Frantic Scramble

Screaming at the top of my lungs but no words come out
Feeling the anger within my heart but my madness is sound
Millions of thoughts running through my head but they're in doubt
Anxiousness flowing through my body all around
Just trying to find my way out of this box I'm in
Not fighting hard enough to end this chaos again
No one understands me and no one ever tries
It's like this happens over and over, my life dies and dies
Blown to pieces
Can't see what this life is
What is this
Greatness I've truly missed
My insides are scrambled and I don't know how to feel
Free flowing and undone nothing seems alive and real
Frantically hoping and wishing for my dreams to come true
Expecting them to fall into my lap, I don't have what it takes to follow through
Unable to push myself to be and do good and great
To build my self image is a huge undertake
So what do I do now, this is a gigantic ramble
This is my life, heart, and mind, all in a frantic scramble

Operate

I'm down and want to cry
I'm hopeless and but not yet ready to die
I'm tired and just want a new life
I'm filled with hurt and strife
I just want to break down and cry
To be on my bed in tears to lie
Waiting on a change to happen in my life
Someone dissect this pain out of my heart with a knife

Help Me Out

Trying to hold back the tears while sitting in the car
Its the circumstances that has us apart
Filled with shyness I don't know what to say
I just know that I want you from day to day
Satisfy our friendship by talking to me and feed me
Don't leave me alone and don't leave me empty
You are the only one that wish for
Unfortunately, I can't make my way through this closed door
Make a way where you give me enough
Ease my emotions, spend time with me and don't make this rough

Night & Day

If I could be there to ease the tension of your day that was rough, I'd relax you where you wouldn't be able to get enough

Have a good night's rest
and
fall asleep imagining my sweet caress.

Forget about the day and
look forward to the rising of the sun as a start of a new and beautiful day.

Awake and see the the rising of the sun
A newness has risen and the day has just begun
Take the day step by step and don't forget to breathe
Show kindness and give mercy, present a different side of you no one would believe
Let the wind of the air to motivate you to feel good
Allow the heat of the sun to move you like never before you could
Enjoy the day and just have fun
And remember there's someone crazy about you hon

What Men Do to Her

She's a sex object, no one cares about her heart
Just there for sex, they never wanted anything else from the start
She's a sex object, no one cares what's on her mind
Just there for sex, they try to get in her from behind

She gets used and played, all they do is pretend and lie
Unfortunately for her, when she finds this out, she always cry
She gets played and used, they never want friendship
Unfortunately for her, they fooled her into believing there could be a relationship

She's sex toyed
Just to try and converse, they always get annoyed
She's a play piece
As soon as she say no to sex, their appearances begin to decrease

***************************************************************

I hate that I'm not worth much to them
I hate that I'm just sex to him
I hate that I'm always cast out
I hate that when I say no they reroute
I hate the fact that my heart gets played
But I should know better from the jump anyway
I hate the fact that they lie to me and pretend to be sweet
Pretending being friends knowing what they say, they won't keep
I hate the fact that this feels like my abuse all over again
I hate the way I feel when I realize all they wanted was sex, again
I hate that I'm so stupid hoping that the next one would be real
I hate that when I say no to sex, that with me, they wont even deal

***************************************************************

Why am I always seen as a sex object?
Is that what I project?
I've been locked down for years now but that don't phase them
He just have this craze for me to have sex with him
Why does this always happen to me?
Why can't a guy just want me, for me?
I'm tired of being dragged along with the "we will be friends"
But that's not true because when I try to talk to them its always a dead end
That's the excuse they always put out there
Pretending to be friends but inside their intentions they don't care
I'm tired of this and I just want to go back...
To the days when things we good when sex was on the storage rack
I see a guy that I like and it starts off cool
But after a while, eventually his penis begins to rule
Im just tired of being and getting hurt like this...
Having to say no to sex then I get dismissed
When will it ever stop, when will it ever end
To meet a guy, no sex, and where the friendship is genuine

I'm Battling

The heart wants what the heart wants
But my body is aching to have him
Tears flow down my face because I can't give into my flesh
I choose to honor God with my body, to give it to him, for in his cleanness I am dressed
But oh how he knows that I'm fighting within myself to not go against him
So I hope and pray that He sees my commitment to him and is pleased
And I ask God to give me rest and if I am rejected, to release and heal
the pain in my heart with ease
This brings me to tears because I want this man in every way
And at the same time I'm battling because my job is to please God from day to day
In the back of my mind I think to myself he isn't interested anyway
There's something about actions that gives the silence away
I just want to say fuck it and let's just get married just so when can have sex
That's a bit crazy and extreme but I want it from him only, there's no one that's close to next
So how long will this battle continue, that I don't know
But this situation will have to reveal its end, but to him I wouldn't want to let him go
I'm so torn and afflicted but I don't want him to say no because of what this is doing to me
I don't want him to say no because of what I'm going through, like he wants to make things easy
The battle will be over and all this will be over and done
Whatever happens either way, I just hope that my heart for him is won

Spell it Out

Make me to know you. Make me to fall in love with you.
Invite me into your world. Invite me to be your girl.
Give me your heart. Give me your every part.
Utilize the feelings inside me. Utilize my eagerness to give you anything
Explain to me what's on your mind. Explain to me what's on your heart every time
Let go and just take me. Let go and receive me

Maybe I'll step back
Ignore what's going on and don't react
Give up on a chase
Urgently running after you isn't my place
Eventually something is going to give
Look into me, with you is where I want to live

Massage my body from top to bottom
Ignite the passions I have for Yeoman
Guide me on what I can do to you
Usher in a sensual setting but what's to happen, don't misconstrue
Ease me into your trap, if you'll do it right I won't be awake to tap
Lovers is what we could be, but first we'll have to be each other's completely

Magnolias are white and
Iris' are pink, a Mexican man and a black woman together is a bit distinct
Grass is green and the
Universe is wide, I'll promise you, one day I'll let you inside
Earth is round and the
Lakes are blue, I'll spelled out your name in poetry, for a chance to be with you

What Are My Chances

I would rather have him than any other guy,
these feelings I have had I can no longer deny.
But could I take this risk to have him,
sadly I think my chances are slim.
Is he willing to at least give it a try,
my heart would hate to have to say goodbye.
Yes my body calls for him but I'm a locked up jewel,
to withhold it from him might seem cruel.
It's not that I'm purposely not giving it to him,
it's not that I'm intentionally keeping it away from him.
I don't expect him to understand,
but being celibate is what I've planned.
I would love to have him like I had before,
but unfortunately that's a closed door.
How interested is he in me,
is the sex the main thing for him to have me.
What are my chances when it comes to a situation like this,
would he have a relationship with me or will I be dismissed.
I have to ask myself if I'm really being fair to him,
I would hate it if he thought I'm being grim.
I want to get to a place with him where I can eventually say 'i love you',
that's how strong I want this but my chances might not go through.
Does he know that he has lit a spark in me,
I'm on fire for him and I have been since the beginning
So what are my chances and put my heart to rest,
I just have to let all this out, it's not good to suppress.

What He has Done for Me

My Savior has done this.

For you have loved me with an everlasting love
For you have drawn me with your loving kindness
You have cleansed me with your grace and mercy
For you have clothed me with your righteousness

Blood was shed to save me from your wrath
Holes was drilled to save me from death
Being hung high so I wouldn't have to be without
Underneath for days so my sins can be buried

Raised to new life so I can live
Seated in majesty watching over me
Reconciled me to the Father so I can commune with him
Praying on my behalf, interceeding for me

For you have loved me with an everlasting love
Your thoughts and heart is consumed with loving me
For you have drawn me with your living kindness
It is your very nature to take care of me
You have cleansed me with your grace and mercy
Leaving and guiding me so I will never be alone
For you have clothed me with your righteousness

My Lord. My God. My King.

What He has Done for Me

My Savior has done this.

For you have loved me with an everlasting love
For you have drawn me with your loving kindness
You have cleansed me with your grace and mercy
For you have clothed me with your righteousness

Blood was shed to save me from your wrath
Holes was drilled to save me from death
Being hung high so I wouldn't have to be without
Underneath for days so my sins can be buried

Raised to new life so I can live
Seated in majesty watching over me
Reconciled me to the Father so I can commune with him
Praying on my behalf, interceeding for me

For you have loved me with an everlasting love
Your thoughts and heart is consumed with loving me
For you have drawn me with your living kindness
It is your very nature to take care of me
You have cleansed me with your grace and mercy
Leaving and guiding me so I will never be alone
For you have clothed me with your righteousness

My Lord. My God. My King.

What's Burning within Me

I can't get you off my mind.
When I go to sleep at night and put my head on my pillow, all I see is your face.
When I awake in the morning, you are a close second on my mind.
When I go out and enjoy a night life on the town, I wish to myself, how I wish you were on my arm.
When I lay myself down at night, I imagine you holding me underneath sheets.

I picture us holding hands and making plans
Fantasizing your lips kissing mine
I picture us being together, me as your girl, and you as my man
Fantasizing your lips kissing mine

I can't get you off my mind
Thinking of your touch, all I want is to cuddle with you
When I dwell on the thought of you, I envision your soft body holding me
When I remember back to the first time I saw you, I knew immediately we were going to be explosive
When I see your name, my body lights up inside me with suspense and joy
When I see your talent, there's a longing in me to get to know you

***************************************************************

My heart beats fast for you
What are you going to do with it
My mind races crazy about you
What will you do to make it quit
My body is screaming out to be held by your arms
My life is in detour waiting to get swept away with your charm
I know there's a passion that can't be quenched
But there's a part of me that can't be relinquished
To be able to control myself with you.. this is more then sex
To be intimate with you is much deeper, but I know this is complex

A Love Song to the Lord

I love you Lord, for you have set me free

I love you Lord, for you give me victory

I love you Lord, for you always love me

I love you Lord, for you give me all good things unconditionally

I love you Lord, for you have healed my heart

I love you Lord, for you are always with me, we'll never be apart

I love you Lord, for you have renewed my mind

I love you Lord, for I am yours and you are mine

I love you Lord, for you have filled my heart

I love you Lord, for you loved me from before the start

I Love you Lord, for you, yes, you are my rock

I love you Lord, for your love, mercy, and grace, for me never stops

I Love you Lord, for you make the sun shine from above

I love you Lord, for you rain down your heart of love

I love you Lord, for you have restored my soul

I love you Lord, for I will serve you until I am gray and old

I love you Lord, for you give me joy and peace

I love you Lord, for only with you do I wish to spend eternity

Church Hurt

This is the story of my “church hurt”, but I don’t even know where to begin. However, I will say my church hurt isn’t that same “church hurt folk” as you hear mostly about; I haven’t questioned God’s existence, or no longer believe He’s the only one true God… (Often you hear church hurt people renounce God and turn from him. This isn’t me). Even though I am church hurt, everything is still my fault. The blame is on me. I caused it.

I guess I begin with the past. Every single church I have been to, when I reached out to the leaders, (pastors, pastor’ wives, clergy, other gifted members, whomever), I have always been let down. Yes, my issues are from Sexual Abuse in Childhood, as a result, a strained relationship with God. I’ve been looking for help on how to deal with it, help to get over it, to fix my relationship with God (more than anything), and anything and everything to get me better. And everyone has failed me one way or another. Failed by either starting off helping me, then forgetting about me, or just straight away ditching me off to someone else, (who couldn’t relate), and whatever else.

Last year, I went to the current pastor of the church I attend now. I went trusting and seeking help, believing that he was able to help me. (Even to this day I still know and believe he’s able to help). I’ve never came right out and told anyone in the church about my abuse. (Even as I stated earlier, I sought help, I never mentioned to them the abuse. Something would happen, causing the ending of me being counseled, before I even got to that part). So I told my current pastor and how much hurt and pain I was in. I remember what he said to me toward the end of our first meeting; he said, “I’m glad you trusted me to come to me with this. I promise; we’re going to get you better”.  So I continued to go a couple more times after that. Until one week I didn’t have to go into the shop to work (where his counseling office is also located), so said he’d call and set something up. He called and said “on Saturday, I will call you and we can meet up somewhere”, I relied ok. Saturday came, and Saturday went, NO PHONE CALL. I was disappointed and a little let down, yeah I was saddened. Then eventually we met up again in his office, on a Tuesday, and at the end he set up our next appointment, he said ‘can you come next week, same time?’ I said yeah. He said ok great, see you next week. The very next day, at Bible Study Class, on Wednesday, he confirmed our appointment for next Tuesday, he asked if everything is good, I said yeah. Sunday came. Again, he confirmed the appointment again and said we’re still meeting up Tuesday, I said yes, everything is good. Tuesday comes, its appointment time, and I’m there. He isn’t. I wait for almost an hour for him to show up, until I finally text. I text something on the lines of “hey we’re meeting up today”? He responds on the lines of “no not this week”. And I just blew up within myself. I was livid and extremely hurt. And foolishly with my anger, after my hurt and anger smothered me for a while, I later retaliated. I sent a very distasteful message to a member of my church talking about how she and the pastor both went back on their words to “help me” (more about her later). Hours after sending the message, I called the pastor to tell him I wasn’t coming to church that coming Sunday. Then he went off. Yes, he started to yell at me. He accused me of saying that I called him and the other member “lairs”. I never said that, I said that they both went back on their words. (If I ever mention the word “lie”, in any form, I would have said I was lied to. To be a “lair” shows a pattern of lying, that wasn’t the case here. They just went back on their words. I don’t see that as someone being a “lair’. That’s not a pattern). As he proceed yelling, he questioned me asking, ‘what more do you want from me? “What more do you want me to do for you?’’ “I paid your phone bills. I gave you a job. What more can I do”? I didn’t have a chance to respond as he continued to yell saying to me that I will go to hell because I was blaspheming against God because of my emotions and saying I feel like God doesn’t love or care about me”.  I would have answered, (not having the chance to get any words in), I would have told him, ‘I never asked for you to pay my phone bills, and I never asked for that job. Though I was appreciative, and grateful and thankful for you to do those things, I wanted, more than anything, for you to do what you promised!!! That’s all I ever wanted’. That’s why I went to him. For help, not for things! But he twisted that and made me look like I was a gold-digging, ungrateful, greedy person. He promised, “We’re going to get you better”. I was going; but I kept getting stood up, well twice! Or forgotten about, call it what you want. But the next day, I called and called the church member to apologize, she wouldn’t answer, so I sent her a message apologizing, she didn’t respond. And that’s ok. I called the pastor and I apologized to him.

What happened next, well; I was still hurt. I forgave them to God, and within myself, but that hurt and pain was still there. I never got an apology for being stood up twice/forgotten about. It’s like if you and I are carrying a bookcase. I drop it on your toe and it hurts you like crazy. I say “I’m sorry” and you forgive me. But is the pain still there? Yes But did you forgive me? Yes. Same here. Except I didn’t get an apology, but I forgave them, but it still hurts. I was let down. I needed help. Guess what? I still need help! And so since then, attending that church is hard for me. It’s hard because I see the people that said they were going to help me, I see them; able to hear from God, able to feel God’s presence, and have a relationship with him, I try but can’t. It bothers me going to church sometimes, because I know I was forgotten. If it wasn’t for someone saying to me “I feel God is saying STAY”, I would have left. Shortly after that person told me that, I was offered to teach and I accepted, so that person was right. But I still feel, sometimes, that I’m trapped and stuck staying here, well, sometimes, it doesn’t feel comfortable anymore since that happened, and because that happened. But I stay because God said so and because I was fortunate enough to be able to teach.

I’m doing the best I can with what I know. Someone mention to me that it’s possible that demons have made their home in me through the open doors of sexual abuse and my sins. That generational cures and demonic spirits are on me because of the abuse and my sins, so now they have a legal right. So I read a book on how to cast them out. And every time I’m working to get myself delivered, casting out the demons, they don’t obey the Name of Jesus or the Blood of Jesus, because they go and cause havoc on my family. I know I’m not strong enough, and the demons know it too. Every time I stand up against them, my sister gets into 3 car accidents in 1 month. My other sister gets rushed to the ER every night from work. My sister-in-law tries to commit suicide in front of her entire family. My brother, whenever a situation happens, gets closer to renouncing his faith that he’s has already stepped away from. Health issues try to come on my mother.  So it’s either try and free myself through prayer and the demons harm my family, or keep my family safe. And my pastor always says that he has a “deliverance ministry” but went back on his word on helping me (forgot about me) so now I’m stuck in letting my family possibly die, or me being free. That’s why I needed his help, for deliverance. There are some other things I needed to confess, addictions, to get healing from and to break free from, but now I can't talk to anyone.

But later I found out why that Tuesday (which he set up and confirmed twice), why he didn’t show up. I found out he was in the hospital because another church member daughter was there. And that’s when I realized that other people’s life is more valuable than mine; that other people’s life is more important than mine. God could have easily told the pastor, then or later, ‘call Cynthia, you told her you were going to meet her today’. God could have reminded the pastor that he was supposed meet to me. But God needed the pastor at the hospital and God needed me to feel that hurt, betrayed, and neglected all over again, for some reason. God even knew that her life was more important than mine; she was passing away. And I’m just a victim of sexual abuse. That’s a no brainer. Even when attending church faithfully, every Sunday and Wednesday; someone else can show up once a year and she can feel his presence and get laid out, basking in God’s presence, then disappear again but God won’t allow me to feel his presence. Someone else who doesn’t go to church, (that other church member daughter) can fast and pray for one day and the very next day it’s like God opened the heavens for her and she gets a blessing, something she’s been wanting. I can have a regular lifestyle of fasting, and even do a total fast for a full 21 days, and I get absolutely nothing! I never thought this before, but I started to think that it pays to look the way I do. Everyone I mentioned is beautiful, and light-skinned. I’m dark and ugly. I never thought that would be the case, I was always comfortable in my skin, but look at the evidence.

And as far as “that other church member”; yeah she said she would help me, pull me out because she went though things to pull others out. Saying I’ll pray WITH you, come over and we will talk. She told me her story, kind of rushed through it, and I really didn’t get a chance to ask questions and talk about my experience because a client came in, and that was it. Yeah she prayed with me at church sometimes. I guess my expectations were different. I heard a testimony from a visitor at church how (yet ANOTHER church member), held her hand for 3 years, helping her get rooted and grounded in God. And that’s what I always needed, but I’m not worth much to anyone to hold my hand like that. I’m sure she was busy, had a family, and other things, but she stood by that lady’s side for 3 years. (I’m not trying to have everyone else do the work (for me); I’m doing what I can. I’m trying to cast out and bind demons, using the word/Jesus name, but nothing happens. I know I can’t just sit and do nothing, that’s not what I’m doing). Even just recently, at church, that church member I was talking about before, the one that said she’ll  help me, she was stating to another young person in class how she would call or text her everyday to help her through. (That's when I had to get up and leave.) And she’s thin and light skinned too, no wonder. I didn’t get any support like that. Only when I didn’t show up for service I would get a message, and that wasn’t even every time. Doesn't everyone need just that ONE SOMEBODY!? God doesn't bring that "one" someone into people's lives? Not for me? Because others have it. I have no one. This is not fair to me! I know I've done wrong in my life, I repented, I put down the addictions, why do I still desereve to be left out (and alone)? To have no one?
-(And on another note. At least 5-6 times when bible class was, last year, I guess cancelled, did i get a phone call or something telling me? No. Ask my friend rachel because she was there too. Everyone else knew not to show up but us. Why? I figured at least they would tell someone because Rachel was with me but no. I guess we were just "whatever" to them. She having ro rush to do her son's homework with him, and rush to eat dinner, rush to come to church to be on time, just to find out, when we get there, and wait 30 mintues, no one is coming. Im talking about 5-6 times. And after that message I sent, I mentioned this, and guess what, I started to get notified when there wasn't church. And that has been consistent since then. I just don't get it.)

Now I have to try to find my worth in God; the one who allowed the abuse to happen. I have to try and trust in God; the one who, when I cried out for YEARS didn’t answer; the one who, when I was living, and living the lifestyle of James 4:8 and Jeremiah 29:13, and NOTHING happened. I’m not mad at God, I’m mad at myself. I wasted my entire life trusting man; when the Bible says don’t put your trust in men. I trusted every church member I went to in my life, to help me, to at least counsel me, and I was never supposed to do that. I was the one that trusted people could help me. I was the one disobedient to the Bible by trusting man. Now I’ve learned my lesson; you can’t trust anyone. Even if they say “God said”, even if they seem to have qualifications, don’t trust man. I have to try and trust God; the one who doesn’t see fit for me to feel his presence; the one who I can’t hear when I desperately need answers. I try my best to worship and praise “Him”, but it my hurt and pain is too much. I try to sing, but I don’t even think singing one song, for 1 minute is enough for God. What I do isn’t enough for him, and my heart can’t do more. I’m just trying to do the best I can, praying, casting out demons, reading but the it’s just words on paper to me, it doesn’t come alive, for me, like people say it is.

Now my only hope is baptism. For all of this to go away; to finally be healed and ok. To finally feel God’s presence and hear his voice. To finally be close to him and have a relationship with him. To finally be changed and have a change in every area in and of my life. I know this post and everything in it sounds foolish and childish, and immature, but it’s my life and it’s what I’m going through. I wish I didn’t feel this way or have this kind of life but I do. I want it to be over and end. I know my heart is messed up, filled with hurt and pain, and bitterness, (and it oozes out of me and comes out as if I’m a bad person and have an attitude), that’s why I sought help. I’m up then down, down then up, and back up and down again. I can’t stop myself from being double-mined. I pray in tongues but the emptiness in my heart that I “experience”, and not just “feel” is unbearable. It’s like if you work out, you experience and literally feel in your heart the stress (of your heart) of working out. Same with heart-burn, it’s not just a feeling, it’s not an emotional feeling, it’s something going on inside of your heart and you experience/feel it in your heart, not in an emotional way. That’s the same with the emptiness in my heart. I literally feel it, experience the emptiness in a tangible way and it gets extremely worse whenever I pray in tongues. That’s why I don’t do it often. And that saddens me beyond able to control or deal with. Knowing I’m trying my best for the spirit to do something, but only emptiness is present. I feel defeated when I pray not empowered. The demons know I have no power or authority because they don’t go where I send them, even in Jesus name, to hell, or when I bind. They mess with my family; even when I do lose the protection of God.

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want my family to continue to get hurt because I’m trying to clean my “house” of these demons. I don’t know how to approach this anymore. Someone would say “well ask God what to do and how to do it”. Well I do go to God. I do ask God those questions. That doesn’t mean I can answers. I don’t and haven’t. I don’t know what God wants from me. I don’t know what God wants me to do. I don’t know what God will have me to do. I try to go out and volunteer but those doors always get closed in my face. I try to minister to people in passing but I never hear God say “this one”, even when I ask Him. And besides, no one wants to stop and listen to someone who looks like me.

I’m lost and the end is here. I’m extremely upset with myself because all these years past and I could never get over what happened to me. Because everything in my life (that happened and hasn’t happened), is a result from my childhood abuse. I repent for getting molested, I repent for everything. I forgave everyone, but no change has happened. It terrifies me that the end is so close and I haven’t fulfilled God’s will and purpose for my life. And I’m scared that I’m going to miss it, and that I have already missed it. I can’t get back 20 years and that pain is unbearable.

 (I'm not mad or upset at/or with anyone. I just tired of the hurt. I guess right now, I'm just numb). Abuse has a snowball effect, I just wanted help. I just want God, Ive been trying to gain him, but it's alomst like I'm being pushed away)

I’m not just church hurt. I’m just hurt.

My Life is Scary

The scary thing about me is reading my blog The ups and down, ups and downs, and Im still in a clog As i look back i see how hurt and damaged I am The pains goes, the pain comes, back-n-forth, and its just all my life Ive been in a jam To see my mind go from strong to weak, to strong to weak, now im broken again Im so messed up, but why, its just pain going out and in again I am so lost and i feel like my mind is gone I just want all of this to end and to no longer go on Its scary because some things I have said seem to be I put a curse on myself because what I have said And it would have been my very own fault if I ever had ended up dead Even though I was just expressing how I felt I had to let go of those things, to talk it out, even though it was heartfelt My mind is jut so completly numb I look back over my life and I dont like what I've become My mind is just ruined and weak No matter what I do or try, my furtue still looks bleak And it's scary because I dont want my life to end, like its always been; Dark, empty, and painfull is what I've always been in And I try my best to have sucess But i always go to the one who knows best I cant hear him, so im still afraid My mind is smushed and Ive been dealing with this for over a decade Im just so empty inside, its like i have no feelings I feel like my insides are just,..im empty and nothing happens when im in a position of kneeling Im just gone and Im just done, I NEED GOD TO REVIVE ME IM DEAD INSIDE, i have no feeling, im empty and im scared..all of this is scary It's easy for other people to say "oh just snap out of it" But it's just not that easy, its a lifetime of this, i tried to fight it, but it wont quit His lies are so loud and so continuos that I cant keep up I cant drown them out no matter what I say, I try but I cant get them to shut How long do i still have to fight and continue to get beat up No matter what I do Im always in this rut So my life is scary because im just so undone inside To God i tell all of this and i just continue to cry

A Poem Letter to God

Dear God, I feel that my cries and voice goes unheard
I know you can hear me, but I feel like all my trying is being put out to the curb
Father, I don't know what else I can do to get out of this
So please make haste to help me, because your will for me I don't want to miss
Please Father God I'm so tired of being lost and confused...
God, I'm tired of the dark painful days and all of the abuse
I act out to get help and attention, but everyone over looks it
I cry out to you, but it seems though, to no benefit
So please God help me, I have nowhere else to turn
Please get me out of this, heal and save me because I don't want to burn
What do you want me to do, I'm desperate for anything
Eager to be changed, I do what you will if it's freedom and your joy it'll bring
Please don't cast me out, count me down, or be upset with me
God please, I just need your help, to save and strengthen me for victory
I'm so frustrated, I have so much to say, yet no words at all because I'm in spiritual decay
So Father God, I'm calling out to you again, please answer my cry
Help me and save my soul, free me and fill my life before I die

Crying Out to God

God, I feel like I'm trapped inside of a box with no way out I turn to the right, to the left, try to go forward and; backward, but I can never break out

I'm so stuck in my mind and ways, I need you to change my heart
I'm trapped inside of this mess and I need you to give me a brand new start

Father God, I'm so sorry that I'm failing you and that my heart is so weak
I'm sorry I'm not growing and that all of what I see for me is bleak...

I'm ashamed now of how I turned out, I never thought my life would be like this
I always thought I'd be the person you wanted, living in holy spiritual bliss

I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night
I just want to be happy, I just want to be alright

None of this even seems real to me, it feels so surreal
I'm out of touch with heaven's reality, I'm not even sure anymore of how I feel

I'm so numb, I don't even recognize why I hurt anymore
I'm so numb, I don't even recognize what I'm in anymore

Please God, please save me and rescue me
Please make haste to help me, so I can feel and see your glory

20 years of chaos and pain - 20 years of tears and no gain
Time is up, but before you come, please give me joy again
Time is running out, but before eternity is here, please return hope unto me again