My Road

My life is going extremely tough right now. I have nobody and I am completely alone. The ones I thought I could trust are too self absorbed for my liking. Do you know how bad it feels to not be able to talk to anyone..and to not be able to talk about everything you need to get off of your chest!? My mind is in a constant constant struggle to think positive or negative. I battle with this every single day almost all, the entire day long. I fight everyday and I'm getting so so tired of it. I want to let it all go and just give up but God won't let me. He won't let me die. At the point I was going to give up my Faith, he stepped in and told my sister to tell me "trust in me, rely on me, come to me". He keeps saving me and I really don't know why. He must have something really special planned for me in my life that He wants to see me accomplish. Will I ever get to hear Him on my own? No. And I don't know why that is. I talk to Him. Pray, meditate, read the Bible all of that and He still never says anything to me. Sometimes I feel as if He has something against me because he can talk to my sister to tell me something, but He didn't say it to me directly. Why? And I asked this of Him. Answer I got: nothing. On top of this spiritual warfare, I still have other battles going on.

As I mentioned, I have no one to turn to. I don't know about you, but even when my life is busy, hectic, when there's so much going on, I NEVER put my friends cares to the side. I'm always there for them no matter what I may be going through. I never leave them hanging. That's how my last friendship ended. I couldn't stand to be around her selfishness anymore so I distance myself from her until we were no more. Or maybe I'm just not a good friend. But I thought I put in effort, I try, I communicate, I make contact, but I receive very little of that in return. But you know what, oh well. No one really cares about me expect for this one friend that I do have. And I really appreciate her being willing to go to church together. She's looking for Faith, and I'm struggling trying to keep it. This means alot to me and if we can really help each other out on this, that would be the greatest thing. I still, sometimes want to think that the problem is me, but I just want to say that it's not. I don't think it is. If so, if something is wrong, with me, tell me. But I'm starting not to care anyway. I'm hanging on by a thread of everyone and everything that I have. I feel as if soon that I'm just going to let that thread go. Its weighing very very thin. I can't take any of this anymore. And I'm just tired. I dont even care about my english, if any of this makes any sense, misspelled words, I just dont care anymore. Im stuck here on Earth, I cant die, Im barely living as it is...

And out of the few people who might read this, they would probably let me off myself. nobody cares. Nobody care. I guess they think its all my imagination, that none of this is real. Well its plenty of real, and every single thing i put on here is the truth about what happened, how I feel, all is real. If i should ever die before the end, just refer those that knew me to this blog. Maybe perhaps then they would understand..