Last Effort

There just aren’t enough words i can use to describe how im feeling and what this situation has done to me

But what I can say is that I was quiet surprise you agreed to have me send you something

I hate that I said it was a “goodbye piece” because that’s not what I want to say

I’ve already said it many times before and have yet to have it happen so it doesn’t matter anyway

When this month of March came I said uh oh, Im going to have to mourn it all the way through

Why? Because last March is when I first made out with you

When I kept asking you about why you did what you did, you asked me why I kept bringing up the past

The reason being is because the past is the only place where you and I exist, and to relive it is not too much to ask

Let’s take it to the bottom line and that is Im just so tired of talking about how my feelings have been hurt, how you broke my heart, and this and that

I know Im the only one talking about it though but you were the cause of my heart becoming flat

Im tired of thinking about you, crying at times, and im just tired of having you matter to me

I know Im the only one living like this and I want to keep fighting through this simply because I want you to see me differently

I need to understand that you got what you wanted and now you’re so done

So to live with always questioning in mind why this had to be, Im the only one

From the beginning, when I first started to like you, we both had a different mission

We each were aiming at something different; we each had our own volition

I don’t know how you feel about the choices you made while knowing me

I know Ive always made it clear to you how I felt, but you never cared to know what my feelings may be

The frustration that goes through my mind sometimes is just so overwhelming

What happened between us makes me feel defeated and that’s a wretchful thing

And I make it sound as if we were together, which we never were; you weren’t going to have that happen

Everything unraveled here and just turned in to a huge misshapen

I also wanted to know at what times you didn’t and did care

You would never tell me and I thought that was unfair

You told me that I knew, that I always knew the answers to the questions I asked you

Maybe I did and what I thought, I hoped to have been untrue

The night when you came over and bought me that cd, we hanged out in my kitchen and enjoyed each other’s company; did that night mean nothing to you?

The night when we were together fogging the windows up in your truck; did that night mean nothing to you?

Those times when I came to hang out with you while you were at work, again enjoying each other’s company, did those times mean nothing to you?

The day you came over to bring me those books from school, we sat on my porch and talked, did that day mean nothing to you?

Well all those times to me meant being around someone I was happy to be friends with; I like to think those were the times where you actually did care

And for you to give me some answers, HA! To you I would really really dare!

When will I ever finally, completely end what I have and still feel for you?

When I spend more time with God than spending time thinking about you

I sat you up on a high, high pedestal; I worshipped you at your feet

I put aside my wants and needs and made it all about you, which made it so easy for you, to me, to mistreat

You know all along I just wanted you to acknowledge your part in this

But I know you just always wanted for all of this to be dismissed

I failed to accept what it means to be used

I should have stopped; I could have stopped myself from being used

When a guy uses a girl he gets what he wants and that’s it!

Im so mad at myself because I didn’t want the end result to be what it was and that makes me sick!

When a guy uses girl its what that hell with her feelings, what the hell with what she wants, and what the hell with who she is

But for the guy, its all about gettin what he sent out to get, its all about his

I should have never had sex with you, but the reason I did it wasn’t because I was out to get only one thing from you

The reason behind it was it was something you wanted, and I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to do for you

Have you ever asked yourself why I would let anything like that happen? Why I would do that?

I bet you never did because afterwards you just thought I was a slut for letting it happen anyway, I was easy for letting you hit that

Nope, no, no, no. I really wanted to spend time with you

I was afraid that if I didn’t agree to do what you wanted to do, you weren’t going to come over that night, and all I wanted was just to be with you

I remember I’d always asked you questions, some I already knew the answers to

So why ask them, because that was the only way I could hear from you

I think I understand now why you never called, texted, or hung out with me

Because you were only attracted to me sexually

I guess that’s why you didn’t introduce me to your father that day in the shop, you didn’t see me as a friend, you didn’t care about me

Something must had been wrong with me

You were the only guy I’ve know that actually made me happy about how I looked

You told me I was beautiful and from that moment on I was hooked

Unfortunately, now I realize that you were playing that game, saying what you needed to say to get what you want, you wasn’t for real

Too bad for me because I had nothing to come back at you with, which for me was a saddening ordeal

I just had all good intentions, I never ever wanted to hurt you, make you feel bad or say or do anything that would cause you to be upset

Now, I question and think if saying something to you in class that day, whether or not I should regret

When I called you on the phone and you told me I wasn’t the only friend you were dumping, that I was the only one that actually cared, why do you think that is?

Because I was the only one who truly really cared..

WILL THE REAL..? JUST STAND UP

Its been almost a month since I last made contact with you

Usually it would be like Hell, but this time, the lack of contact was okay to go through

I cant believe that I had thoughts last year, where I wanted to be with you so much and so badly, that I was thinking I could die for you

My friend, it has been a long way going and a long way coming back

I kept saying “no I don’t like you that way anymore” using that as a diversionary attack

My feelings were not controlled, it was all pitiful and it was just my emotions in tragic

I just had too much Oxytocin in my blood sugar especially for that hot sex magik

It was last January when I first started liking you, I remember wanting to be your girlfriend

I was so excited, you made my heart become overjoyed and you influenced me so much, I really thought we befriend

Hey you babe, you inspired me to write poetry, something I have never done in five years, and I do truly thank you for that

However, its just unfortunate that when I lost you, I lost my motivation to write, it just became something I chipped away at

Laughing Out Loud, I remember one time I became so sick to my stomach from crying over you that I wanted to hurl

Because all along you were just using me, all along you were just breaking the girl

LOL it kind of felt as if I was singled out, like disproportionate representation

It was all fake, never real like in Hollywood, like californication

Its getting on my nerves right now as Im doing this, cuz I don’t ever want to visit this again

Would it mean I’m over you, over the whole situation, if writing about it still causes a little pain?

I just want to get away from it for good just like you did, I need to book a flight too on the Aeroplane

You said at a point of time you had feelings for me, that’s something you have, but not me to reminisce

Perhaps I guess at those times that’s when you suck my kiss

Even when you told me you wanted to ‘opt out of the friendship’, I still had feelings at that time where they just cant stop

I kept denying they that they were still there, I tried to fool the both of us, it wasn’t a success at trying to have them blocked

And really Joseph, all along I kept asking and begging you “Why”, to just tell me baby

It took you months to finally tell me, where you just being stubborn, wanted to see me suffer…maybe

I see the devastating mistake I chose to make, how wrong it is to give it away

Because if I wouldn’t had done that, losing you as a friend wouldn’t have been a price I had to pay

But you always claimed that we were really never friends to begin with, and continued to say the reason why we couldn’t be friends was due to the fact that I took you virginity

I don’t understand you saying ‘we were never really were friends to begin with’, and you still continued to lie about that part. But I wished you well before I said goodbye and asked you to don’t forget me.

For the longest time I was missing you,

Now I’m better, and would be pissed to ever see you again because though, Im still left with some scar tissue

It is just so frustrating what happened, and to recall all this here and now; you said you hate me and to me that made me feel as if you wanted me to die

All I wanted was honesty and for you to show and give me in return what I gave to you, all I ever wanted to see was your otherside

Every time you confronted me about my feelings for you, I pushed them aside because I was in denial

However, even with coming clean to you, you still played games with me (for the longest), and you just left me with a desecration smile

Finally though, you did tell me what your only purpose was, which was to use me, and in fact you were just leading me along

(Track four, the zephyr song)

Yes, I was just fronting about giving you your CD back, but whatever I could do or say to see you or contact you again is just what I wanted. (I still have it.) I never wanted our ‘friendship’ to become adverse

Only if I could put you in my place when all of this was going down, how’s that for your parallel universe

Forget about asking yourself ‘why the fuck are you writing about this, me, and you’re over me?’ (which I know you don’t give a damn and you’re not questioning shit). But I just wanted to say open up, just to publish something on my blog, that I am over you, by the way

So there is really nothing much left to say

Do I think about you from time to time, well yeah

Will I ever want you be your ‘friend’ again, well no

I lost myself in you by giving you all of me and not controlling my feelings, resulting in falling in love, all along I don’t think either one of us seen how delicate this was, we just the lost our gripping

I remember that night in Royal Oak when we were together, lol that was our little road trippin

I would have given you everything you could ever want, need and ask for, we would have been around the world

Its just too bad you couldn’t see me as a real person, someone as a good friend, someone, because of your animalistic needs, as one you could make your girl

It came to a dead end, broken down is what has became of our ridge

I know Im going to end up in a good place from all of this, for you, perhaps maybe under the bridge

St. Joan of Arc

Her thoughts haunt her at night to the point where she cries
She tries to put the images for her broken life out her mind; she no longer wants to think to die
Perhaps she needs to stop comparing herself to others, and she must stop weighing her live against theirs
She never feels lonely, but she’s always alone, never lonely, so how could this be??
Maybe it’s the battling with herself, being two people, one striving to survive, she can see.
She asks the question every day, “what’s wrong with me?’ She feels as if she doesn’t belong
With all this battling shes been fighting for months, she still haven’t killed herself, she’s still standing strong.
She hates the presence of each and every day, basking in the mist of longing for (a) life
She know she must not hate herself, she knows that will get her nowhere, she has to let her strong side always arrive
She refuses to face herself at times because she doesn’t want to see, become, and believe how much of a mess her life is
She longs to be done with this, to be in the future of good, to see what the truth about her is
But she is taking it day-by-day, trying to survive and outlive the way she always feel
She must stay strong, endure, and overcome all of this one day cuz she knows she has fighting will.

Bitter-Sweet

I do not know where to begin with you
You kidnap everything that’s in me that possess me to feel the I do about you
I cannot find the speech to say just how much im consumed by you
You have stolen every thought and feeling I can dare to express to you
Oh how am I so lost and don’t know what to say or do

I guess “bitter sweet” would be the only way to describe it
Sweet…seeing your smile and lighting up my day
Sweet…feeling your embrace where I wanted to stay
Sweet…being with you, not wanting to ever go away
Bitter…having to leave
Bitter…cuz im a bit on unease
Bitter…cuz what I want, you don’t want to seize

To be with you is something I wish that wasnt in fantasy land
I thought I gave up those hopes and wishes
I still don’t know why my fall for you is so grand
The things of you, or it’s just me, I don’t know which is


I’m still scrambling to find the words to describe how im feeling…you struck me
You took away my building blocks…now im left here in the open, just hanging
Im at a helplessness of words…you impaired me
You hide my security blanket…now im left uncovered…just pranging


Please don’t be overwhelmed, attraction is all quite simple
But im so sorry, I continue to share my feelings with you…when you have put up the boundaries
And just to let go, needs time…its not always all that simple
My apologies again for not thinking about what I might be doing to you….i know that I must respect the boundaries

Ice Breaker

MY INTRODUCTION….

Though you maybe as cold as ice,
(Ummm….I thinks you said you like rice).
Tall, white skin, and good-looking is what you be,
I’ll bet you could whip my ass playin the PS3.
Funny, sweet, and kind of raw is what you are,
(Hey, did you see that movie Avatar!?)
Into sports, variety in music, and young you is,
Fuck age, with all these characteristics, you’re hot with extra fizz!!
No, no…really I just wanted to bring your face to a smile,
But I’ll bet there’s a lot more words I can say that I could add to this pile…


WHEN IT GOT SERIOUS....

Eight o’ clock is when his body rises
But his sun is high all the day and night long
To him I have yet to tell any lies
He’s precious and delicate, to him, I would do no wrong
He inspires me to write, but all the literature is about him
I have no understanding, but yet, questions of where my feelings stem
There is almost a bit of embarrassment in the air
So to want more and take away from him, to him it wouldn't be fair
From obscure reasons he has put me under his capture
However its glass-like territory that I must be careful not to fracture
Why must I have this bolding spirit, always putting everything out on the line?
Don’t be worried or concern, lift the pressure, you’ll be just fine
Maybe I should slow down and forget all about it
Because I’m 99 percent sure he’s not even thinking about it
I might as well back off, as I look to shame
Please just say those magic words, and I’ll refrain
So this is it, I hit you with another play
Who knows what the next scene may be, but I’m prepared for him to give her away

He Should Had Came With a Warning

                                                                         GUN

HE SHOT ME

HE SHOT ME IN THE HEART

BUT HE HAS ONLY BEEN WOUNDING ME

SHOT AFTER SHOT AFTER SHOT

BUT IT WAS ALL OVER

HE JUST KEPT SHOOTING ME

WHY? WHAT DID I DO?

WHY? WHAT DID I SAY?

HE HAS NO REASONS

HE HAS NO ANSWERS

HE JUST PICKED UP THE GUN, PUT IT IN HIS HAND, GRIPPED HIS FINGER ON THE HANDLE, AND HE SQUEEZED THE TRIGGER

I FELT EVERY EFFECT, BUT I KEPT WALKING TOWARDS HIM

MY BODY HELD AND KEPT EVERY FRAGMENT, BUT I CONTINUED TO GO FORWARD TO HIM

HE NEVER DROPPED THE GUN, HE NEVER RAN AWAY

HE JUST STOOD THERE NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO NEXT OR SAY

HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

HE WAS STUCK IN HIS FIRING OF WOUNDING ME; HE COULDN’T STOP, HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT

HE WANTED IT ALL TO END, BUT ONCE HE KNEW HE WAS DONE, HE KNEW I WOULD HAD BEEN LEFT INJURED AND WOUNDED

TO SHOOT ME KNOWING THAT I ALWAYS GAVE ALL THAT I COULD, PUTTING AND GOING ALL IN, HE COULD NEVER FACE THE WOUNDS THAT HE HAS AFFLICTED UNTO ME

IT TOOK ME BLEEDING AND PLEADING OUT OF MY PORES TO ASK WHY HE HAS DONE THIS TO ME

IT TOOK ME CRYING AND DYING OUT OF MY EYES AND HEART TO DIVULGE THE BULLETS HE HAS DISCHARGED INTO ME

THE MOST FUCKED UP THING ABOUT IT IS, IS THAT I KNOW HE KNOWS HE HURTED ME, BUT HE NEVER SAID “IM SORRY”

EVEN THOUGH HE HAS SAID FOR ME NOT TO BLAME MYSELF, THAT EVERYTHING WAS HIS FAULT, BUT BEING THANKFUL FOR ME BEING A WONDERFUL FRIEND

DOES THAT SHOW REMORSE? DOES THAT SHOW ANY EMPATHY? PERHAPS…BUT I DO APPRECIATE THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF HIS WORNG DOING

FOR MOST PEOPLE, AN APOLOGY WOULDN’T BE SUFFICIENT ENOUGH. BUT FOR ME, IT WOULD BE EVERYTHING. IT WOULD BE CLOSER TO THE CLOSURE THAT I NEED

I WOULDN’T WISH WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME ON MY BEST WORST ENEMIES

FUNNY THING ABOUT THE WAY HE KILLED ME, EVEN THOUGH IF I WANTED HIM TO FEEL WHAT IM FEELING, EVEN IF I WOULD WANT HIM TO ENDURE THE PAIN I HAVE ENDURED FROM HIM, JUST TO SEE WHAT ITS LIKE, I DON’T WANT THAT.

I DON’T EVEN WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO HIM. I DON’T WANT KARMA TO PAY HIM A VISIT

BUT THAT IS SOMETHING I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER

I STILL WISH AND HOPE THE BEST FOR HIM.

IM GOING TO MISS AN INPORTANT DAY THAT I WANT TO SEE

IM GOING TO MISS HIM REACHING HIS GOALS

IM JUST GOING TO MISS EVERYTHING

BUT HE NEVER WANTED ME TO HAVE A PART IN HIS LIFE, THAT’S WHY HE HAD HIS GUN; THAT’S WHY HE USED IT ON ME.

AND AFTER HE “BLASTED” ME FOR SO LONG, HE WAS THE ONE TO SAY BYE?! (BUT I GUESS IN A WAY IT WAS BETTER FOR HIM TO SAY IT CUZ I NEVER WOULD HAVE)

I JUST HOPE HE REMEMBERS AND NEVER FORGET…..

…but then again, he never cared anyway

IM DEAD?….TO HIM

The Snake In The Grass

He’s a pro at what he does. He has been at it for years. So skilled and so experienced he is. Coming into the situation just right leading you into false security. False trust. False truth. False intentions. False interaction. Smooth and sweet is what he pretends to be. Yes, in the beginning, he seems to care, perhaps in the beginning he did. September meet again after many years. However, the more of you and him continue, the more you will begin to see. You’ll see the false presentation he puts on. But it will already be too late. He dragged you in. He pulled you along. Most of all, he made you out to be a player. Not wanting to be a part of the ‘game’, well maybe that’s what you’re in now when you’re with him. She didn’t notice at first…she didn’t notice what was going on. She’s genuine, honest, and had good intensions; she trusted this to be all real. She never wanted to be a part of the game, Never! In a way, players are like vampires. They pray on those that are unexpected and perhaps those that are a little weak. Then they make you feel comfortable, giving you a false security. Next, they get want they want, biting down on you and sucking you in. Then they take it. They always have cruel intensions. Able to stop cold turkey for someone she had deep feelings for, but she struggles to stop for someone that probably doesn’t care. That means she’s addicted to him. She’s addicted to him. (She wonders how he feels and what he would think and say about that.) Although she feels bad to say he doesn’t care. She wants to believe he does. She knows there is a nice and sweet soul deepened within him. She experienced that in him years ago. She wants to see that again; not exclusively, but at least as real friends. It’s a bit unfair to say that she question rather or not if he cares. He feels the same way (about her, she is sure). Truth is, SHE DOES. Always had and always will. But they way he plays her is perfectly, and she falls for it every time. She feels trapped when he shows up at her home out of nowhere, and says ‘spend the night with me’. She done it once or twice, but doesn’t stand to do it once more. He’s slick, she thinks, that’s why he does it sparingly. The snake in the grass, creeps up and get you, gets her every time. Rude to call him that but it’s quite fitting. And just like he doesn’t respond to her calls, texts, messages, etc. perhaps because ‘we’re just hooking up, fuck her she doesn’t care’, is the same reason why she doesn’t answers his. He has his way with her, neither one of them can possibly honestly truly care….right? Not necessarily.

She can admit that in the beginning she wanted it too, she was willing. But the more it happened to her, the more she was starting to resist. Forced is how it started to come. She didn’t want to pleasure him that way anymore. Remembering the pain she felt when he would grab her hair. Reliving the pain she felt when he grabbed her neck. That was just the launch of the even more pain she will endure. On the floor completely exposed, she thinks she was a bit afraid. She knew what was about to happen. She knew she had to take it. Once taken, surprise was the reaction she experienced. How can the pain continue and intensify each time. This time will be one she would never forget. He began and she felt it. The hurt he caused her made her cry. Tears were literally flowing down the sides of her face. The joy of pain. But she always trusted him. She knew what he was doing, that he knew how to do it and what to do. He had to cover her mouth because of her loud moans covered with cries. She was a tad embarrassed of the tears because she didn’t want to seem weak. She would say ‘STOP’ knowing that he wouldn’t and knowing in the back of her mind that she didn’t want him to. But with his strength inside her she had no choice.

 

 

More pain and more tears followed. The most painful place to be, he went. Pushing her hands against his body to get him off, but with an untrying weak effort, he continued. The pain, oh the pain! She could no longer control her cries or tears, she let it go. Surprised by his request, “look at me”, she obeyed and enjoyed what she was seeing. (Before, she could never look him in the eyes. Afraid of what she might see, or reflectively, afraid of what he might see in her.) She wanted to say him name, but he didn’t demand it. She’s trying to breathe while he squeezes her neck. The tightest hold he ever held on her. No more fight she put up, giving him all control.

 

 

One more place to be that isn’t that easy. Facing the floor she could feel the tears rush down her face. Wanting…needing to grab hold of something but there’s nothing she could use to quench her need to help her endure; she’s left in the open. Resting her head down on the carpet was the only slight relief. She could feel the jerks of her body from his rapid movement. She could feel the grief of the pain inside her from his aggressive tones. She took it. The whole experience pleased her but also caused her the strongest spiritual conviction she ever endured. Yes, crying because of the pleasurable pain, but also because of the thoughts of wrong doing. How did it come to this point with him?

 

Slave. Slave is what she is to him. He demands. He forces. He’s the tyrant. She’s obedient. She’s submissive. She’s the captive. Ha, this isn’t a game anymore; or at least she doesn’t want it to be. She’s wants the next level; the next level of complete domination. She wants total force. (However, she has been rebellious of late.) Slaps to the face he did to her. Smacks to the face he unleashed upon her. Tied hands behind her back, she was hostaged. But now he has to be pugnacious on a higher level. Don’t be so easy on her, she wants. Use rope, she hopes. Utilize a gag, she wishes. Throw her. Toss her. Hold her down. Lie on top of her and smack her right on the side of her face. Go harder when she says ‘stop’. Do it tougher when she cries ‘no’. Pin her down when she tries to push off and get away. It has to be fully against all her will…and there’s a name for that but she isn’t going to speak of it.

 

What’s next to become of this, she isn’t sure. She’s so use to that phone call or that text saying “come outside” or “what are you doing tonight”. She knows what that means. It means ‘I want to be inside of you tonight’. At the latest contact, it was a different get in touch. He just wanted to say hi? What? All of a sudden, out of nowhere, it’s not the same old hook up offer. He has trained her so well to expect a field trip with him every time he gives attention to her. Having that happened, made her realize how used she is and how used he made her be and feel. But should she really feel that way? On multiple occasions she greeted him in the early days with “Good Morning”, “Have a good day”. She didn’t want anything then. She just wanted to make him feel good and perhaps boost his mood and confidence that his day will be alright. So isn’t that the same when he last contacted her? Maybe so, she’s willing to accept that. But it always fall back into a pattern of he won’t respond to her, she won’t respond to him. Funny thing is, after that very last time, for the first time ever, she’s been expecting….no, waiting on the next pick up. See at first in the beginning, he had her wanting more, a relationship. The more she fucked with him them less that became and the more all she ever started to want was his sensual pleasures. She can’t explain it any better than this. He does something to her she cannot explain. He’s good. However, she will admit, she misses the Round Twos. She gets left on the floor and feels like shit. Feels like shit. Sure, she can make her own self comfortable, but his lack of compassion she feels is enough evidence for her to feel as if he doesn’t care. She feels like she’s just that “play piece” for him whenever we want it and whenever he gets it.

 

 

 

She guesses the most evidence she has was the tricks. One evening of defiance she was able to identify something. She rebelled against his cravings and led him elsewhere. “Oh, you think you’re the only one?” she teased him. She continued to play that game. All of a sudden, BOOM, there’s that caring person from last September, when they got back in touch after many years. He bombarded her with priceless attentiveness. Sayings and questionings of: “Cassidy, (her alias name), I want you to be successful. What are you interested in? What do you have your degree in? Do you think that I’m just using you? No, I really like you. I really consider you as a friend. I’m not using you.” Then he throws down another shocking bombshell: “I need a girlfriend. I need someone to move in with me. Cassidy, if I made you my girlfriend, would you move in with me?” She went along with everything; answering his questions but with much speculation. He must have felt threaten? Perhaps if she had another guy, that wouldn’t sit too well with him because he wants his slave all to himself! Till this day she kind of doubts his forwardness of concern. In a years’ time, since last September, that was the only other time he ever seemed to be interested in her other than the sensual carnal stimulations. But she doesn’t even care about that anymore. She just doesn’t care; it doesn’t bother her whether or not if he meant those things. But she’s comfortable with him. He does make her laugh. At times, he made her cry, not because of his sexual actions. She broke down over him when she realized what the true picture was. Now, she is lost, maybe a little confused. She wants to know how long will this last before it ends or until it turns into something else. Will anything change? What is going to happen and what are his intensions, she ponders. She’s not dumb, she just doesn’t say or do anything about it. She knows more, but isn’t going to stress it. It’s whatever now…