Serenity

You wiped my tears away every time I cried

When I was in darkness your light, to me, you supplied

You picked me up every time I fell down

Taking my fallen position and turning it around

Having doubt, unbelief, and fear; you caused me to trust you

Giving me help, peace, and comfort; you gave me a reason to continue

When I cried out to you at night in my bed; you came down to hold me

Providing compassion and sweet sound heavenly sleep; you held me until the morning

Washing away every unfruitful and evil being that's inside my heart; cleaning me up

Downloading whats good and pure into my heart; leaving no room for darkness to interrupt

Thank you for all you have done for me, and thank thanking you for what's to come

I know where my help, strength, and joy comes from

His Glory Changed Me

I know most of everything I've posted on here is depressing, some sexually explicit things, I come off as childish, confused, hopeless, and a lot of other negative things; (but let's not forget about the good things). But one thing I failed to do was to talk about how I changed.

God have been working on me; from sending people to help me, or Him showing me himself. I can say that I am A LOT better from where I used to be. I lived with Depression for almost 20 years. My days were filled with darkness; my nights were filled with gloom. I would cry all the time, attempted suicide (multiple times); I couldn't sleep, always feeling alone, sad… Every day my life was like this and worse for years. But every day I would cry out to God, “why me? Why is this happening to me? Why did this have to happen to me? HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!” That is mostly what I cried out to God, me asking, pleading, and begging for his help; to get me out of the hell, hurt, pain, anguish that I was stuck in. It started when I was 7, and I’ll be 27 this November. Almost 20 years I’ve live with this. When I was in my early 20s, is when my depression became situational; being depressed because I had no job, or because I gained weight, etc.

Every now and then, I feel a little sadness; because everyone around me has someone, while I have no one. The people I want to tell my story to isn’t interested, and the people I wouldn’t want to tell my story to wants to know. Yes, I talk to God, but I’m still waiting to hear from Him. I want and need to hear him for myself. And this is a topic I don’t like to talk about because it saddens me. I want that relationship with God; but I can’t deny or ignore what he has brought me out of.

I’m not that much of a damaged person that I used to be. And I only say “not that much” instead of  not at all, because I can tell there still is a tad bit of residue left. However, I also can tell that God is working on me with washing what’s left, away! I’m not that sexually explicit woman anymore, wanting bdsm. My attitude is better, I’m looking up more, I am truly changing, and I have God to credit for that. I’m just in a better place because of God, because he loves me; he had mercy on me and gave me grace. I am different from some of the other things I posted on here, even with still having a little dusting left to work on, because God is changing me. It’s a continuous process.

So I’m sorry if I don’t talk about God a lot on here like I do everything else. That doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful or unappreciative. Sometimes you just can’t put His Glory in to words…you just see it, and live it.

 

All I Want...

I have this deep deep longing to share my story with someone special. And I mean that "special someone".  I yearn to tell him all my hurts, pains, depressions, weaknesses, and short falls. Why will I want to share such awful news with the love of my life? Because I need, want, someone to be interested in what happened to me; For someone to care about my past and would want to know all about me, past, present, and future. I just noticed that I have yet to know someone that has been through something even remotely similar to what I've been through. Yes, I know everyone has a different story, but I have no one to relate to regrading what happened to me and the effects. So I long to tell that special someone.

This burning hankering to talk to someone is so deep. I have no one to talk to. Yes, I talk to God; however so far, "it hasn't came yet", (me being able to hear from Him). So even though he hears me, I hear nothing in return, I'm still waiting. In the meantime, I'm longing for someone.

I just want someone to like me
I just want someone to be interested in me
I just want someone to want to be with me
I just want someone who wants to know all about me
I want someone to ask me questions
I want someone to elaborate on the answers he gives me (instead of one-worded answers like guys usually do)
I want someone to call me
I want someone to text me
I want someone to write me a letter
I want someone to want to want me
I want to wake up in the morning and see a text from him
I want to get an unexpected phone call or text from that guy
I want someone to care about me
I want someone that will love me


Still aching for someone to talk to. And honestly, I have never never, ever had a real, true relationship with a guy, never ever. I have never ever had a boyfriend, or been someones girlfriend, never ever! Ever. No one to spill out everything I have inside. As far as a guy right now to share with what's inside of me, nothing!

All I want is that special guy to tell him what's been in my heart for years...two decades of release I need. That's just All I Want...

Incomplete Thoughts...

I'm so sick and tired of having no one to talk to. I have no one and no one has me. No one wants me. No one is interested in me. I have no one to talk to. I go to God but he never responds. He never answers. What's the point of talking to God and you can't hear him??

Not Me

You didn't pick me so I know I'm not one of your special friends
You didn't choose me so I know I'm not one to have your interests
Just Not Me

You don't talk to me so I know I'm not important to you
You don't give me any attention so I know you don't care about me
Its just Not Me

I never ever hear from you on your own volition, so you don't care to put any effort in
I never get anything from you on your own initiative, so you are thoughtless about me
Well at least for Not Me

I put in effort, and give attention, however the same is not reciprocated
I exercise your mind, however I'm left dissolute
Guess its Not Me

You have a choice, and it's Not Me!

Suicide: What's Left

You wonder what position you're going to fall in once you kill yourself
You thought about how your body will lay lifeless after you did the deed
Pounded how your body will be discovered
Question when someone will recover your torso

Suicide was committed, you have no say so in what's to be retrieved
Offing yourself, you can only put it in your letter how you want your body rescue to be done
Self- execution you performed, there are no predictors in how gruesome your body will be left
You killed yourself, unless you left instructions, you no longer have control what's to be done with you
Gave yourself the death penalty, you have no more rights or speech

But you wonder about what kind of posture your corpse is going to have
Thought about how your body parts will lay
Pounded on how the scene will be
Questioned when someone will come and take away your remains


just don't do it.. Don't commit suicide

Promise Me

The next time we get in touch with one another, can you please promise me that you will sex me like you have never sexed me before? Can you promise me that no matter how much i tell you to stop or slow down, that you'll take my body for the taking? Please can you promise me this? Please promise that you'll choke sex me hard and rough. Promise to back sex me until i can't walk. Promise to spit in my mouth and slap and punch me around. Promise to call me dirty names while you do me so fast and tough. Promise me that you'll make me crawl to you like a pet and kiss your feet. And can you please promise to tie me up, and handcuff me?? Can you promise to blindfold me, and gag me if you want to?? Can you promise to whip me with a chain and belt? Promise me that you'll slow it down and grind me at a slow tempo. Promise me that while you doing me with no haste, that you'll bite on my neck and kiss on my ears. Promise me you're going to make out with me while you slow sex me. Can you please promise me that while you decelerate, that you will play with me? Please can you promise me these things? The next time we get in touch with one another, can you please promise me that you'll breast sex me? Promise me that your mouth is going to bite, suck, and gnaw on my breasts and nipples.

 

When we get back in touch, first can you promise to embrace me with a hug and a kiss? Promise to talk to me, to catch up. Then, can you promise to start the foreplay? Please promise me that you're going to start slow by touching me all over my body. Promise that you can put me in the mood. Please promise that you're going to tease me to get me in the mood. And when the foreplay ends, can you promise me that you will be the one to take off my shirt. Promise me that you are going to be the one to pull down my pants. You know what comes next, promise me that you're going to unsnap and take off my bra. The best part, please promise me that you're going to pull down my panties and lay me on the bed.

 

Oh how I can't wait until we get back in touch... Because I know that you're going to keep these promises