I dont even care about my english, if any of this makes any sense, misspelled words, I just dont care anymore. Im stuck here on Earth, I cant die, Im barely living as it is...
And out of the few people who might read this, they would probably let me off myself. nobody cares. Nobody care. I guess they think its all my imagination, that none of this is real. Well its plenty of real, and every single thing i put on here is the truth about what happened, how I feel, all is real. If i should ever die before the end, just refer those that knew me to this blog. Maybe perhaps then they would understand..
As I mentioned, I have no one to turn to. I don't know about you, but even when my life is busy, hectic, when there's so much going on, I NEVER put my friends cares to the side. I'm always there for them no matter what I may be going through. I never leave them hanging. That's how my last friendship ended. I couldn't stand to be around her selfishness anymore so I distance myself from her until we were no more. Or maybe I'm just not a good friend. But I thought I put in effort, I try, I communicate, I make contact, but I receive very little of that in return. But you know what, oh well. No one really cares about me expect for this one friend that I do have. And I really appreciate her being willing to go to church together. She's looking for Faith, and I'm struggling trying to keep it. This means alot to me and if we can really help each other out on this, that would be the greatest thing. I still, sometimes want to think that the problem is me, but I just want to say that it's not. I don't think it is. If so, if something is wrong, with me, tell me. But I'm starting not to care anyway. I'm hanging on by a thread of everyone and everything that I have. I feel as if soon that I'm just going to let that thread go. Its weighing very very thin. I can't take any of this anymore. And I'm just tired. I dont even care about my english, if any of this makes any sense, misspelled words, I just dont care anymore. Im stuck here on Earth, I cant die, Im barely living as it is...
And out of the few people who might read this, they would probably let me off myself. nobody cares. Nobody care. I guess they think its all my imagination, that none of this is real. Well its plenty of real, and every single thing i put on here is the truth about what happened, how I feel, all is real. If i should ever die before the end, just refer those that knew me to this blog. Maybe perhaps then they would understand..
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