When Will it END

Every day my life is filled with pain                  Every day my heart aches

Never going away                                              Never going away    

Doesn't seem to let up                                       Doesn't seem I'll be free

Each day in my life I cry                                   Each day my heart hurts
Not ceasing to ease                                          Not finishing to heal
Don't want to live like this anymore                Don't want to live agony anymore

Every day I feel unreal                                     Every day I become more undone
Never feeling unslaved                                    Never living escaped
Doesn't appear to have near bliss                   Don't want to exist in ail any longer

Each days brings a new affliction                  Each day is the same suffering
Not being able to grip the sun                        Not being able to lift my face
Don't know how to fight anymore                  Don't know how to continue with life

Each and every day there is a fight, a struggle for me to survive
Not a day that passes where I'm pleading with the Lord, never going through the day without a tear
Don't this all seem to be painful, doesn't it make you for feel pity on this soul...

I'm just wondering when its all going to END...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Questions of Words of Longevity

Can I once again go in too deep to where I've went before?

Could I ever experience those things that have shaken me down to my core?

Can I ever regain and withhold what comes and what goes?

Could I once again recapture what inspired me before at the most?

Are my words loosing their essence?

Have they faded away into evanescence?

Are my words no longer creating a release for what I feel inside?

Have they ran away and lost their meaning to what they used to provide?

 

Can my words ever regain what I need them to release for me?

Could my words eventually become my own worst enemy?

Can I ever recover my shattered hopes of piecing back the meaning of what I write?

Could my words be lost forever and fade into a death of an empty light?

 

Has the passion for my spillage of speech in words depart from my desires to heal my wombs?

Are my words now a crutch unsupported by the fulfillment of relinquishing my language, heading into the poetry of doom?

Has the need of my verbiage to mean something be gone forever,..for good?

Are the uncertainties of the meaning for my purpose to expose my internally mirrored being, messages to others to be misunderstood?

  

Subtle Addiction

 

You’re like a drug to me. I need a hit of you each day

From good morning to goodnight, you keep me full

My hunger is satisfied when we inject into each other…Its you that make me feel this way

You are like an electric current and I am the wire that needs your running shock

There is a force nature here which nothing would be able to stop

Your drug and outlets influence me to have much to say

I am your burst of lighting, your need for your rays

You are like a racing car with adrenaline for speed and I am your green light

Here as you friend to help fulfill your every need, I am with you ready to take flight

This could be getting kind of old; you get the picture, so let’s get in with the new

Top Secret: the way I feel about you... Oh how you so don’t have a clue

Anyway, yeah this is going out of style and its going to go out of date

For anything more, be worry free, don’t hold your breath, you won’t have to wait…

The Bottle

My baby, my love. I am so sorry that happened to you
I want to be there for you. I want to protect you
I wish I was there at that time to protect you
I wish I could had shielded you from what happened
I will never let anything like that happen to you again
Let go of everything and just trust me
Let go of everything and let me take care of you
I know your problems won't go away easy, but I will help you
I will help you every step of the way
You can feel free to share all with me
You can feel free to open up to me
I will never let anything harm you
I will never let anyone hurt you again
Trust in me and I will always be there for you
Put down that bottle and feel the love and support you have surrounding you
Put down that bottle and find peace
I'm sorry what she did drove you to try to self-destruct
I'm sorry what she did to you caused you to hate yourself and life
What he did to you was horrid..
But Stop trying to drink to forget
What he did to you was horrific...
But stop trying to drink it out of your memory
Take my hand and Ill help you
Take my word and I'll support you
Don't trust the bottle
Trust those who believe in you
Don't trust the bottle
Trust those who love you
Pick yourself up and Ill hold you in place
Pick yourself up and you'll have a group of people helping you on your feet
Please, put The Bottle Down!

Cake

The woman that's on the outside, she was promised what would fulfill her heart
As she looks into their lives, she feels exploited and victimized
At times, she gets to experience a little bit of that happiness, but then is quickly disregarded
What's not enough for her, for once each time, she understands the rush to leave, but then, where does that leave her
She's left in near tears. She's left with her heart feeling used. She's left feeling secondhanded
The woman wonders how would it be if things were different... if there were only one of them
Would she then become the one on the inside, or would she continue to be a grocery store
A shopping center is more likely what she'll remain
She doesn't want to shut-down shop, and that's at the expense of her own happiness in heart
Not wanting to disappoint the customer, she'll remain running and availably open
With looking forward to seeing some new merchandise come in, she's hopeful that will spark some refreshness
She knows that service is excellent now, but perhaps how she feels about things now, the new additions she hopes will change how she feels about the current arrangements
But she must not forget her location... She's rented!
Perhaps maybe on borrowed land for the rest of her life?..
Its a mystery what will happen when her own business partner arrives.. Will she continue to please the customer? (she'll say yes, but she doesn't want to swindle)
Let her stop thinking about the "what ifs", and get back to the "what is"
And what is, is the fact that, again, she's in a situation where she is only needed and wanted for one thing. Hey, the customer just wants some cake!
She has no ring. She has no commitment. She has no one that loves her. She has nothing!!
Oh, but what she will always have is delicious cake!
And she's put-upon because of it
The customer is good, in every way, inside and out, during purchasing or not... All around good...Great she may add
But she still cannot help but to think,... to feel, "thank you, I got what I wanted. Now Bye!"
That destroys her more than you will ever know!
With two of them, she understands it will be hard to keep a friendship. But all she wants to know for now, is that are there any attempts or efforts to do what's necessary to have a friendship??...
So, the woman on the outside, she continues to look at those who are on the other end
She continues to see the situation that, at times, boils under her skin
Why? Because is it really fair to have cake and eat it too?
While paying the price, at the expense of what she wants, she sees the one she services give what all her heart has ever longed for, to someone else!
That's why she's just a grocery store and not gourmet, and that is where she will always be, and the standard of who she will always remain to be...The lesser
Where is the love for her? Where is the need for her besides to pick up and then leave? Where is the want for her besides the brief free shopping spree?
When will she get the one instead of the customer?
Until then, she continues to look in at the inside, watching the customer live with giving to someone else what she, herself has yearned for for most of her life
She will continue to 'supply' what's asked and in demand while hurting on her own inside
Because it's not fair for her to feel that way,...to hurt.
But she would rather give service with a hurting heart and with a sense of being 'requested for', than to have the customer be without what that person craves and is excited to get every time
And she would say to the customer, don't worry about the being of her or feel bad because of her pain, because it is all her fault, and nothing to do with the customer
She would say continue to shop because the cake will always be there...

To Belong

We all have that friend who depends on you. We all have that friend that when everyone else fails that someone can come to you. We all have that friend that cares and loves you. We all have that friend that makes friendships purposeful to you. Where is that friend for me? When will I have that friend for me? Yes those of mine care and love me, but I feel as if I'm not really needed. Sometimes even at my worse moments, to those who claim to be with me, to them my cries go unheeded. I just want to belong. And this has been the issue all along. I'm no ones best friend. I'm thinking maybe some friendships I should suspend. This may seem elementary. But I'm not even good enough to be supplementary. Sometimes we do just have that one friend we can go to for every thing. And that one friend is there for you no matter what your problems may bring. Do I have such a friend? Well, yes I do have such a friend. I can run and tell her whatever is going on in my life. However, because of my issues I have a little strife. Not always what you tell someone requires feedback. However, I have an unhealthy need to have to always get something back. I always need something in return, I must get something back. If not, then I become upset and hurt, there is a lot my heart lacks. If I don't contact any of my friends, it's more than likely, I won't hear from them. Those people I don't mean to condemn. But there are reasons why my friendships makes me feel so grim. I'm not that person where my friends can come to me about any and every thing. I think it's because there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hurtful it is to not be that one person someone don't come to? I mean, I'm basically my only friend, from my point of view. None of my friends come to me, I'm no ones best friend. So how can it be that I have a best friend? I think this is the first time in my life, since a long time, where I feel lonely. I am no ones one and only. Maybe my issues has made it hard to trust. If so, then the problem of these friendships are unjust. I was thinking  could I really sacrifice all my friendships for the one that really counts. Because God is the only one who can make me feel like I belong, without any doubts.

 

 

I know that pretty much all of this sounds childish and immature. But if you can understand what it means to get your childhood and innocence ripped away from you, this is part of it. Every single fucking thing in my life, every issue, traces back to my sexual abuse. You would think at my age, I would have learned something, or gotten better. No. I'm facing years of therapy ahead because I am  still damaged and still broken in every way. Being abused took my sense of security, and it has took hell a lot more than that as well. I always feel like an outcast, like I never belong. What seems to look like healthy friendships on the outside, to others, well it's not for me. I have a constant cry of why me and/or why not me. Lately I have been thinking that I would just let go of everyone, because I'm not that needed. If I were, I think I would at least hear from those everyday...If I were, perhaps they would bring their problems and issues to me to talk about and get advice. And don't lie and say you do! It hurts to have to think about this, but I keep thinking about my reward. God has to meet me at the other end. If I let everyone go, I will have to trust God that he'll be there. Even now I am trying my hardest to try to find him because he is the only one who can cure me of this. And the most hurtful and disappointing thing about all of this, is that I don't even have a mutual shared religion with any of my friends! Of course, so why would I be that one!? It is extremely disheartening not being able to go to friends and talk about God with them. Not being able to lift them up or have them keep me on track with God's promises. I'm Christian, with no Christian friends!? No wonder I can never find God! It hurts...it just all hurts. i have nothing left to say....

He Won't Let You Down

There has been multiple times in my life when I said out loud, "God, where are you!?" During those times, he never felt near to me. When I was going through Depression, deep into..sitting in my room with the door locked, lights off, blinds closed, in the dark, crying my eyes out, experiencing body pain that accompanied my emotional pain... I would plead to God. "Lord help me! Help ME! Get me out of this!" I was depressed for years, and then one day it just went away. I can say He was there for me then because I didn't die when I tried to kill myself, on more than one occasion. He stopped me from death.

Most recently, I'm not sure words could even explain. Being so far away from him (from my point of view), I was falling into a pit. Every thing in my life was just bad. I was falling from God, thus falling from his grace, protection, and favor, but I never fell out of His love for me. Little did I know, during this time of falling down, He was right there. My life had gotten so rotten that I said to myself, "God doesn't like me. Yes, he cares for me and about me, I know he loves me, but he must be mad at me the reason why I'm going through Hell on Earth right now." I convinced myself that I would just walk away from God because I was a huge disappointment. Not only that, but I was going to make the choice to leave God because, I didn't necessarily feel abandoned by God, but I felt, "why isn't he here? Why isn't he helping me?" I was reminded of all those times I would plead, beg, cry my eyes out, to God to help me, and I never heard a word. It didn't matter if I was reading the Bible every day., Praying every day, confessing every day, talking to him every day,..etc I just never heard a word from him. I was reminded that I would try, try, try, and try, and still nothing would happen. So many times I gave up trying because God wasn't there...But he really was.

At the point I decided that I will give up, there He is showing himself to me. Here on my blog I came across someone I was following and she had written about encouragement and had scriptures posted. I burst into tears. And just when I decided that I would no longer practice the Faith of Christianity, God sent a message to my sister to tell me, "You have the victory, trust and rely on me.. Come to me NOW!" Again, I burst into tears. God has been along with me right by my side, even when I didn't feel him near. Some ask, 'well, why would God do that to you?' God only allows hardships in our lives, for one: sometimes a lesson, or two: to bring us back to him. When we're doing the wrong thing, things not of Him, then yes, we are going to suffer some hardships because we are out of his will. He allows the hardships to get so bad, because he knows there is only ONE place and only ONE person that can help you, and that one thing is GOD. He allows that to happen because he's trying to get you to turn back to him, where you belong.

And even sometimes when you are going through bad things, God still blesses you. I recall having money in my back account that I have no clue where it came from. I checked, and no deposits were made, no refunds, no checks or payments owe to me. I went to bed one night with a certain figure in my back account, and woke up the next morning with an increase in that figure amount. The favor I have in situations, for example, yes I call it favor when Police let me go without issuing a ticket. Favor from God is such a blessing. Having things go your way, go so smoothly...Favor is awesome to have and it's all from God. I remember being in school, at the start of my last semester, taking three Psychology classes, I said I'm getting an 'A' in all three classes. I prayed about it and did my part. One professor found every single little thing wrong to not give me extra points, or a higher grade on an assignment, or anything she could do to put me down. But I kept my Faith with God and kept my will to pass..At the end, I got all As, even from that one professor who did not want to give me one. That was my goal and I reached it. He'll even use other people to bless you. He'll keep you safe. I can recall numerous times where I should have been in a accident, injured, or worse but God's protection surrounded me. Whether you are or aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing, God is always right there with you! God will help you with anything you ask, pray believe that you receive it, have faith, never give up, and you'll get it.

God has a purpose for me and he wants me to see what he has planned for my life. I want that too. I know God loves me, and I will never doubt him again. He knew the things I wanted, I was looking for those things from people. My life was miserable because of it. God is the only one who can truly give you your hearts' desires. He knew what I was looking for from those people, I could never find or receive from them. He has better plans for me.

He is with you every moment of every day. He won't leave you nor forsake you. He loves you and he cares about you. He has good thoughts about you and want to do great things for you in your life. When things are going rough, and getting tough, NEVER give up on God. For HE will NEVER give up on you!

Romans 5:8But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us

Romans 8:37-39   But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 9:10
 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God

1 Corinthians 13:6-7
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

How X Feels

Sex makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel bad
Sex makes me cry, but it also makes me smile

It feeds my longing, but it also starves my soul
It feeds my feelings, but it also deprives my emotions

When I engage in it, my heart becomes extremely heavy
When I engage in it, my mind becomes exceedingly weak

After it's over my being feels unreal
After it's over I feel unbecomingly

I incure emptiness and brokenness more deepened every time I use my body
I incure voidance and uncompleteness more vividly every time I use my body

Already shattered, sex fractures me
Already fragmented, sex damages me

Why do what causes so much pain? It's a learned experience
Why continue to do what results in affliction? It's a childhood disease grown

My ways are to submit to a man, it is what I am lettered to do
My ways are to accede to what a man wants from me, it is what I have been tutored to do

Sex is my reminded continued confirmation that molestation existed
Sex is my reminded ongoing substantiation that molestation is wrong in its nature

It steals my happiness, it clones bliss
It steals my peace of mind, it clones calmness...

Sex makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel bad
Sex makes me cry, but it also makes me smile
^This is how sex makes me feel, this can't be normal
^This is how sex makes me feel, I am sexually abnormal

It feeds my longing, but it also starves my soul
It feeds my feelings, but it also deprives my emotions
^The normalcy of the constant being of these sensations lives within me every day
^The normalcy of the functions experienced together, the sex and pain, arrives in me every time

When I engage in it, my heart becomes extremely heavy
When I engage in it, my mind becomes exceedingly weak
^The emotionally anguished affects of being abused is always present with my current encounters
^The sentimented distress affects of being assaulted is always occurring with my present encounters

Already shattered, sex fractures me
Already fragmented, sex damages me
^My past experience stole every thing away from me, my innocence was taken
^My past hurt and pain steals every bit of satisfaction from my current meetings, I think I'm trying to find my innocence....

Mi Papi

Words cannot describe this man
My speech is stunted in trying to describe the way he pleases me
His body is beautifully colored, in a heavenly light
The audio of his voice arouses my sexuality
Having a touch that tingles all the way down to my core
Bones chilling from him partaking in awakening my passion for him
Every time we come together there's a fire that burns between us
When our bodies touch the feeling is so staggering
I call him my Mexican (secret) lover
Thirty-eight years, so he knows how to take care of me and treat me like a woman
Being twenty-five so I know he can teach me more and more
Desires from him imagining bringing me into a lifestyle that has me shared, but he would never leave my side
I'm willing to go beyond for him...
Because each time, the passion, the heat, we give off to each other is unstoppable
Mi Dios! The way he hungers after me and feeds himself to satisfaction!
My god, taking him so perfectly, fitting utterly undeniably!
Not able to get enough of each other, the passion, the heat, mi papi gives it to me all!
My insides makes him relinquish so well onto me
Not able to have the cravings go away, me being his adorable chula, I supply to him what he craves for in all!
He's my caliente Mexican sexo!
And I'm his lindo negro mama!
Hope in his voice when demanding me to always give him what feels so good to him
Promise of yes, to e'er supply the demands of mi papi, my mexican fan

INTERLUDE

When he entered into my life, he turned it around
My life felt lifted from the ground
When he came into my life, he made me happy
My life became as light as it could be
He genuinely liked me and wanted me as a friend
But even the most passionate acquaintances may come to an end
I don't want us to get caught, I don't want us to get found out
However, I wont stop if he can keep us safe, if this all stays hush knowing for sure, without a doubt
Unsure where this is going, but sure enough to a road of where I will not be happy
He's not mine, but someone elses, he has his cake and eating too, leaves me to be a downsome me
Eager to pick up where we left off, where we couldn't get enough of each other,
Anxious, to resume our hot sessions, one right after another
We started so quickly, moving too fast
It had to come to abrupt halt, but the passion still lasts...