My Life is Scary

The scary thing about me is reading my blog The ups and down, ups and downs, and Im still in a clog As i look back i see how hurt and damaged I am The pains goes, the pain comes, back-n-forth, and its just all my life Ive been in a jam To see my mind go from strong to weak, to strong to weak, now im broken again Im so messed up, but why, its just pain going out and in again I am so lost and i feel like my mind is gone I just want all of this to end and to no longer go on Its scary because some things I have said seem to be I put a curse on myself because what I have said And it would have been my very own fault if I ever had ended up dead Even though I was just expressing how I felt I had to let go of those things, to talk it out, even though it was heartfelt My mind is jut so completly numb I look back over my life and I dont like what I've become My mind is just ruined and weak No matter what I do or try, my furtue still looks bleak And it's scary because I dont want my life to end, like its always been; Dark, empty, and painfull is what I've always been in And I try my best to have sucess But i always go to the one who knows best I cant hear him, so im still afraid My mind is smushed and Ive been dealing with this for over a decade Im just so empty inside, its like i have no feelings I feel like my insides are just,..im empty and nothing happens when im in a position of kneeling Im just gone and Im just done, I NEED GOD TO REVIVE ME IM DEAD INSIDE, i have no feeling, im empty and im scared..all of this is scary It's easy for other people to say "oh just snap out of it" But it's just not that easy, its a lifetime of this, i tried to fight it, but it wont quit His lies are so loud and so continuos that I cant keep up I cant drown them out no matter what I say, I try but I cant get them to shut How long do i still have to fight and continue to get beat up No matter what I do Im always in this rut So my life is scary because im just so undone inside To God i tell all of this and i just continue to cry

A Poem Letter to God

Dear God, I feel that my cries and voice goes unheard
I know you can hear me, but I feel like all my trying is being put out to the curb
Father, I don't know what else I can do to get out of this
So please make haste to help me, because your will for me I don't want to miss
Please Father God I'm so tired of being lost and confused...
God, I'm tired of the dark painful days and all of the abuse
I act out to get help and attention, but everyone over looks it
I cry out to you, but it seems though, to no benefit
So please God help me, I have nowhere else to turn
Please get me out of this, heal and save me because I don't want to burn
What do you want me to do, I'm desperate for anything
Eager to be changed, I do what you will if it's freedom and your joy it'll bring
Please don't cast me out, count me down, or be upset with me
God please, I just need your help, to save and strengthen me for victory
I'm so frustrated, I have so much to say, yet no words at all because I'm in spiritual decay
So Father God, I'm calling out to you again, please answer my cry
Help me and save my soul, free me and fill my life before I die

Crying Out to God

God, I feel like I'm trapped inside of a box with no way out I turn to the right, to the left, try to go forward and; backward, but I can never break out

I'm so stuck in my mind and ways, I need you to change my heart
I'm trapped inside of this mess and I need you to give me a brand new start

Father God, I'm so sorry that I'm failing you and that my heart is so weak
I'm sorry I'm not growing and that all of what I see for me is bleak...

I'm ashamed now of how I turned out, I never thought my life would be like this
I always thought I'd be the person you wanted, living in holy spiritual bliss

I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep at night
I just want to be happy, I just want to be alright

None of this even seems real to me, it feels so surreal
I'm out of touch with heaven's reality, I'm not even sure anymore of how I feel

I'm so numb, I don't even recognize why I hurt anymore
I'm so numb, I don't even recognize what I'm in anymore

Please God, please save me and rescue me
Please make haste to help me, so I can feel and see your glory

20 years of chaos and pain - 20 years of tears and no gain
Time is up, but before you come, please give me joy again
Time is running out, but before eternity is here, please return hope unto me again

Pain Again

So here it goes again, feeling the pain
When will this hurt amend, I thought I had good things to gain
So here it goes again, emeshed with this emotional ail,
Once again my anedote has failed

Serenity

You wiped my tears away every time I cried

When I was in darkness your light, to me, you supplied

You picked me up every time I fell down

Taking my fallen position and turning it around

Having doubt, unbelief, and fear; you caused me to trust you

Giving me help, peace, and comfort; you gave me a reason to continue

When I cried out to you at night in my bed; you came down to hold me

Providing compassion and sweet sound heavenly sleep; you held me until the morning

Washing away every unfruitful and evil being that's inside my heart; cleaning me up

Downloading whats good and pure into my heart; leaving no room for darkness to interrupt

Thank you for all you have done for me, and thank thanking you for what's to come

I know where my help, strength, and joy comes from

His Glory Changed Me

I know most of everything I've posted on here is depressing, some sexually explicit things, I come off as childish, confused, hopeless, and a lot of other negative things; (but let's not forget about the good things). But one thing I failed to do was to talk about how I changed.

God have been working on me; from sending people to help me, or Him showing me himself. I can say that I am A LOT better from where I used to be. I lived with Depression for almost 20 years. My days were filled with darkness; my nights were filled with gloom. I would cry all the time, attempted suicide (multiple times); I couldn't sleep, always feeling alone, sad… Every day my life was like this and worse for years. But every day I would cry out to God, “why me? Why is this happening to me? Why did this have to happen to me? HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!” That is mostly what I cried out to God, me asking, pleading, and begging for his help; to get me out of the hell, hurt, pain, anguish that I was stuck in. It started when I was 7, and I’ll be 27 this November. Almost 20 years I’ve live with this. When I was in my early 20s, is when my depression became situational; being depressed because I had no job, or because I gained weight, etc.

Every now and then, I feel a little sadness; because everyone around me has someone, while I have no one. The people I want to tell my story to isn’t interested, and the people I wouldn’t want to tell my story to wants to know. Yes, I talk to God, but I’m still waiting to hear from Him. I want and need to hear him for myself. And this is a topic I don’t like to talk about because it saddens me. I want that relationship with God; but I can’t deny or ignore what he has brought me out of.

I’m not that much of a damaged person that I used to be. And I only say “not that much” instead of  not at all, because I can tell there still is a tad bit of residue left. However, I also can tell that God is working on me with washing what’s left, away! I’m not that sexually explicit woman anymore, wanting bdsm. My attitude is better, I’m looking up more, I am truly changing, and I have God to credit for that. I’m just in a better place because of God, because he loves me; he had mercy on me and gave me grace. I am different from some of the other things I posted on here, even with still having a little dusting left to work on, because God is changing me. It’s a continuous process.

So I’m sorry if I don’t talk about God a lot on here like I do everything else. That doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful or unappreciative. Sometimes you just can’t put His Glory in to words…you just see it, and live it.

 

All I Want...

I have this deep deep longing to share my story with someone special. And I mean that "special someone".  I yearn to tell him all my hurts, pains, depressions, weaknesses, and short falls. Why will I want to share such awful news with the love of my life? Because I need, want, someone to be interested in what happened to me; For someone to care about my past and would want to know all about me, past, present, and future. I just noticed that I have yet to know someone that has been through something even remotely similar to what I've been through. Yes, I know everyone has a different story, but I have no one to relate to regrading what happened to me and the effects. So I long to tell that special someone.

This burning hankering to talk to someone is so deep. I have no one to talk to. Yes, I talk to God; however so far, "it hasn't came yet", (me being able to hear from Him). So even though he hears me, I hear nothing in return, I'm still waiting. In the meantime, I'm longing for someone.

I just want someone to like me
I just want someone to be interested in me
I just want someone to want to be with me
I just want someone who wants to know all about me
I want someone to ask me questions
I want someone to elaborate on the answers he gives me (instead of one-worded answers like guys usually do)
I want someone to call me
I want someone to text me
I want someone to write me a letter
I want someone to want to want me
I want to wake up in the morning and see a text from him
I want to get an unexpected phone call or text from that guy
I want someone to care about me
I want someone that will love me


Still aching for someone to talk to. And honestly, I have never never, ever had a real, true relationship with a guy, never ever. I have never ever had a boyfriend, or been someones girlfriend, never ever! Ever. No one to spill out everything I have inside. As far as a guy right now to share with what's inside of me, nothing!

All I want is that special guy to tell him what's been in my heart for years...two decades of release I need. That's just All I Want...