To Belong

We all have that friend who depends on you. We all have that friend that when everyone else fails that someone can come to you. We all have that friend that cares and loves you. We all have that friend that makes friendships purposeful to you. Where is that friend for me? When will I have that friend for me? Yes those of mine care and love me, but I feel as if I'm not really needed. Sometimes even at my worse moments, to those who claim to be with me, to them my cries go unheeded. I just want to belong. And this has been the issue all along. I'm no ones best friend. I'm thinking maybe some friendships I should suspend. This may seem elementary. But I'm not even good enough to be supplementary. Sometimes we do just have that one friend we can go to for every thing. And that one friend is there for you no matter what your problems may bring. Do I have such a friend? Well, yes I do have such a friend. I can run and tell her whatever is going on in my life. However, because of my issues I have a little strife. Not always what you tell someone requires feedback. However, I have an unhealthy need to have to always get something back. I always need something in return, I must get something back. If not, then I become upset and hurt, there is a lot my heart lacks. If I don't contact any of my friends, it's more than likely, I won't hear from them. Those people I don't mean to condemn. But there are reasons why my friendships makes me feel so grim. I'm not that person where my friends can come to me about any and every thing. I think it's because there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hurtful it is to not be that one person someone don't come to? I mean, I'm basically my only friend, from my point of view. None of my friends come to me, I'm no ones best friend. So how can it be that I have a best friend? I think this is the first time in my life, since a long time, where I feel lonely. I am no ones one and only. Maybe my issues has made it hard to trust. If so, then the problem of these friendships are unjust. I was thinking  could I really sacrifice all my friendships for the one that really counts. Because God is the only one who can make me feel like I belong, without any doubts.

 

 

I know that pretty much all of this sounds childish and immature. But if you can understand what it means to get your childhood and innocence ripped away from you, this is part of it. Every single fucking thing in my life, every issue, traces back to my sexual abuse. You would think at my age, I would have learned something, or gotten better. No. I'm facing years of therapy ahead because I am  still damaged and still broken in every way. Being abused took my sense of security, and it has took hell a lot more than that as well. I always feel like an outcast, like I never belong. What seems to look like healthy friendships on the outside, to others, well it's not for me. I have a constant cry of why me and/or why not me. Lately I have been thinking that I would just let go of everyone, because I'm not that needed. If I were, I think I would at least hear from those everyday...If I were, perhaps they would bring their problems and issues to me to talk about and get advice. And don't lie and say you do! It hurts to have to think about this, but I keep thinking about my reward. God has to meet me at the other end. If I let everyone go, I will have to trust God that he'll be there. Even now I am trying my hardest to try to find him because he is the only one who can cure me of this. And the most hurtful and disappointing thing about all of this, is that I don't even have a mutual shared religion with any of my friends! Of course, so why would I be that one!? It is extremely disheartening not being able to go to friends and talk about God with them. Not being able to lift them up or have them keep me on track with God's promises. I'm Christian, with no Christian friends!? No wonder I can never find God! It hurts...it just all hurts. i have nothing left to say....