Incomplete Thoughts...

I'm so sick and tired of having no one to talk to. I have no one and no one has me. No one wants me. No one is interested in me. I have no one to talk to. I go to God but he never responds. He never answers. What's the point of talking to God and you can't hear him??

Not Me

You didn't pick me so I know I'm not one of your special friends
You didn't choose me so I know I'm not one to have your interests
Just Not Me

You don't talk to me so I know I'm not important to you
You don't give me any attention so I know you don't care about me
Its just Not Me

I never ever hear from you on your own volition, so you don't care to put any effort in
I never get anything from you on your own initiative, so you are thoughtless about me
Well at least for Not Me

I put in effort, and give attention, however the same is not reciprocated
I exercise your mind, however I'm left dissolute
Guess its Not Me

You have a choice, and it's Not Me!

Suicide: What's Left

You wonder what position you're going to fall in once you kill yourself
You thought about how your body will lay lifeless after you did the deed
Pounded how your body will be discovered
Question when someone will recover your torso

Suicide was committed, you have no say so in what's to be retrieved
Offing yourself, you can only put it in your letter how you want your body rescue to be done
Self- execution you performed, there are no predictors in how gruesome your body will be left
You killed yourself, unless you left instructions, you no longer have control what's to be done with you
Gave yourself the death penalty, you have no more rights or speech

But you wonder about what kind of posture your corpse is going to have
Thought about how your body parts will lay
Pounded on how the scene will be
Questioned when someone will come and take away your remains


just don't do it.. Don't commit suicide

Promise Me

The next time we get in touch with one another, can you please promise me that you will sex me like you have never sexed me before? Can you promise me that no matter how much i tell you to stop or slow down, that you'll take my body for the taking? Please can you promise me this? Please promise that you'll choke sex me hard and rough. Promise to back sex me until i can't walk. Promise to spit in my mouth and slap and punch me around. Promise to call me dirty names while you do me so fast and tough. Promise me that you'll make me crawl to you like a pet and kiss your feet. And can you please promise to tie me up, and handcuff me?? Can you promise to blindfold me, and gag me if you want to?? Can you promise to whip me with a chain and belt? Promise me that you'll slow it down and grind me at a slow tempo. Promise me that while you doing me with no haste, that you'll bite on my neck and kiss on my ears. Promise me you're going to make out with me while you slow sex me. Can you please promise me that while you decelerate, that you will play with me? Please can you promise me these things? The next time we get in touch with one another, can you please promise me that you'll breast sex me? Promise me that your mouth is going to bite, suck, and gnaw on my breasts and nipples.

 

When we get back in touch, first can you promise to embrace me with a hug and a kiss? Promise to talk to me, to catch up. Then, can you promise to start the foreplay? Please promise me that you're going to start slow by touching me all over my body. Promise that you can put me in the mood. Please promise that you're going to tease me to get me in the mood. And when the foreplay ends, can you promise me that you will be the one to take off my shirt. Promise me that you are going to be the one to pull down my pants. You know what comes next, promise me that you're going to unsnap and take off my bra. The best part, please promise me that you're going to pull down my panties and lay me on the bed.

 

Oh how I can't wait until we get back in touch... Because I know that you're going to keep these promises

He Likes It Quite

Does he ever expect me to speak?
Sitting in silence, I'm mute, never reaching a social peak
Quite to hear a pin drop, I never say a word
How he doesn't say anything to me is so absurd

He is so good at making women feel good about how bad he treats them. He's a professional at it
He is so good at having women chase after him regardless of his hurtful ways. He's great at it

What's wrong with him?
Can his heart really be that cold?
What's wrong with him?
Is he really the disrepectingly bold?

He doesn't expect me to speak
I sit in silence like he wants it, words from my mouth he needth not to seek
Better if I stay quite, he doesn't need me to speak not one word
His distasteful lack of attention is highly absurd

He like it quite afterwards, so you women better not make a sound
Sit there in silence for him, or he's not going to keep you around

Entangled

I'm being ripped apart from the insides out
I'm being turn to pieces from outside in
I'm being shattered from head to toe
I'm becoming undone from toe to head

Entangled in a web of depression, where is the release
Entangled in a web of stress, where is the peace
Entangled in a web of worry, can I ever escape this
Entangled in a web of  doubt, will I ever conquer this

I've lived in sorrow for most of my days
I've lived in pain for most of my life
My entire existence has been an unhealthy emotional maze
My entire being has been struggling to fight for most of my years; its been my whole life
 

What is there to See?

I look around in life and see everyone else happy,
But me
I look around in life and see everyone else smiling,
But me.
I feel tormented by the ghosts of my past
I feel neglected because of the absence and neglection by the emptiness of fitting in that continues to last

As I notice the lives of others, mine is sorely sad
As I observe the life of those around me, mine is undoubtedly numb
I feel trapped instead myself because of my past; The abuse has molded me bad
I feel a struggle trying to break free because of my abuse; My past I have to conquer

I look around in life and I can no longer afford to compare
I need a new lease on life
I look around in life and I have to become my own to no longer despair
No longer can I life in strife

So what is there to see?...

That I need to live my life differently

Addict of a Sexual High

As she lays on the floor words can't describe the ecstasy she's feeling
The high she gets is unlike anything she has experienced before
He is her drug. He is her sexual high. He is her addiction.

Lying on the floor, the sexual high consumes her
She cannot believe what she is feeling
The climax she experienced is not ending causing her to bask in a sense of a sexual high

Feeling like a drug addict, she feels the want to get a drug induced high
He has her hooked on his sex, she wants to try a drug to feel that high
Addicted to him, he gives her the sexual high of a long-lasting climax well after the sex being over

Lying on the floor, she can't help but to feel drugged by the power of his sex
This high she's going through causing her to cry not knowing the reason
Sexual highs she feels, makes her feel so unreal

As she lies on the floor, she tries to contain the high she's feeling off of him
The high she is continuing to feel, is making her fall further and further into her addiction to him
He is her high. He is the drug. He is her drug. His sex is her addiction. He is her sexual high

Pressure

Let me explain something to you about pressure
It can take you where you don't want to go
It can lead you to a life you don't want to live
And it can destroy you
Pressure
It can strip away your dignity
It can cause you to become servant to irreverence
Giving into pressure is a spiritual death sentence
Allowing pressure to make your choices pushes you onto an unwanted path

How can I push forward?
How can I stand up for what I no longer want to do?
How do I push toward bravery to say no to what I know is wrong?
How do I stand up to this pressure that's hanging over me?

Pressure
My experience with pressure
It can influence you to want to try bad things
It can cause you to fall into an addiction
And it can bring you down faster than what you realize
Pressure
It can take away your self-respect
It can cause you to become a doormat to a unsafe lifestyle
Falling into pressure is damaging to your body and soul
Giving into pressure allows you to make the choices you know that aren't right

Pressure
Relieve it
Relinquish it
Destroy it
Dissolve it

Question: Would You?

If I text you my questions, would you answer them?
If I write you a letter, would you read it and write back?
If I called you over the phone to express my concerns, would you listen?
If I send you a gift, would you receive it and send something back?
If I drew a picture of what the inside of my mind looks like, would you call it art and love it?
If I write a poem and give it to you, would you decipher the meaning and say that my words are beautiful?
If I painted a mural of what's inside of my heart, would you not break it and take care of it?

If I were to love you with all of my heart, would you love me the same?
If I were to take care of you with all of my being, would you care for me in the same way?
If I can give you all that you would ever want and need, would you return the gratitude?
If I risked all that I had for you, would you risk for me?
If I sacrificed all that I am to be with you, would you sacrifice for me?
If I had to give up everything, would you appreciate my gesture and supply all that I've lost just to be with you?
Would you do for me, as I would do for you??
 

When It's Over

Thinking about him every day, my mind gets weak
Thinking about him every night, my heart grows heavy
Memories of him brings me to tears
Memories of him also brings me fears
Staying in my head, I relive every possible moment with him
Staying in my head, I replay future endeavors with him
Laying on my bed, I dream of encounters with him
Laying on my bed, I dream of us being together again

He's gone now and I wonder if he will ever return
He's gone now and I wonder if I will ever see him again
I'm still here, left suffering in hurt and pain
I'm still here, left behind with just...feelings
There will be a return, but it will not be the same
There will be a return, but he will not get what he seeks to regain..

Robot Sex

It felt like robot sex, just going through the motions
It felt like robot sex, just all the same routines
It felt like robot sex, the same thing over again.
He felt the same inside me. He did me the same.
I moaned the same. I clawed and grabbed him the same
It felt like robot sex; have we reached the end of our bed?
It felt like robot sex; has the fun and the intensity of our sex burn out?
It felt like robot sex; could we ever regain the desires of having sex with each other again?
I want it to be good again. I want it to be great again.
I want it to be rough again. I want it to be hard and raw again.
It was robot sex, the same pleasure
It was robot sex, a dull moment
It was robot sex, the same sexual regularity but satisfying
I want it to be new again. I want the passion back
I want it to be thrilling again. I want the freakiness back
He moaned the same. He did me the same. I said his name I like I always would do. I climaxed like he always made me do.
It was Robot Sex, it felt surreal.
It felt like Robot Sex, barely able to feel

In His Closet

I entered through his bedroom door and he lead me over to the bed
He stood behind me as his touched all over my body
Kisses he laid upon my neck and face as I grabbed onto his legs
Slowly taking my clothes off, he watched me undress
Laying across the bed, face down, he bounded my wrists
I played the victim, I plead "no", I plead "stop"
He grabbed my hair and slapped my face and he said to me "shut-up! You like this"
Not letting him get between my legs, I tried to keep them closed
He said "oh you want to play games!?"
He grabbed my ankles and dragged me onto the floor
I had no freedom, I had no escape
Putting his hands around my throat, he choked me so hard
Barely breathing, he taunted me
Demanding me to say his name, I wouldn't
He got up from on top of me, cut the rope from my wrists, he left me on the floor
He walked to the other side of the room and told me to "come here"
As I proceeded to stand, he said "no! crawl to me like you're a dog. crawl to me on all fours"
I had to obey him, I crawled to him
When I reached his feet, he patted me on the head and said "good girl"
He told me to "get on the bed", and I knew what was about to happen
Showing no mercy, he choked me and roughed sexed me
Then he became still.
Still choking me, he told me to "open your mouth"
I did slightly, he said "wider"
I did, he then spat in my mouth and told me to "swallow it", I did
Continuing with the rough sex and choking, he demanded me to say "I love you", I did
I had no choice but to tell him "you're the best. you're the best I ever had"
He kissed me and said "I thank you. I know it"
He bound my wrists again so I wouldn't fight him for what he was about to do next
Flipping over on my stomach, I knew what was about to happen
At the first feel of it, I tried to crawl away, it just hurts so bad
He pulled me back and told me to "stop fighting me! take it"
I had to woman up, so I took it
Screaming, crying and trying to do whatever I could to get him off of me, all my attempts were unsuccessful
Once in the grove, the pain subsided just a little bit, enough to where I could take it, but I still cried out
When it all was done, he told me to "get up", I did
Then he told me to "get down on your knees", I did
He then forced me into his closet, where he shut the door and locked it
I said  "let me out of here", he yelled "hell no! you're on punishment"
I tired to ask questions but he would say to me "shut the fuck up, be still, I'm not letting you out of the closet"
He fixed him something to eat, came to the closet door, opened it, and fed me like I was a dog
He kept me in his closet for two hours with me wrists still bounded behind my back
Every now and then he would open the door for sex, then leave again
Every now and then he would come in the closet and abuse me, slapping me or whipping me
Finally letting me out of his closet, it was time for round two
Round two was much like round one, but with a little more dirty talk
When that ended, he put me in his closet for the last time
Once in his closet, he did me again
In the dark,
In his closet...

In his closet

BDSM: How I See It

I don't like the dirty looks I get when talking about my interests in bdsm. I really don't share with everyone I speak with about this particular affinity of mine. It makes me feel bad and it makes me feel sad when someone looks at me in a weird way after telling them I like bdsm. I feel violated, those that frown upon it makes me feel as if something is wrong with me. Okay, so some people know my secret. It doesn't make me bad person. I'm used to being called a "weirdo", because everyone has always called me that; even when meeting someone new. Yes, I'm weird, but don't judge me. There's a safe and healthy way with participating in bdsm. And before you get to judging me, for you information, I have only participated in only a few acts of bdsm, the rest is all fantasy and wishful, hopeful thinking. The things I talk about while describing such acts, yes they are things that I will like to experience. Some things I have already did without the bdsm factors (such as compromising positions without all the torture and abuse, whips and chains). I have gotten my feet wet with this, and I attend on doing a lot more. Don't try to make me feel uncomfortable because of this. You wouldn't want anyone looking down on you because of your secrets...now would you?

How does BDSM make you feel when you hear someone mention it? What do you think about it? Is it bad? Is it something you would try? Why do you think its so weird and or nasty/filthy? Does something has to be wrong with someone because they like to talk about it or participate in it? Let's break it down to see what it is... In its most basic nature...

BDSM: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism
~Bondage is when you are restraining your partner (or vise versa). Or it can be the act of just restraining a particular body part (like breast bondage, wrist bondage, ankle bondage..etc)

~Discipline is just the restraining with the use of rules and punishment. (Punishment can be any kind of pain being afflicted... Whatever you like! Break the rules, and that's twenty hits with a Flogger. Whatever you and your partner come up with.

~Dominance is when one partner exercises control over the other, similar to (Sadomasochism one who enjoys afflicting sexual pain)

~Submission one who is submissive, consensually gives up all control to their "Master" (the dominant partner); slave

~Sadism (as mentioned with Dominance) Practitioners of sadomasochism usually seek out sexual gratification from the acts of afflicting pain

~Masochism (the opposite of Sadism) this is me. I am a Masochist, one who enjoys receiving pain, sexually. Subset of BDSM - S&M, yeah that Rhianna song! I was into this way before that record came along! S&M is usually just role-playing

You also have you TOP, the person doing the action, and the BOTTOM, person who receives. Not to be confused with Dominate and Submissive. There are things like "Pup-Play"(similar to "Animal Play", where the submissive slave acts like a puppy, whines, eats and drinks from a doggy bowl, growls etc, all for sexual gratification. There is "Tease and Denial", (similar to Erotic Sexual Denial) which is making the other person stay aroused while delaying or preventing sexual intercourse or resolution of the feelings, its keeping them in a continual state of anticipatory tension. So basically its heightening ones (sexual) sensitivity. You also have "Knife Play" and "Gun play", a fear of weapons is crucial in playing the part in stimulating the Submissive. The Knife Play serves as a slow, methodical form of stimulation, usually not breaking/cutting the skin, to the Sub. The Gun Play serves as a stimulate to the Sub as well. I have experienced the Gun Play, I will love to experience the Knife Play. "Breath Control" is when the Dom controls the Sub's breathing, this too is something I will like to do. "Impact Play" is my favorite; This involves the use of floggers, riding crops, whips, paddles, and etc. "Bondage" is my favorite as well (as mentioned above). I've been handcuffed before. I've been zip tied before. I would like to do the whole body bondage and ankle bondage as well. And I will like to be Hogtied. "Consensual non-consent" is something I want to do when I want to do the "Rape Fantasy/Ravishment" (which is consensual play rape). The Consensual non-consent is an agreement of consent given without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned; with a clear, safe and set limits are placed on the activities. This is describe as partners who deeply trust and understand each other, and knows each other extremely well. Only when you have a relationship such as that, you should participate in BDSM and any of its activities,
             The play-rape is the only thing that I would ever feel bad about. Why? Because I know there are women being out there in the world that has been raped, and it happens everyday. So how dare I want to make it into a game? Yes, I feel bad about wanting to engage in such a fantasy. Even with that being my thoughts, I cant help but to still want it. I had a partner that I could trust, however we no longer can see each other. So it's not going to happen anytime soon. I just hope when I find the one for me, that he wouldn't mind this and I hope he doesn't freak out about this either. I need this in my life.

So, here you have it. Am I sick for liking sexual pain? Okay, I will admit that it is a little unorthodox, but no harm as long you have a willing and trusting partner. That is all it really takes. Oh and of course a Safe Word!

A guy "friend" once asked me why am I into bdsm, how did I get into it. Well, since being molested when I was 7, I grew up feeling all types of weird sexual feelings. I guess the older I got, the more it made sense that pain and sex goes together. I blame my affinity of BDSM on me being molested as a child. I got used to the abuse that I experienced back then, and I grew up with it. I was submissive when I was 7 years old when that happened, so it's only right and fair that I be submissive now when involved in sexual activities. I don't mind it, and I know what my predator did wasn't right and I don't have to be involved in bdsm because of that, but its a part of me now. I enjoy it. I embrace it. I like it. I won't stop. Credit to bdsm videos that I have been exposed to, and various social media outlets that have spread such content so freely. And also to my dark past that I lived. Some things from the past just mold and shape you into who you are when you get older, or at least parts of you. Will I do this for the rest of my life, well, I don't know. All I can say is that I am not ready to stop, or quit right now. There is a lot more that I want to do with this!


 How do you see it?

No Title to Describe the Love for Someone

I love this man with every part of my being
But I understand that he is not worth keeping
Almost ten years of knowing him
However, then again, I really didn't know him.
He never cared about me
I never mattered to him
He never was concerned for me
I never interest him
It was only out of convenience when he would give me attention
It was only when he wanted what he wanted he'd give me a mention
My heart still loves him a lot.
My mind still thinks of him a lot.
Asked the question would he care if I died
He said that would hurt him, to never talk like that, is what he replied
So he cared enough for me only when I would perish
Not even being there for me in the past or now, he couldn't even cherish
Stepping out on his relationship, he wanted me
Not being faithful to her, to get what he wanted from me
Mentioned to me after this encounter, we couldn't have sex anymore
Stated to me he couldn't cheat anymore
He has a girlfriend and I have to leave him alone
He has a girlfriend and I have to leave for good and be gone
It was claimed that we really are or were friends
But it was only when he wanted to do what he did to me that I became a friend
I love him so much, and this all so bad hurts
I care about him so much, but my acquaintance with him I must desert
All that time I told him how I felt about him,..for five years!
All this time he was never going to give me what I wanted, and he knew it, playing me, and this brings me to tears
Now, he's with someone, and I wouldn't dare to wait
He's with her now, hoping for something with us later, I can't await
It makes me think and wonder, what was wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough
Now having to pick up the broken pieces of my heart to move on and forget is going to be tough
I just want him back so bad, but he makes me feel like a bad person
I just want to be with him so bad, but I have to stop lingering in this or my pain is going to worsen
Building the courage to stay away even if he comes back
Burying my life in God so that if he should return my persistence in staying away won't lack
As I look to God, he is all I have, and can be the only one to heal my heart
I'm committing my ways to him, and leaving that guy alone, so I'm doing my part
I wonder if this man will ever realize how much I love, care, and feel about him
I wonder if this man will ever understand how much I would have been there for him, giving him everything, just to take care of him
He has been the only guy that I ever wanted to be with, I can't see myself with anyone else
It's overdo for me to let got now because someone out there is better, I deserve someone else
But, oh well, all is done and gone for now, all this must be lost
If he should ever come to me again, I'm going to have to ignore, for me, his accost
I want to say I'm sorry, I always want to apologize
However, I'm not the one who should be saying it, my love for him he refused to recognized..

Jail Cell

Put me in a jail cell and lock me up
Handcuff me and don't let me go
Put me in a jail cell and make me feel uncomfortable
Handcuff my wrists to the bars
Rip my clothes off and coke me
Strip my clothes off and squeeze my neck
I'm in prison therefore I am your prisoner
I'm in prison therefore you are my Master
I've been bad, so punish me
I've be corrupted, so abuse me
Take out your club and hit my body with it
Take out your club and 'you know what' me with it
Blindfold me and do something with me
Blindfold me so that I'm in darkness when you make my body chill
Gag me with your utility belt so no one can hear my screams
Gag me with your belt so I won't be able to tell you to stop
Take a sheet and tie my body to the jail cell bars
Take a sheet and tie my legs to the jail cell bars
Once bound, torture me
Once bound, abuse me
Release me from the bars but, lock me up to the bed
Release all gags, ties and handcuff me to the bed
On the jail cell bed, lying face up you handcuff my ankles and wrists to the bed posts
Tie my wrists to the bed above my head
Tie my wrists tight so I won't be able to fight back
Look me into my eyes and call me a filthy name as you have your way with me
Look me into my eyes and call me whatever you want as you do whatever you want to me
You're done, for now, playing BDSM in this Jail Cell game
You're finished, for now, in our "this should stay secret" Jail Cell fantasy

The Player

Learning his tricks. Learning his ways

Knowing his scams. Knowing his schemes.

Realize the games. Realize his deception.

Realize his intentions. Realize the motives.

Recognize his plays. Recognize his moves.

He's just doing what players do

He just fucks like players do

Doesn't give a shit like what players do

Doesn't say shit just like what players do

Uses women just like what players do

Uses his power over weak bitches just like what players do

 

 

Done with the bullshit. Done with the lies.

Know all the games. Know all the tricks.

Agnize the sweet talk. Agnize the "Baby" speech.

 Saw all the misleading ways. Saw all the fake connotations

Learned from the best. Learned it from The Player

 

 

Strange Chemistry

To describe this young man seems like an impossible task for me to do
Words just can't explain the web of his charm that he has inadvertently pulled me in to
This young man captivates my mind in such a way that I can't comprehend
He's a sweet, nice, handsome guy that I thought I could potentially confide in
But I'm so damaged, I didn't even give it a chance
He knew something was up, even from the first glance
I feel responsible for this circle of games that I've put him through
All my silly doubts and fears, no wonder from me he withdrew
I understand Time was the main deal
It all started, but ended so quickly, it feels so surreal
By no means am I upset at him, he's done nothing wrong
It's me that continues to bring my baggage along
I hope that we would have been really good true friends, I was looking forward to that
However my past and ghosts are responsible for our mishap
I believed that being friends with this guy would had been so fun, exciting, and just something new
I believed that being friends with this young man would had been an eccentric yet so fairytale like and it just didn't fall through
We're so different, but at the same time, we're just alike
It feels a little weird that I can't describe it, but it's nothing about this that I dislike
Trust me, I wanted to experience everything in our friendship..
From trust, care, sex, to telling secrets, sharing our pasts, and cuddles, all plus more, in the friendship
Yes, I wanted to be exposed to all the things in life with him, a friendship so spectacular
I bet we could have came up with our own vernacular :)
Yes I wanted to kiss him I waned to experience his touch, and I wanted to caress him
At the same time, yes I wanted to be his friend, his hang out buddy, to just to be cool with him
We're good now, we understand each others situations, everything is clear
I had no bad intentions and that is absolutely sincere
But I guess its quite over now, nothing to come of this, of us
I have to stop drowning myself when things don't work out and that is a must!

If I had to descried him...

He's tall like the tallest tree in the forest
He's white like the whitest sand on the beach
He has the deepest blue eyes like the clearest blue ocean
He has a slim build with a sexiness to accompany his body
His voice is like the sound of angels singing
And his smile is as the beautiful rising of the sun
The hair on his head is like the blackness of a soft towel
His touch, oh my is his touch magical, sending a chill through my body
His sense or humor, the way he speaks, how he walks, the depth of his mind, and the mystery of his heart... Illuminating!!

Yes, YOU!

BLACK

Black is beautiful, Black is Bold
Black is lovely, Black is like Gold
Black is mysterious, Black is captivating
Black is glorious, Black is motivating

The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice
The darker the woman, the sweeter is her juice
The darker the man, the sweeter his seduce

Black is sexy, Black is strong
Black is sweet, Black is never go wrong
Black is deep, Black is entrancing
Black is splendorous, Black is romancing

Being BLACK is so damn beautiful!

:)

The Eyes are Windows into the Soul

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Can you see the pain that's hurting me?
Probe into the depths of my eyes, that of which leads to my soul
Can you foresee the pain that my soul beholds?

Glance at my sight and tell me that my eyes don't carry any secrets
Do you notice the sadness they channel, if so, will you keep it?
Peek into my oculus and act out what you see
Will you be able to preform the violence that has happened to me?

Stare into my eyes and see the path into my soul
Are there any mystifying truths that hasn't been told?
Gaze into the depths of my eyes and tell me what you see
Can you fathom the horrors that's torturing me?

As you journey into my soul, there is another
Looking into my eyes, you'll see a fond other
Observe the love that exist within my soul
Discover the profound tenderness that's deepen, yet surfaced, that's occupying my soul
It's not all hurt and pain
Just look into my eyes again

The eyes are the windows into ones soul
The eyes tell all of what's to unfold

To My MEN

I'm sorry if I wasn't pretty enough
I'm sorry if I wasn't thin enough
I'm sorry that my hair wasn't long enough
I'm sorry if my skin wasn't light enough for you
I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough for you
I'm sorry if I wasn't as cold as you would have liked me to had been
I'm sorry if I wasn't as fun as you would have liked me to had been

Oh, no..wait!

I'm sorry I was too good for you
I'm sorry I was too real for you
I'm sorry I was too blunt and honest for you
I'm sorry I cared about you so much
I'm sorry I loved you with all of my heart and was in love with you
I'm sorry for just wanting to take care for you, and wanting to be there for you for everything!

Yep, that's it...

You never cared how much I cared for you
You never cared how much I was in to you
You never cared that my intentions and feelings were real
You never cared that everything I did for you, I did it out of love for you
You never cared about what I wanted
You never cared about the love I professed to you

They look at me and no man seems to care to get to know what kind of heart I have
They look at me and no man seems to care about the intriguing thoughts that linger in my mind
They see me and all that comes to their mind is sex
They see me and all they think about is laying me down
They look at me and they don't even give me a chance
They look at me and they don't want to get to know me

But that's okay..

My Road

My life is going extremely tough right now. I have nobody and I am completely alone. The ones I thought I could trust are too self absorbed for my liking. Do you know how bad it feels to not be able to talk to anyone..and to not be able to talk about everything you need to get off of your chest!? My mind is in a constant constant struggle to think positive or negative. I battle with this every single day almost all, the entire day long. I fight everyday and I'm getting so so tired of it. I want to let it all go and just give up but God won't let me. He won't let me die. At the point I was going to give up my Faith, he stepped in and told my sister to tell me "trust in me, rely on me, come to me". He keeps saving me and I really don't know why. He must have something really special planned for me in my life that He wants to see me accomplish. Will I ever get to hear Him on my own? No. And I don't know why that is. I talk to Him. Pray, meditate, read the Bible all of that and He still never says anything to me. Sometimes I feel as if He has something against me because he can talk to my sister to tell me something, but He didn't say it to me directly. Why? And I asked this of Him. Answer I got: nothing. On top of this spiritual warfare, I still have other battles going on.

As I mentioned, I have no one to turn to. I don't know about you, but even when my life is busy, hectic, when there's so much going on, I NEVER put my friends cares to the side. I'm always there for them no matter what I may be going through. I never leave them hanging. That's how my last friendship ended. I couldn't stand to be around her selfishness anymore so I distance myself from her until we were no more. Or maybe I'm just not a good friend. But I thought I put in effort, I try, I communicate, I make contact, but I receive very little of that in return. But you know what, oh well. No one really cares about me expect for this one friend that I do have. And I really appreciate her being willing to go to church together. She's looking for Faith, and I'm struggling trying to keep it. This means alot to me and if we can really help each other out on this, that would be the greatest thing. I still, sometimes want to think that the problem is me, but I just want to say that it's not. I don't think it is. If so, if something is wrong, with me, tell me. But I'm starting not to care anyway. I'm hanging on by a thread of everyone and everything that I have. I feel as if soon that I'm just going to let that thread go. Its weighing very very thin. I can't take any of this anymore. And I'm just tired. I dont even care about my english, if any of this makes any sense, misspelled words, I just dont care anymore. Im stuck here on Earth, I cant die, Im barely living as it is...

And out of the few people who might read this, they would probably let me off myself. nobody cares. Nobody care. I guess they think its all my imagination, that none of this is real. Well its plenty of real, and every single thing i put on here is the truth about what happened, how I feel, all is real. If i should ever die before the end, just refer those that knew me to this blog. Maybe perhaps then they would understand..

When Will it END

Every day my life is filled with pain                  Every day my heart aches

Never going away                                              Never going away    

Doesn't seem to let up                                       Doesn't seem I'll be free

Each day in my life I cry                                   Each day my heart hurts
Not ceasing to ease                                          Not finishing to heal
Don't want to live like this anymore                Don't want to live agony anymore

Every day I feel unreal                                     Every day I become more undone
Never feeling unslaved                                    Never living escaped
Doesn't appear to have near bliss                   Don't want to exist in ail any longer

Each days brings a new affliction                  Each day is the same suffering
Not being able to grip the sun                        Not being able to lift my face
Don't know how to fight anymore                  Don't know how to continue with life

Each and every day there is a fight, a struggle for me to survive
Not a day that passes where I'm pleading with the Lord, never going through the day without a tear
Don't this all seem to be painful, doesn't it make you for feel pity on this soul...

I'm just wondering when its all going to END...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Questions of Words of Longevity

Can I once again go in too deep to where I've went before?

Could I ever experience those things that have shaken me down to my core?

Can I ever regain and withhold what comes and what goes?

Could I once again recapture what inspired me before at the most?

Are my words loosing their essence?

Have they faded away into evanescence?

Are my words no longer creating a release for what I feel inside?

Have they ran away and lost their meaning to what they used to provide?

 

Can my words ever regain what I need them to release for me?

Could my words eventually become my own worst enemy?

Can I ever recover my shattered hopes of piecing back the meaning of what I write?

Could my words be lost forever and fade into a death of an empty light?

 

Has the passion for my spillage of speech in words depart from my desires to heal my wombs?

Are my words now a crutch unsupported by the fulfillment of relinquishing my language, heading into the poetry of doom?

Has the need of my verbiage to mean something be gone forever,..for good?

Are the uncertainties of the meaning for my purpose to expose my internally mirrored being, messages to others to be misunderstood?

  

Subtle Addiction

 

You’re like a drug to me. I need a hit of you each day

From good morning to goodnight, you keep me full

My hunger is satisfied when we inject into each other…Its you that make me feel this way

You are like an electric current and I am the wire that needs your running shock

There is a force nature here which nothing would be able to stop

Your drug and outlets influence me to have much to say

I am your burst of lighting, your need for your rays

You are like a racing car with adrenaline for speed and I am your green light

Here as you friend to help fulfill your every need, I am with you ready to take flight

This could be getting kind of old; you get the picture, so let’s get in with the new

Top Secret: the way I feel about you... Oh how you so don’t have a clue

Anyway, yeah this is going out of style and its going to go out of date

For anything more, be worry free, don’t hold your breath, you won’t have to wait…

The Bottle

My baby, my love. I am so sorry that happened to you
I want to be there for you. I want to protect you
I wish I was there at that time to protect you
I wish I could had shielded you from what happened
I will never let anything like that happen to you again
Let go of everything and just trust me
Let go of everything and let me take care of you
I know your problems won't go away easy, but I will help you
I will help you every step of the way
You can feel free to share all with me
You can feel free to open up to me
I will never let anything harm you
I will never let anyone hurt you again
Trust in me and I will always be there for you
Put down that bottle and feel the love and support you have surrounding you
Put down that bottle and find peace
I'm sorry what she did drove you to try to self-destruct
I'm sorry what she did to you caused you to hate yourself and life
What he did to you was horrid..
But Stop trying to drink to forget
What he did to you was horrific...
But stop trying to drink it out of your memory
Take my hand and Ill help you
Take my word and I'll support you
Don't trust the bottle
Trust those who believe in you
Don't trust the bottle
Trust those who love you
Pick yourself up and Ill hold you in place
Pick yourself up and you'll have a group of people helping you on your feet
Please, put The Bottle Down!

Cake

The woman that's on the outside, she was promised what would fulfill her heart
As she looks into their lives, she feels exploited and victimized
At times, she gets to experience a little bit of that happiness, but then is quickly disregarded
What's not enough for her, for once each time, she understands the rush to leave, but then, where does that leave her
She's left in near tears. She's left with her heart feeling used. She's left feeling secondhanded
The woman wonders how would it be if things were different... if there were only one of them
Would she then become the one on the inside, or would she continue to be a grocery store
A shopping center is more likely what she'll remain
She doesn't want to shut-down shop, and that's at the expense of her own happiness in heart
Not wanting to disappoint the customer, she'll remain running and availably open
With looking forward to seeing some new merchandise come in, she's hopeful that will spark some refreshness
She knows that service is excellent now, but perhaps how she feels about things now, the new additions she hopes will change how she feels about the current arrangements
But she must not forget her location... She's rented!
Perhaps maybe on borrowed land for the rest of her life?..
Its a mystery what will happen when her own business partner arrives.. Will she continue to please the customer? (she'll say yes, but she doesn't want to swindle)
Let her stop thinking about the "what ifs", and get back to the "what is"
And what is, is the fact that, again, she's in a situation where she is only needed and wanted for one thing. Hey, the customer just wants some cake!
She has no ring. She has no commitment. She has no one that loves her. She has nothing!!
Oh, but what she will always have is delicious cake!
And she's put-upon because of it
The customer is good, in every way, inside and out, during purchasing or not... All around good...Great she may add
But she still cannot help but to think,... to feel, "thank you, I got what I wanted. Now Bye!"
That destroys her more than you will ever know!
With two of them, she understands it will be hard to keep a friendship. But all she wants to know for now, is that are there any attempts or efforts to do what's necessary to have a friendship??...
So, the woman on the outside, she continues to look at those who are on the other end
She continues to see the situation that, at times, boils under her skin
Why? Because is it really fair to have cake and eat it too?
While paying the price, at the expense of what she wants, she sees the one she services give what all her heart has ever longed for, to someone else!
That's why she's just a grocery store and not gourmet, and that is where she will always be, and the standard of who she will always remain to be...The lesser
Where is the love for her? Where is the need for her besides to pick up and then leave? Where is the want for her besides the brief free shopping spree?
When will she get the one instead of the customer?
Until then, she continues to look in at the inside, watching the customer live with giving to someone else what she, herself has yearned for for most of her life
She will continue to 'supply' what's asked and in demand while hurting on her own inside
Because it's not fair for her to feel that way,...to hurt.
But she would rather give service with a hurting heart and with a sense of being 'requested for', than to have the customer be without what that person craves and is excited to get every time
And she would say to the customer, don't worry about the being of her or feel bad because of her pain, because it is all her fault, and nothing to do with the customer
She would say continue to shop because the cake will always be there...

To Belong

We all have that friend who depends on you. We all have that friend that when everyone else fails that someone can come to you. We all have that friend that cares and loves you. We all have that friend that makes friendships purposeful to you. Where is that friend for me? When will I have that friend for me? Yes those of mine care and love me, but I feel as if I'm not really needed. Sometimes even at my worse moments, to those who claim to be with me, to them my cries go unheeded. I just want to belong. And this has been the issue all along. I'm no ones best friend. I'm thinking maybe some friendships I should suspend. This may seem elementary. But I'm not even good enough to be supplementary. Sometimes we do just have that one friend we can go to for every thing. And that one friend is there for you no matter what your problems may bring. Do I have such a friend? Well, yes I do have such a friend. I can run and tell her whatever is going on in my life. However, because of my issues I have a little strife. Not always what you tell someone requires feedback. However, I have an unhealthy need to have to always get something back. I always need something in return, I must get something back. If not, then I become upset and hurt, there is a lot my heart lacks. If I don't contact any of my friends, it's more than likely, I won't hear from them. Those people I don't mean to condemn. But there are reasons why my friendships makes me feel so grim. I'm not that person where my friends can come to me about any and every thing. I think it's because there is something wrong with me. Do you know how hurtful it is to not be that one person someone don't come to? I mean, I'm basically my only friend, from my point of view. None of my friends come to me, I'm no ones best friend. So how can it be that I have a best friend? I think this is the first time in my life, since a long time, where I feel lonely. I am no ones one and only. Maybe my issues has made it hard to trust. If so, then the problem of these friendships are unjust. I was thinking  could I really sacrifice all my friendships for the one that really counts. Because God is the only one who can make me feel like I belong, without any doubts.

 

 

I know that pretty much all of this sounds childish and immature. But if you can understand what it means to get your childhood and innocence ripped away from you, this is part of it. Every single fucking thing in my life, every issue, traces back to my sexual abuse. You would think at my age, I would have learned something, or gotten better. No. I'm facing years of therapy ahead because I am  still damaged and still broken in every way. Being abused took my sense of security, and it has took hell a lot more than that as well. I always feel like an outcast, like I never belong. What seems to look like healthy friendships on the outside, to others, well it's not for me. I have a constant cry of why me and/or why not me. Lately I have been thinking that I would just let go of everyone, because I'm not that needed. If I were, I think I would at least hear from those everyday...If I were, perhaps they would bring their problems and issues to me to talk about and get advice. And don't lie and say you do! It hurts to have to think about this, but I keep thinking about my reward. God has to meet me at the other end. If I let everyone go, I will have to trust God that he'll be there. Even now I am trying my hardest to try to find him because he is the only one who can cure me of this. And the most hurtful and disappointing thing about all of this, is that I don't even have a mutual shared religion with any of my friends! Of course, so why would I be that one!? It is extremely disheartening not being able to go to friends and talk about God with them. Not being able to lift them up or have them keep me on track with God's promises. I'm Christian, with no Christian friends!? No wonder I can never find God! It hurts...it just all hurts. i have nothing left to say....

He Won't Let You Down

There has been multiple times in my life when I said out loud, "God, where are you!?" During those times, he never felt near to me. When I was going through Depression, deep into..sitting in my room with the door locked, lights off, blinds closed, in the dark, crying my eyes out, experiencing body pain that accompanied my emotional pain... I would plead to God. "Lord help me! Help ME! Get me out of this!" I was depressed for years, and then one day it just went away. I can say He was there for me then because I didn't die when I tried to kill myself, on more than one occasion. He stopped me from death.

Most recently, I'm not sure words could even explain. Being so far away from him (from my point of view), I was falling into a pit. Every thing in my life was just bad. I was falling from God, thus falling from his grace, protection, and favor, but I never fell out of His love for me. Little did I know, during this time of falling down, He was right there. My life had gotten so rotten that I said to myself, "God doesn't like me. Yes, he cares for me and about me, I know he loves me, but he must be mad at me the reason why I'm going through Hell on Earth right now." I convinced myself that I would just walk away from God because I was a huge disappointment. Not only that, but I was going to make the choice to leave God because, I didn't necessarily feel abandoned by God, but I felt, "why isn't he here? Why isn't he helping me?" I was reminded of all those times I would plead, beg, cry my eyes out, to God to help me, and I never heard a word. It didn't matter if I was reading the Bible every day., Praying every day, confessing every day, talking to him every day,..etc I just never heard a word from him. I was reminded that I would try, try, try, and try, and still nothing would happen. So many times I gave up trying because God wasn't there...But he really was.

At the point I decided that I will give up, there He is showing himself to me. Here on my blog I came across someone I was following and she had written about encouragement and had scriptures posted. I burst into tears. And just when I decided that I would no longer practice the Faith of Christianity, God sent a message to my sister to tell me, "You have the victory, trust and rely on me.. Come to me NOW!" Again, I burst into tears. God has been along with me right by my side, even when I didn't feel him near. Some ask, 'well, why would God do that to you?' God only allows hardships in our lives, for one: sometimes a lesson, or two: to bring us back to him. When we're doing the wrong thing, things not of Him, then yes, we are going to suffer some hardships because we are out of his will. He allows the hardships to get so bad, because he knows there is only ONE place and only ONE person that can help you, and that one thing is GOD. He allows that to happen because he's trying to get you to turn back to him, where you belong.

And even sometimes when you are going through bad things, God still blesses you. I recall having money in my back account that I have no clue where it came from. I checked, and no deposits were made, no refunds, no checks or payments owe to me. I went to bed one night with a certain figure in my back account, and woke up the next morning with an increase in that figure amount. The favor I have in situations, for example, yes I call it favor when Police let me go without issuing a ticket. Favor from God is such a blessing. Having things go your way, go so smoothly...Favor is awesome to have and it's all from God. I remember being in school, at the start of my last semester, taking three Psychology classes, I said I'm getting an 'A' in all three classes. I prayed about it and did my part. One professor found every single little thing wrong to not give me extra points, or a higher grade on an assignment, or anything she could do to put me down. But I kept my Faith with God and kept my will to pass..At the end, I got all As, even from that one professor who did not want to give me one. That was my goal and I reached it. He'll even use other people to bless you. He'll keep you safe. I can recall numerous times where I should have been in a accident, injured, or worse but God's protection surrounded me. Whether you are or aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing, God is always right there with you! God will help you with anything you ask, pray believe that you receive it, have faith, never give up, and you'll get it.

God has a purpose for me and he wants me to see what he has planned for my life. I want that too. I know God loves me, and I will never doubt him again. He knew the things I wanted, I was looking for those things from people. My life was miserable because of it. God is the only one who can truly give you your hearts' desires. He knew what I was looking for from those people, I could never find or receive from them. He has better plans for me.

He is with you every moment of every day. He won't leave you nor forsake you. He loves you and he cares about you. He has good thoughts about you and want to do great things for you in your life. When things are going rough, and getting tough, NEVER give up on God. For HE will NEVER give up on you!

Romans 5:8But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us

Romans 8:37-39   But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 9:10
 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

John 14:1
Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God

1 Corinthians 13:6-7
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

How X Feels

Sex makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel bad
Sex makes me cry, but it also makes me smile

It feeds my longing, but it also starves my soul
It feeds my feelings, but it also deprives my emotions

When I engage in it, my heart becomes extremely heavy
When I engage in it, my mind becomes exceedingly weak

After it's over my being feels unreal
After it's over I feel unbecomingly

I incure emptiness and brokenness more deepened every time I use my body
I incure voidance and uncompleteness more vividly every time I use my body

Already shattered, sex fractures me
Already fragmented, sex damages me

Why do what causes so much pain? It's a learned experience
Why continue to do what results in affliction? It's a childhood disease grown

My ways are to submit to a man, it is what I am lettered to do
My ways are to accede to what a man wants from me, it is what I have been tutored to do

Sex is my reminded continued confirmation that molestation existed
Sex is my reminded ongoing substantiation that molestation is wrong in its nature

It steals my happiness, it clones bliss
It steals my peace of mind, it clones calmness...

Sex makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel bad
Sex makes me cry, but it also makes me smile
^This is how sex makes me feel, this can't be normal
^This is how sex makes me feel, I am sexually abnormal

It feeds my longing, but it also starves my soul
It feeds my feelings, but it also deprives my emotions
^The normalcy of the constant being of these sensations lives within me every day
^The normalcy of the functions experienced together, the sex and pain, arrives in me every time

When I engage in it, my heart becomes extremely heavy
When I engage in it, my mind becomes exceedingly weak
^The emotionally anguished affects of being abused is always present with my current encounters
^The sentimented distress affects of being assaulted is always occurring with my present encounters

Already shattered, sex fractures me
Already fragmented, sex damages me
^My past experience stole every thing away from me, my innocence was taken
^My past hurt and pain steals every bit of satisfaction from my current meetings, I think I'm trying to find my innocence....

Mi Papi

Words cannot describe this man
My speech is stunted in trying to describe the way he pleases me
His body is beautifully colored, in a heavenly light
The audio of his voice arouses my sexuality
Having a touch that tingles all the way down to my core
Bones chilling from him partaking in awakening my passion for him
Every time we come together there's a fire that burns between us
When our bodies touch the feeling is so staggering
I call him my Mexican (secret) lover
Thirty-eight years, so he knows how to take care of me and treat me like a woman
Being twenty-five so I know he can teach me more and more
Desires from him imagining bringing me into a lifestyle that has me shared, but he would never leave my side
I'm willing to go beyond for him...
Because each time, the passion, the heat, we give off to each other is unstoppable
Mi Dios! The way he hungers after me and feeds himself to satisfaction!
My god, taking him so perfectly, fitting utterly undeniably!
Not able to get enough of each other, the passion, the heat, mi papi gives it to me all!
My insides makes him relinquish so well onto me
Not able to have the cravings go away, me being his adorable chula, I supply to him what he craves for in all!
He's my caliente Mexican sexo!
And I'm his lindo negro mama!
Hope in his voice when demanding me to always give him what feels so good to him
Promise of yes, to e'er supply the demands of mi papi, my mexican fan

INTERLUDE

When he entered into my life, he turned it around
My life felt lifted from the ground
When he came into my life, he made me happy
My life became as light as it could be
He genuinely liked me and wanted me as a friend
But even the most passionate acquaintances may come to an end
I don't want us to get caught, I don't want us to get found out
However, I wont stop if he can keep us safe, if this all stays hush knowing for sure, without a doubt
Unsure where this is going, but sure enough to a road of where I will not be happy
He's not mine, but someone elses, he has his cake and eating too, leaves me to be a downsome me
Eager to pick up where we left off, where we couldn't get enough of each other,
Anxious, to resume our hot sessions, one right after another
We started so quickly, moving too fast
It had to come to abrupt halt, but the passion still lasts...

Love Hurt the Alphabet

All I desire is to be loved and cared for
Bound by compassion and tenderness, I need for a partner
Countless attempts at love, but none turns out
Drowning in my longing for a relationship, tires my heart out
Every exceptional quality I possess is unknown to a one that should hold them
Fiercely filled with care, its intense, but no one is interested to match it
Giving all that I can offer and give is my specialty
However, its always all given to the ones whom wish not to receive it
I'm going to give up and try not to care anymore
Just because every effort goes unnoticed
Keeping what drives me to give so unconditionally, will I never let go
Leaving what hurts me, I wish I could be able to let that go
Many times do I feel heartbroken
Never ending pain continues to take the wheel
Over and over, why haven't I learned how to hold back
Probably because I know I cannot afford to
Quite complicated I am so no one really have me matter inside of their own concerns
Rest assured this emotional mayhem must come to a halt
Stop giving when nothing is wanted
Time to revamp and change what causes me to hurt
U-turn my compassion for caring into feelings for not caring
Very important I must change to heal my own heart
What's been given, I now must try to give no more
X-ray my heart and you'll find it full of love to the core, no doubt
Yet, that love must remain hidden, and the care must cease
Zealous of my concern for others now must be burned!...

For the Alphabet was hurt by love

Home

Engraved into what always seems to be my living hell
Engrossed into what they have made my dungeon
Occupied by the blindness of passion
Obscure by the site of daunting love
What can be said to obtain reciprocity
Wonderings of when reciprocality will engage me
There is a lack in returns of solemnly actions and speech
Thither away from the one who needs it most
No stake in her from any form of live
None of her outward-bound compassions full circle around her
Hurt from the wounds of nothings
Haunted by what was always the lingering ghosts from my past
Pain is the picture painted on her heart
Paused to ever give anything anymore, but its not lived up too
Tears come. 
Tears are present.
Crying stays. 
Crying continuously moves in.
Brokenness is my tomb.
Brokenness will be her grave.
Drowning in emotions that loves and are bad
Dark thoughts because of the absences
Men are not past-timed with any part of my brain or heart
Men take sake of the lips that rests whats in between thighs
So,.. truancy of involvements is the flow she receives from wished uponed others
Stuffed and suffocated high caliber attentiveness is hostaged
Alone is her Home
Awol is my Home...

It Was to HIM...

I think the world of you and I think the best of you
I respect you and I look up to you
Don't know why I'm so fond of you
Don't know why I sometimes have a fear of you
You make me feel good and you also make me feel bad
You cause me to overload with joy and you cause me to drown in hurt
Can't explain the confusion I bask in
Can't reach your enclosed thoughts
I think so highly of you. I have reverence for you.
I hope and wish the best for you. I pray for you.
Words can't explain what goes on in my heart and in my mind
(My) Words can't penetrate into your atmosphere
My actions didn't support me enough
My actions can't sustain your attention
You are a highlight of my life, yet at the same time, you are a lingering dark shadow
You have patience like a rock. You have a calmness as a breeze
I verbalize my sentiments. I utter my position.
I don't know if I matter. I don't know if I weigh in your existence.
The doorway to your heart is sealed shut for me. The doorway to your mind is stamped closed for me

The access to your intentions are clouded. The entry to your purpose is blurred
The strength and the metier you possess when you satisfy me is ineffable
The potency of your libido induces me to climax in numerable ways
Countless various ways expressing my innermost thoughts and feelings, yet, no recognition
Countless requests for my favors mostly fulfilled, yet, mostly not even a little feedback

Think of me as a whore is claimed to be not so.; but a wholesome woman is unannounced

Think of me as a person with potential to capture your substance or a person of no value to you, the latter seems evident in my world

Never would I have thought you would influence me to scribble down written word in such a beautiful manner

Never would I have thought you would give me a purpose to express myself this way to you, even with my fears

The muscular organ that pumps blood to function is lightless, it's heavy because of this

The muscular organ that God looks at and knows is screaming for you, but He is strengthening it because of this.
I appreciate your stance, you never blew me away

I appreciate your patience, how long can you continue to tell me to "relax"

You know my thoughts, feelings and desire, my words and actions are one in the same

You don't want me to know your thoughts, feelings and desire, your words and actions are two different things

I'm close to learning not to expect. I'm close to learning what I've known all along

I'm not in denial, never have been. I'm not stupid, I'm just consistent

Forgive me, it takes a while for me to drop hope. Forgive me, I'm persistent in sharing all of what I have even when it goes behind your display

Thank you for presence in my life. Thank you for having me in yours.

 

(12/12/12)